A new year. Wow. I must admit that I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, this year was horrible and I am ready to move on from it. On the other hand, it was the last year with my daughter and it is hard for me to separate from it.
January marks seven months without my Faith. I miss her everyday. I miss her crooked smile, her laugh, her voice, her smell....it hasn't gotten any easier. However, I will say that the anger and guilt are starting to lesson and the dark cloud that has been over my head is starting to rise. I am starting to want to put myself out there: volunteer at the hospital, volunteer at the kid's school, help other grieving families, adopt again, possibly go back to school myself. I have to believe there was a purpose for all of this and it is leading me somewhere. With the black cloud that has been following me around, I have been incapable of any sense of direction. With it lifting, perhaps I will see the path I am to follow. That is my hope for 2010.
We are starting our new year off right by heading to Hawaii! We will be leaving on what would have been Faith's sixth birthday, January 17th. We will release our yellow balloons to her on one of Maui's beautiful beaches. It will be special, just like her.
Hawaii will be the start of a year of continued healing and renewed hope in life. It will be a year of strengthening my relationship with myself, my husband, my extended family and the children that are here.
I know Faith wants us to be happy. I know she would want us to be strong and work on loving each other. Just like in my previous post, we need to live in honor of her name:
F = Family. Always put family first.
A = Acceptance. Accept what you have been given in life. Just like the Serenity prayer;
Accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can and wisdom to know the difference. I have to accept that Faith and my mom are not here. I can't change that or other things in life that are beyond my control. However, I can change my reaction to them. I do have control over that.
Also, accept people for who they are. You cannot change people. Again, all you can do is have control over your reactions to them.
So, Accept that we are all flawed. Everyone has shortcomings and allow for some mistakes. Once you accept people "as is", it makes things so much easier. No expectations.
I = Integrity. Live your life with integrity. Stand up for what you believe in, even if difficult. Be responsible for your own actions and for your own character. Make your own choices. Do what you believe is right for you and your loved ones.
T = Trust. You HAVE to trust yourself and the ones you love. Live your life in a way that allows others to trust you completely. Trust is a key component to any relationship.
H = Happiness. Faith had happiness through all adversity. She was a true example of how to live life and love life! With her example, we need to make ourselves happy and do our best to make other's happy. Being happy is the best way to honor Faith.
Faith was the best thing to ever happen to me. I want to finish my time here living my life in this way, in honor of her name and what she represented. I will try my best to make her proud. I will try until my time on Earth is over and I get to see my baby again!
Shelly
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The Holidays
Note to self: Do NOT go to a Candle Lighting Ceremony again! Since the ceremony, it has felt like we are right back to day after Faith left us.
Why are the Holidays so challenging people have asked? Why isn't it like any other day?
Well....here is the way I see it so far:
Of course, everyday is extremely challenging. Grief is all consuming, especially when it comes to grieving for your child. Not a day, not an hour goes by without that child coming into your thoughts. I have learned that this pain is never going to go away. I accept that. Now, it is trying to figure out a way for me to learn to live with this pain. I need to learn how to have the pain inside and still live each day to my fullest capabilities. I will never be the same person or have the life I used to have. That chapter is closed and I have to rewrite my story. It is up to me to start filling those pages. That is difficult to do when the pain is so intense. It is exhausting to put on this "front" of happiness. But that is exactly what the Holidays force you to do and why it is harder than any other day.
Holidays are supposed to be about giving, family and love. But the bottom line is that they are stressful. You have to shop, decorate, cook, etc. Your children expect certain things at this time of year and you have to make sure you do your best to provide that for them. So, during the Holidays you have to combine that stress with your grief. It is exhausting. But, you can't spend the day in bed because you have things to accomplish. You have to continue so you can make things nice for your family. Basically, you have to set your feelings aside and keep going.
I had a panic attack while Christmas shopping. I was unprepared for the overwhelming sense of sadness at seeing so many things that would remind me of Faith. I am putting all these things in my shopping cart to buy for my other children and I want so badly to put something in the cart for Faith. That is the difference between a Holiday and a "normal" day. On a normal day, I could just walk away from all of it. On a Holiday, I HAVE to face it.
During the Holidays you get beautiful cards from others. Normally, you are so happy to receive them. But, while you are grieving it is hard to look at these perfect looking families, where everyone is present, and not think of the Christmas card you did not send out because you would have someone missing in your picture. You can't send out those cheery letters, where your life sounds so perfect, because what could you possibly say?
So, those are some of the things that do make this time of year harder than a regular day. The Candle Lighting Ceremony was a set-back. I will not do it again. It re-opened all the wounds and brought our family back to those final moments. I was just starting to get those out of my mind and return to the happy memories. Watching my husband and children cry like they did when we were at the hospital was absolutely horrifying and I felt awful for putting them through that. I didn't know.
We honor Faith everyday in our house. We light a candle for her and our other loved ones that have passed, nightly. Christmas will be no exception. We will think of Faith, celebrate her and celebrate that we still have each other.
The new year is approaching. With the new year comes the fact that we still will continue to learn to live with this pain. We have a long way to go. However, with the New Year we will work on how to fill the new Chapter in our lives. We will work on filling those pages in Honor of Faith and what she stood for:
F = Family
A = Acceptance
I = Integrity
T= Trust
H= Happiness.
Why are the Holidays so challenging people have asked? Why isn't it like any other day?
Well....here is the way I see it so far:
Of course, everyday is extremely challenging. Grief is all consuming, especially when it comes to grieving for your child. Not a day, not an hour goes by without that child coming into your thoughts. I have learned that this pain is never going to go away. I accept that. Now, it is trying to figure out a way for me to learn to live with this pain. I need to learn how to have the pain inside and still live each day to my fullest capabilities. I will never be the same person or have the life I used to have. That chapter is closed and I have to rewrite my story. It is up to me to start filling those pages. That is difficult to do when the pain is so intense. It is exhausting to put on this "front" of happiness. But that is exactly what the Holidays force you to do and why it is harder than any other day.
Holidays are supposed to be about giving, family and love. But the bottom line is that they are stressful. You have to shop, decorate, cook, etc. Your children expect certain things at this time of year and you have to make sure you do your best to provide that for them. So, during the Holidays you have to combine that stress with your grief. It is exhausting. But, you can't spend the day in bed because you have things to accomplish. You have to continue so you can make things nice for your family. Basically, you have to set your feelings aside and keep going.
I had a panic attack while Christmas shopping. I was unprepared for the overwhelming sense of sadness at seeing so many things that would remind me of Faith. I am putting all these things in my shopping cart to buy for my other children and I want so badly to put something in the cart for Faith. That is the difference between a Holiday and a "normal" day. On a normal day, I could just walk away from all of it. On a Holiday, I HAVE to face it.
During the Holidays you get beautiful cards from others. Normally, you are so happy to receive them. But, while you are grieving it is hard to look at these perfect looking families, where everyone is present, and not think of the Christmas card you did not send out because you would have someone missing in your picture. You can't send out those cheery letters, where your life sounds so perfect, because what could you possibly say?
So, those are some of the things that do make this time of year harder than a regular day. The Candle Lighting Ceremony was a set-back. I will not do it again. It re-opened all the wounds and brought our family back to those final moments. I was just starting to get those out of my mind and return to the happy memories. Watching my husband and children cry like they did when we were at the hospital was absolutely horrifying and I felt awful for putting them through that. I didn't know.
We honor Faith everyday in our house. We light a candle for her and our other loved ones that have passed, nightly. Christmas will be no exception. We will think of Faith, celebrate her and celebrate that we still have each other.
The new year is approaching. With the new year comes the fact that we still will continue to learn to live with this pain. We have a long way to go. However, with the New Year we will work on how to fill the new Chapter in our lives. We will work on filling those pages in Honor of Faith and what she stood for:
F = Family
A = Acceptance
I = Integrity
T= Trust
H= Happiness.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Christmas 2009
Our first Christmas without Faith. Needless to say, it is hard not to be emotional. Everyday is challenging, however a Holiday is intended to recognize love and family. Because of that, it is a reminder that an extremely important member of our family is missing. It is hard to get into the spirit of Christmas. I have 7 boxes of Christmas decorations and I probably put out an equivelent of 1 box. But, my decorations are lovely because they are ones that are in memory of my mom and Faith. My mom loved poinsettia's so I have lots of those around and any decoration with the word Faith is scattered throughout the room. I also bought a tree that is Faith's height and primarily decorated it in gold. I found a beautiful yellow butterfly ornament that definitely makes it a "Faith tree". An angel that lights up in multiple colors sits at the top. So, I was able to find a way to recognize Christmas and incorporate the ones not here in physical form in a way that can actually make me smile.
We went to a Candle Lighting Ceremony through Compassionate Friends that will now be included as one of our Christmas traditions. It was a ceremony that was equally as beautiful as it was sad and it was nice to be with others that truly understand. It was such a special way to honor Faith and the rest of the child angels. I am hoping by formally honoring my Faith, it will give me some solace and because of that allow me to concentrate on making the rest of the season special for my other children.
At this Candle Lighting ceremony (that is done worldwide) to remember the children that left us to0 soon a man named Alan Pedersen sang this amazing song. Alan is a bereaved parent, also, who lost his daughter. Here are the lyrics to this special song:
Tonight I hold this candle
In memory of you
Hoping someway, somehow
My love will shine through
I close my eyes
Lost in the glow
There are so many things
I want you to know
This candle says I love you
This candle says I miss you
This candle is saying
I remember you
When I'm holding it toward heaven
It feels like you are near
If you're looking down tonight
And see this candle burning bright
It says I'm wishing you were here
In the glow of this candle
I can almost see you smile
And it carries me away
For a little while
To another time
Another place
When all it took to light up my world
Was your beautiful face
This candle says I love you
This candle says I miss you
This candle is saying
I remember you
When I'm holding it toward heaven
It feels like you are near
If you're looking down tonight
And see this candle burning bright
It says I'm wishing you were here
Someday, some way
I'll see you again
I'll hold you
In my heart
Until then....
I bought all of Alan's CD's and this is my personal favorite:
We got to know the magic of their smiles, if only for awhile.
Wasn't it beautiful?
They taught us how to love so deep, feel so complete.
Wasn't it wonderful?
Even if we knew that it would end,
If we had the chance we'd do it all again.
Lets Celebrate the Children. Celebrate our kids.
Celebrate the Children and remember that they lived.
(Chorus)
They are our Strength.
They are our Heroes.
They're our Angels now.
Let sorrow wait, lets celebrate.
They left so many gifts behind for each of us to find.
It's magical.
They're with us everyday, give help along the way.
It's Spiritual.
They're part of everything we say and do.
We're better people now because of them, it's true.
Celebrate the Children and send them our love.
Celebrate the Children looking down from up above.
(Chorus)
So fly butterfly. So long sweet balloon.
Float up through the clouds, somewhere beyond the moon.
Let them know we'll see them soon.
Celebrate the Children. Celebrate our kids.
Celebrate teh Children and remember that they lived.
(Chorus)
Celebrate the Children. Send them all our love.
Celebrate the Children they're looking down from up above.
(Chorus)
Oh Celebrate, Celebrate.
We got to know the magic of their smiles, if only for awhile.
Wasn't it Beautiful?
Enjoy the Holidays. Give lots of love to your family and give thanks for all that you have.
Shelly
We went to a Candle Lighting Ceremony through Compassionate Friends that will now be included as one of our Christmas traditions. It was a ceremony that was equally as beautiful as it was sad and it was nice to be with others that truly understand. It was such a special way to honor Faith and the rest of the child angels. I am hoping by formally honoring my Faith, it will give me some solace and because of that allow me to concentrate on making the rest of the season special for my other children.
At this Candle Lighting ceremony (that is done worldwide) to remember the children that left us to0 soon a man named Alan Pedersen sang this amazing song. Alan is a bereaved parent, also, who lost his daughter. Here are the lyrics to this special song:
Tonight I hold this candle
In memory of you
Hoping someway, somehow
My love will shine through
I close my eyes
Lost in the glow
There are so many things
I want you to know
This candle says I love you
This candle says I miss you
This candle is saying
I remember you
When I'm holding it toward heaven
It feels like you are near
If you're looking down tonight
And see this candle burning bright
It says I'm wishing you were here
In the glow of this candle
I can almost see you smile
And it carries me away
For a little while
To another time
Another place
When all it took to light up my world
Was your beautiful face
This candle says I love you
This candle says I miss you
This candle is saying
I remember you
When I'm holding it toward heaven
It feels like you are near
If you're looking down tonight
And see this candle burning bright
It says I'm wishing you were here
Someday, some way
I'll see you again
I'll hold you
In my heart
Until then....
I bought all of Alan's CD's and this is my personal favorite:
We got to know the magic of their smiles, if only for awhile.
Wasn't it beautiful?
They taught us how to love so deep, feel so complete.
Wasn't it wonderful?
Even if we knew that it would end,
If we had the chance we'd do it all again.
Lets Celebrate the Children. Celebrate our kids.
Celebrate the Children and remember that they lived.
(Chorus)
They are our Strength.
They are our Heroes.
They're our Angels now.
Let sorrow wait, lets celebrate.
They left so many gifts behind for each of us to find.
It's magical.
They're with us everyday, give help along the way.
It's Spiritual.
They're part of everything we say and do.
We're better people now because of them, it's true.
Celebrate the Children and send them our love.
Celebrate the Children looking down from up above.
(Chorus)
So fly butterfly. So long sweet balloon.
Float up through the clouds, somewhere beyond the moon.
Let them know we'll see them soon.
Celebrate the Children. Celebrate our kids.
Celebrate teh Children and remember that they lived.
(Chorus)
Celebrate the Children. Send them all our love.
Celebrate the Children they're looking down from up above.
(Chorus)
Oh Celebrate, Celebrate.
We got to know the magic of their smiles, if only for awhile.
Wasn't it Beautiful?
Enjoy the Holidays. Give lots of love to your family and give thanks for all that you have.
Shelly
Monday, September 21, 2009
No Greater Pain
No Greater Pain
I know you mean well
But you don't understand
There are no words to explain
Although on the surface, I may appear fine,
Remember I buried a child of mine
And there is no greater pain.
Grief is a taboo in our civilized world,
I despise this hideous game,
I must smile while going insane.
For Gods' sake, a part of me died,
You can't imagine how often I've cried,
And there is no greater pain.
If I look well,
Or laugh when you joke,
You think I'm my old self again.
I'm raw inside, a shell of me,
The woman you knew can no longer be,
And there is no greater pain.
Look deep into my eyes,
Acknowledge my loss,
As my heart beats its hollow refrain.
I'm caught in a web of infinite whys
I'll morn for my son 'till the rest of me dies,
And there is no greater pain.
Madelaine Perri Kasden
Written in loving memory of her son,
Neill Perri 10/2/71-6/15/95
I know you mean well
But you don't understand
There are no words to explain
Although on the surface, I may appear fine,
Remember I buried a child of mine
And there is no greater pain.
Grief is a taboo in our civilized world,
I despise this hideous game,
I must smile while going insane.
For Gods' sake, a part of me died,
You can't imagine how often I've cried,
And there is no greater pain.
If I look well,
Or laugh when you joke,
You think I'm my old self again.
I'm raw inside, a shell of me,
The woman you knew can no longer be,
And there is no greater pain.
Look deep into my eyes,
Acknowledge my loss,
As my heart beats its hollow refrain.
I'm caught in a web of infinite whys
I'll morn for my son 'till the rest of me dies,
And there is no greater pain.
Madelaine Perri Kasden
Written in loving memory of her son,
Neill Perri 10/2/71-6/15/95
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Goodbye
Thank you to everyone that has offered support before, during and after the passing of my beautiful daughter, Faith. She was an inspiration to many and a source of light for our family that is beyond compare.
I needed this blog during the many stages of emotions I went through over the past 6 months. It was a valuable tool for me and a very helpful way to unload the emotions I was feeling during this horrific time. However, I now realize I should keep my feelings private and am developing another way to share them that will continue to be beneficial for myself and my children in the years to come.
Our family is moving on in the best way we can. Each day brings new emotions and sometimes...you just can't fight them. "It is what it is". Grief is horrible and can bring you to your knees; sometimes when you least expect it.
But, our family is strong and we will continue to move forward. Some days we cry, some days we smile, some days we even laugh.....most days we do all 3! We do so with Faith's love in our mind and in our heart. We do so in honor of our precious angel looking down on us and wanting us to find peace and happiness once again.
Thank you to all who followed Faith's story. Our family really appreciates the outpouring of support we received and we will never forget it. We hope Faith made an impact on your life as she did so greatly in ours.
With love.......The Duarte's
I needed this blog during the many stages of emotions I went through over the past 6 months. It was a valuable tool for me and a very helpful way to unload the emotions I was feeling during this horrific time. However, I now realize I should keep my feelings private and am developing another way to share them that will continue to be beneficial for myself and my children in the years to come.
Our family is moving on in the best way we can. Each day brings new emotions and sometimes...you just can't fight them. "It is what it is". Grief is horrible and can bring you to your knees; sometimes when you least expect it.
But, our family is strong and we will continue to move forward. Some days we cry, some days we smile, some days we even laugh.....most days we do all 3! We do so with Faith's love in our mind and in our heart. We do so in honor of our precious angel looking down on us and wanting us to find peace and happiness once again.
Thank you to all who followed Faith's story. Our family really appreciates the outpouring of support we received and we will never forget it. We hope Faith made an impact on your life as she did so greatly in ours.
With love.......The Duarte's
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Septmeber 1, 2009
I would like to clear something up: dwelling on past events and grieving are two separate things. Yes, you should not dwell on past events in your life that do not allow you to productively move forward. However, losing a loved one and wanting them to be remembered is not dwelling on a past event. I believe any grief counselor would back me up on the fact that it is good to talk about our loved ones that have passed on. It is good to laugh, cry, be angry....You need to allow yourself those feelings in order to heal. Stuffing them away (not dwelling on them) would be the most harmful thing you could do. It is natural to have a gromet of emotions and healthy to share them.
For me to share my feelings, even ones of feeling alone, is only expression. Anyone that knows me well, would say that I am not one for self-pity. In no way am I asking for that with this blog. There are many stages of grief...all that one needs to go through during their journey of losing a loved one. To me, this blog is an amazing way to express myself and the feelings I have experienced along the way. Right or wrong, they are my feelings. Right or wrong, I feel it is valuable to share them as a tool to for others to learn what those of us that have lost a child go through.
I want to say how nice it was to receive that beautiful post from Pam. And, what strange timing it was!!! In my last post, I stated how I did not think I wanted to continue with foster care because of the extra attention my children were receiving without doing it. Strangely, since that post, my kids have been asking me when we are going to get a new child. I am shocked! However, they have grown up with this lifestyle so they don't know any other way. I mentioned working with a four year old girl the other day and Dominic and Jessica got very excited thinking the four year old was coming to live with us! I talked to them and they really want a young child back in the house again. Hmmmmmmm..................................
We had a really nice weekend. Hot, but nice. All four of our football teams won their games!!! My cheerleaders did really well for their first game and I am so proud of them. Monty and I got to enjoy adult time Saturday night, as well. We went to a tailgate party with friends where we had a few drinks and enjoyed some dancing. We have not done anything like that in awhile and it was fun.
Jessica got to have her birthday party with friends at SkyHigh on Sunday, which is a fantastic place for kids to go. We had never been before, but I will say it was worth the money! The kids had a blast and got a lot of energy out so we could enjoy a quiet, leisurely Sunday evening.
Till next time.............
Shelly
For me to share my feelings, even ones of feeling alone, is only expression. Anyone that knows me well, would say that I am not one for self-pity. In no way am I asking for that with this blog. There are many stages of grief...all that one needs to go through during their journey of losing a loved one. To me, this blog is an amazing way to express myself and the feelings I have experienced along the way. Right or wrong, they are my feelings. Right or wrong, I feel it is valuable to share them as a tool to for others to learn what those of us that have lost a child go through.
I want to say how nice it was to receive that beautiful post from Pam. And, what strange timing it was!!! In my last post, I stated how I did not think I wanted to continue with foster care because of the extra attention my children were receiving without doing it. Strangely, since that post, my kids have been asking me when we are going to get a new child. I am shocked! However, they have grown up with this lifestyle so they don't know any other way. I mentioned working with a four year old girl the other day and Dominic and Jessica got very excited thinking the four year old was coming to live with us! I talked to them and they really want a young child back in the house again. Hmmmmmmm..................................
We had a really nice weekend. Hot, but nice. All four of our football teams won their games!!! My cheerleaders did really well for their first game and I am so proud of them. Monty and I got to enjoy adult time Saturday night, as well. We went to a tailgate party with friends where we had a few drinks and enjoyed some dancing. We have not done anything like that in awhile and it was fun.
Jessica got to have her birthday party with friends at SkyHigh on Sunday, which is a fantastic place for kids to go. We had never been before, but I will say it was worth the money! The kids had a blast and got a lot of energy out so we could enjoy a quiet, leisurely Sunday evening.
Till next time.............
Shelly
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
August 26.2009
It has been a challenging week and a half. Faith would have started Kindergarten this year. The first day of school was one of the hardest, saddest days that I have had to date. Faith couldn't wait to go to the same school as her brothers and sisters and it killed me that she didn't get to do that. She would have lit up that school and it breaks my heart everyday to see all those kids and know that they are missing out on getting to know such an amazing person.
That is another challenge....people forgetting. That is the hardest part of this whole process. A friend of mine told me that the support goes away extremely quickly and that people forget equally as quickly. I didn't believe it, but now I 100% understand and it hurts. Hurts more than words can even express. I did not feel this way with my mom. I suppose it is because she was an adult and I know that the people that knew and loved her will remember. However, with Faith, she was so young and only a select number of people had contact with her. So it is easy for her to be forgotten. As a mother, that is the hardest thing to accept. My beautiful, courageous baby doesn't deserve that.
When she was alive, there were multiple support avenues. The heart support group was phenominal, especially during hospital stays, but now they are basically null and void. Maybe it is due to the fear of the same thing happening to them. Family members and friends (not all, of course) that called daily, now call few and far between and some not at all; This blog used to get up to 25 posts in a day and now, it is lucky to receive one. It is all so strange. Strange, lonely and sad. I am going to go to a support group once football and cheer free up my time. The only unfortunate thing is that is that the closest one is pretty far into Sacramento. But, I will try it out since they only meet once a month and I am sure it will feel good to share with others that understand.
I guess I feel free, however, to express these things on the blog because of that. I told my kids that this blog will be a great thing for them to look back on one day. When they are 50 years old they can go to this site and see how their mom was feeling....remember Faith...see what things they did....what vacations we took...etc. After I pass away, it will be even more valuable to them. I wish I had a chronicle of my mom's life or a letter that she wrote to me...anything. The world of technology sure has made a lot of great things available.
Since the kids are back in school, it is very strange to be at home by myself. I'm not sure I care for it and am considering going back to work. I am fairly confident that I do not want to do foster care anymore. There are a few reasons for this.... 1) I don't want to have anymore losses, 2) working with biological parents is difficult and 3) because, honestly, the other kids are blossoming with the extra attention. My kids have openly and lovingly shared their mom and dad with multiple children for the past 8 years, many of them (primarily Faith) very time consuming. It is their time now! They have suffered enough loss, as well. They deserve extra attention and I don't want to weaken and take that away from them. Dominic is 12 now and Jessica just turned 11. I don't have much longer until they are adults and will move away from home and that is why I need to stay focused on them and continue to be strong and say NO when I receive those calls!
Other than that, life continues to move forward and I keep fighting to find my way.
Shelly
That is another challenge....people forgetting. That is the hardest part of this whole process. A friend of mine told me that the support goes away extremely quickly and that people forget equally as quickly. I didn't believe it, but now I 100% understand and it hurts. Hurts more than words can even express. I did not feel this way with my mom. I suppose it is because she was an adult and I know that the people that knew and loved her will remember. However, with Faith, she was so young and only a select number of people had contact with her. So it is easy for her to be forgotten. As a mother, that is the hardest thing to accept. My beautiful, courageous baby doesn't deserve that.
When she was alive, there were multiple support avenues. The heart support group was phenominal, especially during hospital stays, but now they are basically null and void. Maybe it is due to the fear of the same thing happening to them. Family members and friends (not all, of course) that called daily, now call few and far between and some not at all; This blog used to get up to 25 posts in a day and now, it is lucky to receive one. It is all so strange. Strange, lonely and sad. I am going to go to a support group once football and cheer free up my time. The only unfortunate thing is that is that the closest one is pretty far into Sacramento. But, I will try it out since they only meet once a month and I am sure it will feel good to share with others that understand.
I guess I feel free, however, to express these things on the blog because of that. I told my kids that this blog will be a great thing for them to look back on one day. When they are 50 years old they can go to this site and see how their mom was feeling....remember Faith...see what things they did....what vacations we took...etc. After I pass away, it will be even more valuable to them. I wish I had a chronicle of my mom's life or a letter that she wrote to me...anything. The world of technology sure has made a lot of great things available.
Since the kids are back in school, it is very strange to be at home by myself. I'm not sure I care for it and am considering going back to work. I am fairly confident that I do not want to do foster care anymore. There are a few reasons for this.... 1) I don't want to have anymore losses, 2) working with biological parents is difficult and 3) because, honestly, the other kids are blossoming with the extra attention. My kids have openly and lovingly shared their mom and dad with multiple children for the past 8 years, many of them (primarily Faith) very time consuming. It is their time now! They have suffered enough loss, as well. They deserve extra attention and I don't want to weaken and take that away from them. Dominic is 12 now and Jessica just turned 11. I don't have much longer until they are adults and will move away from home and that is why I need to stay focused on them and continue to be strong and say NO when I receive those calls!
Other than that, life continues to move forward and I keep fighting to find my way.
Shelly
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)