The Holidays

Note to self: Do NOT go to a Candle Lighting Ceremony again! Since the ceremony, it has felt like we are right back to day after Faith left us.

Why are the Holidays so challenging people have asked? Why isn't it like any other day?

Well....here is the way I see it so far:

Of course, everyday is extremely challenging. Grief is all consuming, especially when it comes to grieving for your child. Not a day, not an hour goes by without that child coming into your thoughts. I have learned that this pain is never going to go away. I accept that. Now, it is trying to figure out a way for me to learn to live with this pain. I need to learn how to have the pain inside and still live each day to my fullest capabilities. I will never be the same person or have the life I used to have. That chapter is closed and I have to rewrite my story. It is up to me to start filling those pages. That is difficult to do when the pain is so intense. It is exhausting to put on this "front" of happiness. But that is exactly what the Holidays force you to do and why it is harder than any other day.

Holidays are supposed to be about giving, family and love. But the bottom line is that they are stressful. You have to shop, decorate, cook, etc. Your children expect certain things at this time of year and you have to make sure you do your best to provide that for them. So, during the Holidays you have to combine that stress with your grief. It is exhausting. But, you can't spend the day in bed because you have things to accomplish. You have to continue so you can make things nice for your family. Basically, you have to set your feelings aside and keep going.

I had a panic attack while Christmas shopping. I was unprepared for the overwhelming sense of sadness at seeing so many things that would remind me of Faith. I am putting all these things in my shopping cart to buy for my other children and I want so badly to put something in the cart for Faith. That is the difference between a Holiday and a "normal" day. On a normal day, I could just walk away from all of it. On a Holiday, I HAVE to face it.

During the Holidays you get beautiful cards from others. Normally, you are so happy to receive them. But, while you are grieving it is hard to look at these perfect looking families, where everyone is present, and not think of the Christmas card you did not send out because you would have someone missing in your picture. You can't send out those cheery letters, where your life sounds so perfect, because what could you possibly say?

So, those are some of the things that do make this time of year harder than a regular day. The Candle Lighting Ceremony was a set-back. I will not do it again. It re-opened all the wounds and brought our family back to those final moments. I was just starting to get those out of my mind and return to the happy memories. Watching my husband and children cry like they did when we were at the hospital was absolutely horrifying and I felt awful for putting them through that. I didn't know.

We honor Faith everyday in our house. We light a candle for her and our other loved ones that have passed, nightly. Christmas will be no exception. We will think of Faith, celebrate her and celebrate that we still have each other.

The new year is approaching. With the new year comes the fact that we still will continue to learn to live with this pain. We have a long way to go. However, with the New Year we will work on how to fill the new Chapter in our lives. We will work on filling those pages in Honor of Faith and what she stood for:

F = Family
A = Acceptance
I = Integrity
T= Trust
H= Happiness.