It has been a challenging week and a half. Faith would have started Kindergarten this year. The first day of school was one of the hardest, saddest days that I have had to date. Faith couldn't wait to go to the same school as her brothers and sisters and it killed me that she didn't get to do that. She would have lit up that school and it breaks my heart everyday to see all those kids and know that they are missing out on getting to know such an amazing person.
That is another challenge....people forgetting. That is the hardest part of this whole process. A friend of mine told me that the support goes away extremely quickly and that people forget equally as quickly. I didn't believe it, but now I 100% understand and it hurts. Hurts more than words can even express. I did not feel this way with my mom. I suppose it is because she was an adult and I know that the people that knew and loved her will remember. However, with Faith, she was so young and only a select number of people had contact with her. So it is easy for her to be forgotten. As a mother, that is the hardest thing to accept. My beautiful, courageous baby doesn't deserve that.
When she was alive, there were multiple support avenues. The heart support group was phenominal, especially during hospital stays, but now they are basically null and void. Maybe it is due to the fear of the same thing happening to them. Family members and friends (not all, of course) that called daily, now call few and far between and some not at all; This blog used to get up to 25 posts in a day and now, it is lucky to receive one. It is all so strange. Strange, lonely and sad. I am going to go to a support group once football and cheer free up my time. The only unfortunate thing is that is that the closest one is pretty far into Sacramento. But, I will try it out since they only meet once a month and I am sure it will feel good to share with others that understand.
I guess I feel free, however, to express these things on the blog because of that. I told my kids that this blog will be a great thing for them to look back on one day. When they are 50 years old they can go to this site and see how their mom was feeling....remember Faith...see what things they did....what vacations we took...etc. After I pass away, it will be even more valuable to them. I wish I had a chronicle of my mom's life or a letter that she wrote to me...anything. The world of technology sure has made a lot of great things available.
Since the kids are back in school, it is very strange to be at home by myself. I'm not sure I care for it and am considering going back to work. I am fairly confident that I do not want to do foster care anymore. There are a few reasons for this.... 1) I don't want to have anymore losses, 2) working with biological parents is difficult and 3) because, honestly, the other kids are blossoming with the extra attention. My kids have openly and lovingly shared their mom and dad with multiple children for the past 8 years, many of them (primarily Faith) very time consuming. It is their time now! They have suffered enough loss, as well. They deserve extra attention and I don't want to weaken and take that away from them. Dominic is 12 now and Jessica just turned 11. I don't have much longer until they are adults and will move away from home and that is why I need to stay focused on them and continue to be strong and say NO when I receive those calls!
Other than that, life continues to move forward and I keep fighting to find my way.
Shelly
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
August 11, 2009
We went on another family trip this past weekend. This time was a bit easier even though we went to Faith's favorite place....San Francisco! Faith had numerous medical appointments in San Francisco and we would always make it an overnight thing so we could take our time. She loved to go to the Pier and watch the seals, which she called aarh, aarh's. Everytime we went through a tunnel, we had to yell "Yipee!". So, it is a place that holds a lot of memories.
However, we did really well! I am proud of all of us!!! Our first day in San Fran, we went to Alcatraz. The kids seemed bored with the exception of Andrew who was nervous. If you know Andrew...you will understand. :) The kids loved the boat ride, but Alcatraz itself was boring to them. When the tour was complete, we went to the Pier and watched the Aarh, aarh's and thought about Faith. We ate at our favorite restraunt afterwards, Bubba Gumps, and had a really nice surprise...we had a view of the ocean and 3 dolphins were jumping right in our view!!! A present from my mom and Faith?????
The following day went through the tour of Winchester Mystery House. Everyone LOVED that!!! Dominic was really interested and asked really good questions to the tour guide. (most of the questions were better than questions other adults were asking, I might add). After that, we had a late lunch that served as dinner and were on our way home. It was a quick, nice get-a-way.
This next weekend is our last open weekend before football games. I think we will spend it at home, relaxing around the pool and BBQing! Football season is long and because I am the Cheer Coordinator, even longer. I will need to be there from 10am all the way until the last game ends around 7 or 8. LONG DAY!!! But, football season is fun and I am glad we have the distraction. There are great people involved in the organization and it has been fun getting to know them.
The previous football season's, Monty was the one involved and I would stay at home with Faith and Karen. I think most people barely even knew who I was! So, this is bittersweet: fun to finally make friends, but at the same time...knowing why I can finally make them. However, I am trying to learn to embrace my NEW normal as challenging as that is. What else do you do? I know I am setting an example for my children of how to face life's curveballs and I take that seriously. It is a lot easier to curl up in a ball and shut the world out than to draw from your inner strength and rise to the occasion. My kids are rising to this challenge in an incredibly beautiful way. I actually draw courage from them. As much as I want to be with Faith, I also know I need to carry out my mission of being the mother to these AMAZING kids who show me the meaning of inner beauty and strength everyday!!!!!
However, we did really well! I am proud of all of us!!! Our first day in San Fran, we went to Alcatraz. The kids seemed bored with the exception of Andrew who was nervous. If you know Andrew...you will understand. :) The kids loved the boat ride, but Alcatraz itself was boring to them. When the tour was complete, we went to the Pier and watched the Aarh, aarh's and thought about Faith. We ate at our favorite restraunt afterwards, Bubba Gumps, and had a really nice surprise...we had a view of the ocean and 3 dolphins were jumping right in our view!!! A present from my mom and Faith?????
The following day went through the tour of Winchester Mystery House. Everyone LOVED that!!! Dominic was really interested and asked really good questions to the tour guide. (most of the questions were better than questions other adults were asking, I might add). After that, we had a late lunch that served as dinner and were on our way home. It was a quick, nice get-a-way.
This next weekend is our last open weekend before football games. I think we will spend it at home, relaxing around the pool and BBQing! Football season is long and because I am the Cheer Coordinator, even longer. I will need to be there from 10am all the way until the last game ends around 7 or 8. LONG DAY!!! But, football season is fun and I am glad we have the distraction. There are great people involved in the organization and it has been fun getting to know them.
The previous football season's, Monty was the one involved and I would stay at home with Faith and Karen. I think most people barely even knew who I was! So, this is bittersweet: fun to finally make friends, but at the same time...knowing why I can finally make them. However, I am trying to learn to embrace my NEW normal as challenging as that is. What else do you do? I know I am setting an example for my children of how to face life's curveballs and I take that seriously. It is a lot easier to curl up in a ball and shut the world out than to draw from your inner strength and rise to the occasion. My kids are rising to this challenge in an incredibly beautiful way. I actually draw courage from them. As much as I want to be with Faith, I also know I need to carry out my mission of being the mother to these AMAZING kids who show me the meaning of inner beauty and strength everyday!!!!!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
AUGUST 1ST
It has now been 2 months without Faith. We are still finding our way and living each day as it comes. 3 of my kids: Dominic, Jessica and Andrew are involved with football and cheer which started last week and keeps us VERY busy. It is 5 days a week for the next few weeks so there will not be time for much else.
I went to my doctor the other day and he said something very interesting to me...that I am not only grieving, but also coming off a heightened sense of anxiety that I lived with on a day to day basis. I had never even thought about the day to day anxiety! He asked what it was like when Faith didn't wake up at her normal time, or when she would look the slightest bit "off", or would get a low grade fever, etc. When those things happened, I was worried sick! Faith had numerous medical problems and we spent a lot of time at unplanned doctors appointments, ER visits and hospital stays. So, it REALLY struck a chord with me and gave me some new enlightenment to some of my feelings!!! It makes so much sense, but yet was not even something I had considered!
Reno was a nice trip, although it was our first one without Faith. When I packed, I couldn't shake the sense that I was forgetting something. I am so used to almost packing the whole house for trips and it was extremely strange to only fill up half of our trunk. In Reno, I couldn't stop myself from thinking "Faith would do this" or "Faith would have liked this". She just brought so much happiness and excitement to everything, that is was extremely strange not having her there. However, she was there (in a way). Jessica got her face painted with a yellow butterfly so Faith could be at Circus Circus with us and I went into a shop and found what I feel is a mommy and Faith ring. The ring has a yellow butterfly along with a clear butterfly. It makes me feel like it is Faith and I: Faith is yellow and I don't have a color yet for I am still here on Earth. Whatever makes me feel better, right? But, all in all, it was a fun trip and it was nice to get away. The most important thing is that the other kids enjoyed themselves and that was the ultimate point of it!!!
I went to my doctor the other day and he said something very interesting to me...that I am not only grieving, but also coming off a heightened sense of anxiety that I lived with on a day to day basis. I had never even thought about the day to day anxiety! He asked what it was like when Faith didn't wake up at her normal time, or when she would look the slightest bit "off", or would get a low grade fever, etc. When those things happened, I was worried sick! Faith had numerous medical problems and we spent a lot of time at unplanned doctors appointments, ER visits and hospital stays. So, it REALLY struck a chord with me and gave me some new enlightenment to some of my feelings!!! It makes so much sense, but yet was not even something I had considered!
Reno was a nice trip, although it was our first one without Faith. When I packed, I couldn't shake the sense that I was forgetting something. I am so used to almost packing the whole house for trips and it was extremely strange to only fill up half of our trunk. In Reno, I couldn't stop myself from thinking "Faith would do this" or "Faith would have liked this". She just brought so much happiness and excitement to everything, that is was extremely strange not having her there. However, she was there (in a way). Jessica got her face painted with a yellow butterfly so Faith could be at Circus Circus with us and I went into a shop and found what I feel is a mommy and Faith ring. The ring has a yellow butterfly along with a clear butterfly. It makes me feel like it is Faith and I: Faith is yellow and I don't have a color yet for I am still here on Earth. Whatever makes me feel better, right? But, all in all, it was a fun trip and it was nice to get away. The most important thing is that the other kids enjoyed themselves and that was the ultimate point of it!!!
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