AUGUST 1ST

It has now been 2 months without Faith. We are still finding our way and living each day as it comes. 3 of my kids: Dominic, Jessica and Andrew are involved with football and cheer which started last week and keeps us VERY busy. It is 5 days a week for the next few weeks so there will not be time for much else.

I went to my doctor the other day and he said something very interesting to me...that I am not only grieving, but also coming off a heightened sense of anxiety that I lived with on a day to day basis. I had never even thought about the day to day anxiety! He asked what it was like when Faith didn't wake up at her normal time, or when she would look the slightest bit "off", or would get a low grade fever, etc. When those things happened, I was worried sick! Faith had numerous medical problems and we spent a lot of time at unplanned doctors appointments, ER visits and hospital stays. So, it REALLY struck a chord with me and gave me some new enlightenment to some of my feelings!!! It makes so much sense, but yet was not even something I had considered!

Reno was a nice trip, although it was our first one without Faith. When I packed, I couldn't shake the sense that I was forgetting something. I am so used to almost packing the whole house for trips and it was extremely strange to only fill up half of our trunk. In Reno, I couldn't stop myself from thinking "Faith would do this" or "Faith would have liked this". She just brought so much happiness and excitement to everything, that is was extremely strange not having her there. However, she was there (in a way). Jessica got her face painted with a yellow butterfly so Faith could be at Circus Circus with us and I went into a shop and found what I feel is a mommy and Faith ring. The ring has a yellow butterfly along with a clear butterfly. It makes me feel like it is Faith and I: Faith is yellow and I don't have a color yet for I am still here on Earth. Whatever makes me feel better, right? But, all in all, it was a fun trip and it was nice to get away. The most important thing is that the other kids enjoyed themselves and that was the ultimate point of it!!!