July 24th, 2009

Our family is actually going to get out of this house this weekend!!! I am definitely ready for a change of scenery and we are going to head to Reno to stay the weekend. The trip is a birthday present for Lacey, who turned 9 on the 20th and Andrew, who turns 8 on the 29th. Happy Birthday!

Circus Circus is a great combination for the two of them. Andrew loves video games, which there are plenty of there so he will be in heaven! Lacey is my autistic one and her "thing" is dogs. As luck would have it, there is a circus dog show being performed there this weekend!!! Besides that, as down as I have been...I just don't see how you cannot smile and/or laugh in a place like Circus Circus. So, it should benefit all of us.

On the whole, our family is doing as well as can be expected. I am having the hardest time, but have weekly sessions with my counselor and I believe these sessions will start to help me heal. I have a wonderful counselor that I feel really wants to help me. She does not want me to take on anymore children or do anymore outside caregiving so that we can find out who I really am without that. That is so strange for me because since the age of 19 all I have done is take care of someone else. I really don't know who I am outside of that. And, then I think....well, isn't that me???? And, yes, it is, but I think her point is to learn what is it that I can do that is just for ME. Imagine that! The strange and hard part is....I don't know what that is! So, this will be a big challenge.

Guilt has been a big one for me this week too. Guilt is horrible and can destroy you. I keep trying to fight those thoughts away, but it is difficult. The thoughts of: could I have done anything different for Faith, should I have waited longer to do the surgery or should I have done it sooner, should I have known something wasn't right.... I was her mom and it is hard not to feel like I didn't do enough/ I didn't protect her enough. Now, there is no way to know. There is no turning back the clock and changing anything. What is done is done and I have to learn to accept what is.

I recently received a packet from an organization called Grief Haven. A friend of mine asked them to send me their information because it is an organization set up to help Parents that have lost their children. It was founded by a mother who lost her daughter to a rare sinus cancer. They sent me a wonderful packet including a video to help deal with our loss. But what I wanted to share was part of the packet that included a list of what things to "avoid" saying to someone grieving. I laughed when I read it because it is soooooooooo true!!! But the thing is....people don't know what to say. I was right there, too, just a year ago. Before I lost my mom, I had no idea what would make someone feel better at such a horrible time. Then, when I lost Faith, I REALLY learned what I didn't want to hear!

I have had numerous people ask me, "what is the right thing to say?". So, I figured I would share it for those that want or need to know. DON'T FEEL BAD IF YOU HAVE SAID ANY OF THESE THINGS! Like I said, most of us have NO clue what to say and that is why I am sharing. This list was compiled after asking "real" grieving parents what comments they did not like. The "avoid" list is much larger than the "comfort" list, as you will see. That is because.....honestly...there isn't much that IS comforting.

Things to avoid:

"at least he/she is no longer in pain"
"it was God's will"
"you'll be ok- you are strong"
"you must move on"
"He/she is the lucky one, we are stuck here"
"she/he is in a better place"
"there is nothing you can do about it"
"I know how you feel" (you can't possibly know unless you have lost a CHILD)
"he/she would not want you to be unhappy"
"you were lucky to have had her at all" (*this is one I question....because I do feel lucky to have had Faith at all. But, it was on the list so it must bother some grieving parents)
"thank God you have other children"
"At least you knew that kind of love"
"call me if you need anything" (YOU are supposed to reach out to the grieving person, not the other way around!)
"you can always have more children"
"I know how you feel - we just put our dog to sleep"
"he/she is in Gods hands now"
"you are still crying? Hasn't it been two years now?"
"It must have been their time"
"you will see them again one day"
"God only takes the best ones"
"just think, it could have been worse"
"time heals all things"
"everything happens for a reason" (*this one I, personally, am not sure about because I would like to believe things happen for a reason eventhough we may never understand until we meet our Maker)
"have you thought of taking a trip?"
"don't be angry, you know better"

Never compare losses, such as:

"at least you got to say goodbye"
"I know, I lost my father 3 years ago" (again, losing your child is different than any other loss)
"but you never knew him/her, since he died at birth"
"it must be so much worse to have a child who suffers for a long time"
"it must be worse having him die unexpectedly and never getting to say goodbye"
NO MATTER HOW OLD THE CHILD WAS OR HOW THE CHILD DIED, THE RESULT IS STILL THE SAME.............

Now, for the short comfort list:

"I am sorry for your loss"
"I miss (name) too"
"I am sorry. (name) had a beautiful smile" (or anything positive)
"I know how much you loved him/her"
"He/she told me how much he/she loved you and I know how much you meant to him/her"
"I care so much. I honestly don't know what to say"
"I can't begin to imagine what you are going through"
"I am so glad I knew him/her...they changed my life"
"I think about you all of the time"
"I miss his/her laugh and company" (or whatever it is you miss about the child)

So, the bottom line is that the best way to comfort someone that is grieving is by not saying much. Just by being there, letting them know you care in your way will make the grieving family eternally grateful to you.

Hope this is helpful.

Shelly