Thursday, January 17, 2013

Happy 9th Birthday

Happy Birthday Faith.  I wonder if it will ever get easier to write on those yellow balloons to you?  I can't imagine that it will.  It is our bridge from earth to the heavens on your special day and we hope you received those balloons.  We love and miss you everyday but are especially thinking of you on your special day.  The day that God decided to bring you into this world and a few weeks later bless us with the gift of giving you to our family.  I am a lucky mommy!  I hope you had fun with Grandma and the Angels today and I hope you felt our love.  Happy Birthday my precious Faith.  Happy Birthday my sweet girl.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Doing ok

Its getting close to your birthday but I am doing ok.  I am trying to find something positive in each and every day and it is really helping me out.

 It is so easy to get swallowed up in grief and misery.  It is so easy to want to pull the covers over your head and shut out the world.  It is MUCH harder to do the WORK and get yourself out of that mindset.  And, YES, it feels like work.  It is hard!  Part of me wants to stay there because it keeps me connected to you, so to speak, as strange as that may sound.  But, I know it is not healthy for me or for the rest of my family.  Nor is it how I want to live my life and I am sure it is not how you want me to live it.

So, I vowed to start looking at things in a more positive manner and really start finding things I am grateful for and I am finding that I am a lot happier even as your birthday approaches.  I realize that you sent Melina to me so I watch her now in a new light.  I am so blessed to have her.  She has a LOT of energy and sometimes it drives me crazy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything!  She is one of a kind and her happiness is contagious.  When she runs around and dances to songs I think of you because I know you would have loved to have been able to do those things if your legs would have cooperated.  I am sure in Heaven you can.  :)

My mindset is even different about wanting new furniture.  I have been so unhappy with my living room.  And...with my new attitude, I don't care!  It is not important.  I have furniture to sit on with my family so that is good enough!  Melina is too young and would ruin new furniture anyway, so it can wait.  I realize wanting new furniture was just part of me being unhappy on the inside and thinking I needed to change my environment would help.  But it won't.  Its all about me being happy on the inside that is the priority.  Spending money on furniture would take away from money that could be spent on doing things with my family and I definitely do NOT want to do that.

 Dominic will be a junior in high school this next school year.  That is really freaking me out!!!!!  The clock is ticking with him before he will be out of the house and I can't stand it.  I love that kid sooooooo much.  He is such a special soul.  Such a unique, kind, compassionate individual.  It is rare to find people like him let alone in a male.  I love spending time with him and need to try to get in as much as I can over the next few years.

Jessica too.  She is in high school.  A freshman.  She is incredibly busy with her competitive cheer.  Next season we will have to make some changes with that because she needs more time at home.  I love that she is so athletic but there has to be a balance.  We hardly see her.  She is gone 5-6 nights a week.  Time goes by too fast and as we all know, things can change in an instant so I need time more time with my little "mini me".  lol

So, my Faith, mom is doing pretty well.  I feel like I am getting rid of the dark cloud that was over me.  Kinda ironic because while I was writing this the song Shadow of the Day was playing and it states that   "....and the shadow of the day will embrace the world in gray and the sun will set for you..."  Also says "....sometimes solutions aren't so simple...".  That pretty much sums it up.

Love you baby girl.  The sun does set for you.


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

The New Year....2013

My sweet Faith,

It is now 2013 and I made it through yet another year without you.  Sometimes I still can't believe this is my life...the life I have to lead...and I suppose I am still stuck in a bit of the denial stage of grief.  It seems like it has been too long for me to still be in that stage but I think that is what has gotten me this far.  People like to say I am strong, but I just want to laugh because if they only knew what I really felt on the inside.....

I still feel lost without you.  It is probably crazy for some to understand how I could be so wrapped up in one child, but I was.  I think those with children with special needs, especially those with healthcare needs can understand.  When you were here, I felt strong because it was you and I against the world.  We had each other and I did everything I could to keep you here.  It was my life and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Now, without having to take care of you, I still feel a bit lost.  I feel like part of my identity is gone because it was intertwined with yours.  I loved getting your medications, going to doctor appointments, even hospital visits.  I LOVED ALL OF IT.  I miss it.  I miss you so darn much and so I am still trying to figure out what I do with myself from this point forward.

There has to be reason for all of this.  There has to be meaning behind my experience or else what was it for?????  Just to make us suffer?????  That can't be it and I refuse to believe that.  If I don't do something worthwhile with my life, I will feel as if I am failing both of us because I live for you now too.

 I am so grateful for the time I did have with you and by paying that forward I can show the world (in my own mind) that you were here and you MATTERED.   I hate how people forget.  I hate that I don't get to talk about you very much.  You were HERE and you did matter and you made a difference in this world and in our family and I will figure out a way to honor that.  I will.

So, for 2013 I am going to try to be open to exploring my options.  Melina will be starting preschool in April and so I will have some available time to start working on ME.  I can use that quiet time to hopefully figure some things out this year.  I have no clue what that will mean, but I believe...eventually...and with your help from above, I will figure it out.

For 2013 I am also going to play Monopoly.  Yes, Monopoly.  I cannot stand that game so I always have an excuse not to play.  But, Dominic and Jessica love the game and so I am going to sit my butt down and play!  The main reason I don't like to play is because the darn game takes soooooo long, but I only have a few years left with those two at home so there is nothing more important than playing a game of Monopoly with them.  Right Faith?  Right.  (i can hear just how you would say it :))

I am also going to be a better listener.  I don't feel like I am a bad listener, but I get other things done while I am listening.  I am a mom, a muli-tasker, that is what I am supposed to do.  Right?  Wrong!  I am going to make it a point to be an ACTIVE listener.  My mom was not an active listener and it drove me crazy and here I am repeating her mistake!!  So, I need to concentrate on sitting down and making whoever is talking to me feel important.  They always were important....but they need to FEEL it by my body language and that means no more multi-tasking while listening!  My kids, loved ones and friends are way more important than anything else.  It can always wait.

So, there you go my girl.  My thoughts for this new year.  The first part is kind of big for me.  I have to try hard to move on a bit from your last few months here on earth.  That is hard one to do because it means moving past a lot of feelings I have about it so I can start to see life a little clearer.  But, it is important to do so that I can give OUR life meaning.  I hope I can make it happen.  I love you my beautiful angel.   Mom.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Dear Faith,

I am sorry it has been so long but there is never a day that goes by that I do not think of you.  This time of year is especially hard as your absence is felt that much more.

As time goes on, people tend to forget.  But I will NEVER forget.  You meant the world to me and I feel like this world is missing out on so much without having you in it.

I saw this poem today and I wanted to share it with you.  It is exactly how I feel.

As long as I live,
You will live
As long as I live,
You will be
As long as I live, 
You will be loved.

I hope you love your special Christmas tree.  I hope you were with us as we decorated it.  I love the ornament you made me with your handprint the most.  It makes me cry every time, but it also makes me smile.  Your hands were so unique and special and I miss those little blue, clubbed fingertips.  :)

I love you Faithy.  I miss you so much sometimes I feel like my heart could break it hurts so much.  But, I know you are waiting for me with Grandma, GG, and Grandpa.  I am sure they are taking very good care of you and I am sure the angels sing that much sweeter with you by their side.

I love you.  I miss you.  You are my heart.


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mothers Day, 2011

Dear Mom,

I missed you today. How I wish I could have spent the day with you. I miss our talks, I miss your laugh, I miss your touch.

I was so lucky to be your daughter. I could not have hand picked a better mom and I am so grateful for the life and the love you gave me.

I hope you can feel my love today. I hope you know how very much I love you.

Happy Heavenly Mothers day.

Forever your daughter,


Dear Faith,

I missed you so much today. Your presence is missed every day, but days like today...make your absence felt even stronger.

I hope you, too, can feel my love. I hope you know how much I loved being your mommy.

I miss you. I will miss you always.

I love you my baby girl. Mommy loves you.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Feb. 26, 2011

Dear Faith,

We have lots of snow at our house! Definitely enough to make snowmen and sled down the hill! We have been out of power but it came back on this morning. So glad it did because it was FREEZING!! I couldn't help but think how you would have reacted to all of this. Without power, you would not have been able to have your air purifier plugged in that created the white noise you loved to sleep to. I think you would have had to snuggle in bed with mom and dad. :) We actually had to do that with Melina because we were concerned with her getting too cold.

Speaking of Melina, she is doing wonderful. She will be 11 months old on Monday. She is getting so big and making some small attempts at crawling. She is starting to throw little fits and has a definite personality. I am beginning to think we may have our hands full with her!!!

We have our first Lacrosse game today for Dominic. I can't wait to see how his team will do. They have quite a bit of athletic talent on their team, however it is a small we shall see. Lacrosse is my favorite sport to watch so I am excited! Tomorrow they have a double header in Redding. Do you remember when we went to Redding two years ago? I sure do. It was SO hot and I was very concerned about you. We went and sat in the back of our van to shade you from the sun. I remember having my feelings hurt because none of my friends kept us company. But now, looking back on it, I am grateful it was time for just you and I. You took a nap in the back and I just loved watching you sleep so peacefully. I sure wish we could go again together....

I took Dominic and Jessica to Disneyland a couple weeks ago. Again, a place that kept me constantly thinking of you. The three of us had a really good time. We got to go for 3 days and it was nice to spend quality time with Dom and Jess. The lines were short and we got to go on every ride we wanted. The longest line we stood in was to take a picture with Tinkerbell for Jocyleen. When we got up to Tink...she didn't even look like her! We waited 45 minutes for that!! But, it is a good picture that will give us memories to laugh at for years to come.

Grandma (mima) had a birthday yesterday. I didn't get to celebrate it how I wanted to since we were snowed in. However, I had candles lit and had a glass of wine in her honor. I hope you got to share her special day with her.

I miss you so much Faith. Whoever said that time heals....didn't know what they were talking about. It doesn't heal. It just provides you with the time to get a band-aid to cover up that wound....but the wound is still there. I think about you constantly and the realization that you are not physically with us is stronger now. I miss your laugh, your enthusiasm, your love.... I hope you are happy wherever you are and I hope you can feel all the love we continue to have for you.



Monday, January 17, 2011

7 years old

Happy Birthday Faith. Hope the heavens are throwing you a beautiful party! We love and miss you so very much. Wish we could be with you.