The New Year....2013

My sweet Faith,

It is now 2013 and I made it through yet another year without you.  Sometimes I still can't believe this is my life...the life I have to lead...and I suppose I am still stuck in a bit of the denial stage of grief.  It seems like it has been too long for me to still be in that stage but I think that is what has gotten me this far.  People like to say I am strong, but I just want to laugh because if they only knew what I really felt on the inside.....

I still feel lost without you.  It is probably crazy for some to understand how I could be so wrapped up in one child, but I was.  I think those with children with special needs, especially those with healthcare needs can understand.  When you were here, I felt strong because it was you and I against the world.  We had each other and I did everything I could to keep you here.  It was my life and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Now, without having to take care of you, I still feel a bit lost.  I feel like part of my identity is gone because it was intertwined with yours.  I loved getting your medications, going to doctor appointments, even hospital visits.  I LOVED ALL OF IT.  I miss it.  I miss you so darn much and so I am still trying to figure out what I do with myself from this point forward.

There has to be reason for all of this.  There has to be meaning behind my experience or else what was it for?????  Just to make us suffer?????  That can't be it and I refuse to believe that.  If I don't do something worthwhile with my life, I will feel as if I am failing both of us because I live for you now too.

 I am so grateful for the time I did have with you and by paying that forward I can show the world (in my own mind) that you were here and you MATTERED.   I hate how people forget.  I hate that I don't get to talk about you very much.  You were HERE and you did matter and you made a difference in this world and in our family and I will figure out a way to honor that.  I will.

So, for 2013 I am going to try to be open to exploring my options.  Melina will be starting preschool in April and so I will have some available time to start working on ME.  I can use that quiet time to hopefully figure some things out this year.  I have no clue what that will mean, but I believe...eventually...and with your help from above, I will figure it out.

For 2013 I am also going to play Monopoly.  Yes, Monopoly.  I cannot stand that game so I always have an excuse not to play.  But, Dominic and Jessica love the game and so I am going to sit my butt down and play!  The main reason I don't like to play is because the darn game takes soooooo long, but I only have a few years left with those two at home so there is nothing more important than playing a game of Monopoly with them.  Right Faith?  Right.  (i can hear just how you would say it :))

I am also going to be a better listener.  I don't feel like I am a bad listener, but I get other things done while I am listening.  I am a mom, a muli-tasker, that is what I am supposed to do.  Right?  Wrong!  I am going to make it a point to be an ACTIVE listener.  My mom was not an active listener and it drove me crazy and here I am repeating her mistake!!  So, I need to concentrate on sitting down and making whoever is talking to me feel important.  They always were important....but they need to FEEL it by my body language and that means no more multi-tasking while listening!  My kids, loved ones and friends are way more important than anything else.  It can always wait.

So, there you go my girl.  My thoughts for this new year.  The first part is kind of big for me.  I have to try hard to move on a bit from your last few months here on earth.  That is hard one to do because it means moving past a lot of feelings I have about it so I can start to see life a little clearer.  But, it is important to do so that I can give OUR life meaning.  I hope I can make it happen.  I love you my beautiful angel.   Mom.