No Greater Pain

No Greater Pain

I know you mean well
But you don't understand
There are no words to explain
Although on the surface, I may appear fine,
Remember I buried a child of mine
And there is no greater pain.

Grief is a taboo in our civilized world,
I despise this hideous game,
I must smile while going insane.
For Gods' sake, a part of me died,
You can't imagine how often I've cried,
And there is no greater pain.

If I look well,
Or laugh when you joke,
You think I'm my old self again.
I'm raw inside, a shell of me,
The woman you knew can no longer be,
And there is no greater pain.

Look deep into my eyes,
Acknowledge my loss,
As my heart beats its hollow refrain.
I'm caught in a web of infinite whys
I'll morn for my son 'till the rest of me dies,
And there is no greater pain.

Madelaine Perri Kasden
Written in loving memory of her son,
Neill Perri 10/2/71-6/15/95

Goodbye

Thank you to everyone that has offered support before, during and after the passing of my beautiful daughter, Faith. She was an inspiration to many and a source of light for our family that is beyond compare.

I needed this blog during the many stages of emotions I went through over the past 6 months. It was a valuable tool for me and a very helpful way to unload the emotions I was feeling during this horrific time. However, I now realize I should keep my feelings private and am developing another way to share them that will continue to be beneficial for myself and my children in the years to come.

Our family is moving on in the best way we can. Each day brings new emotions and sometimes...you just can't fight them. "It is what it is". Grief is horrible and can bring you to your knees; sometimes when you least expect it.

But, our family is strong and we will continue to move forward. Some days we cry, some days we smile, some days we even laugh.....most days we do all 3! We do so with Faith's love in our mind and in our heart. We do so in honor of our precious angel looking down on us and wanting us to find peace and happiness once again.

Thank you to all who followed Faith's story. Our family really appreciates the outpouring of support we received and we will never forget it. We hope Faith made an impact on your life as she did so greatly in ours.

With love.......The Duarte's

Septmeber 1, 2009

I would like to clear something up: dwelling on past events and grieving are two separate things. Yes, you should not dwell on past events in your life that do not allow you to productively move forward. However, losing a loved one and wanting them to be remembered is not dwelling on a past event. I believe any grief counselor would back me up on the fact that it is good to talk about our loved ones that have passed on. It is good to laugh, cry, be angry....You need to allow yourself those feelings in order to heal. Stuffing them away (not dwelling on them) would be the most harmful thing you could do. It is natural to have a gromet of emotions and healthy to share them.

For me to share my feelings, even ones of feeling alone, is only expression. Anyone that knows me well, would say that I am not one for self-pity. In no way am I asking for that with this blog. There are many stages of grief...all that one needs to go through during their journey of losing a loved one. To me, this blog is an amazing way to express myself and the feelings I have experienced along the way. Right or wrong, they are my feelings. Right or wrong, I feel it is valuable to share them as a tool to for others to learn what those of us that have lost a child go through.

I want to say how nice it was to receive that beautiful post from Pam. And, what strange timing it was!!! In my last post, I stated how I did not think I wanted to continue with foster care because of the extra attention my children were receiving without doing it. Strangely, since that post, my kids have been asking me when we are going to get a new child. I am shocked! However, they have grown up with this lifestyle so they don't know any other way. I mentioned working with a four year old girl the other day and Dominic and Jessica got very excited thinking the four year old was coming to live with us! I talked to them and they really want a young child back in the house again. Hmmmmmmm..................................

We had a really nice weekend. Hot, but nice. All four of our football teams won their games!!! My cheerleaders did really well for their first game and I am so proud of them. Monty and I got to enjoy adult time Saturday night, as well. We went to a tailgate party with friends where we had a few drinks and enjoyed some dancing. We have not done anything like that in awhile and it was fun.

Jessica got to have her birthday party with friends at SkyHigh on Sunday, which is a fantastic place for kids to go. We had never been before, but I will say it was worth the money! The kids had a blast and got a lot of energy out so we could enjoy a quiet, leisurely Sunday evening.

Till next time.............

Shelly