It has been a week...a week since her service. I honestly am having a hard time coming up with the right words to describe this week. The main thing is that the service made things FINAL. I was very busy prior to it...had lots to do, put together, arrange, etc. That is the way I work and like to be very busy.
But, now, the service is over and it is really hitting home that this is REALITY. There is no more Faith that is going to wake me up in the morning, no one going to ask me the same question over and over again 100 times in a 5 minute period, no one to crawl all over her brothers head, no one to sing to at night. It is and all encompasing grief. I wish I could say for other parents that it gets better, but at the moment I cannot. I absolutely cannot because for me...because I am not as busy...and things are really over....it is a million times worse.
And, if feels like she is so easily forgotten already by so many and that is very difficult. It is easy to understand because they have lives and have children to tend to, but it feels as if I walk in a bit of a fog and don't seem to relate to many right now.
I tried going out with friends to a few bars the other night. This is something I haven't done while Faith was here because of concern and having a knowledgeable person watch her. I will say, I laughed and thought it was fun. However, when I got home...all I could think is that ---is that was I was missing? If so, you can have it and I would MUCH rather be stuck at home with my "challenging" kids over most other things.
It is also weird to even have that freedom. That is a new concept. Not to be so afraid of how much public interaction you expose your sick child to, what you are bringing home, who is going to take care of them if your not there, what if there is an emergency. The list goes on an on. It is such a void I feel that I am not sure will ever go away.
Some people have told me to take on another kid. I almost had a heart attack because I need to grieve for Faith. That is first and foremost for myself and my other children right now. I will never say never, but I don't see myself being able to do that for a very long time. I am afraid of the heart break and there is no "replacing" Faith. She was one of a kind and all I want to concentrate on is trying to get better.
I start counseling tomorrow and my younger ones get to start grief group. My older ones just finished the group because of grieving for their grandmother. But, the older kids seem to understand this much better where the little ones could use the help. Thank heavens there are these programs out there!
Anyway, that is our first week. A lot of emptiness. But, with that emptiness the other kids are getting more quality attention. So, there are goods and bads, as always.
We are still holding out heads up and are now able to make it out in public. Nights are torture,but hopefully I can learn some self help skills with my counseling for that.
Goodnight to all. I am grateful to those of you that still check in even though Faith has left. This experience has really shown me the good people in my life verses the not so good ones. Valuable lesson!
I will check back in a week and hopefully be able to report that I am doing a little better. Maybe i will even get a dream by then like Monty did...the lucky guy!!!!
Take care.
Shelly
Hi Shelly,
ReplyDeleteJust checking in on you guys again. I am so sorry you have to go through this. It is not fair and it doesn't make sense. All of your feelings sound normal to me, I imagine it would be very difficult to find a "new normal" while everyone else gets to have their old normal. I'm glad that you and the kids are going to start counseling. I can't think of anything in life more challenging than what your family is going through and seeking professional help sounds like a great idea. Sending you love & hugs, and keeping Faith in my heart,
Andrea
Shelly,
ReplyDeleteFaith is not forgotten. I never met Faith or your family and I think about her often, generally when I need some strength to get through a situation or when I start to feel sorry for myself over small, stupid things.
I hope the grief counseling can help with the seemingly unfairness of it all. But please know that people still care.
Lastly, YOU were the reason I connected with Faith. Your writings and your insights and your compassion for a medically-fragile, adopted child. Maybe you would consider writing of your experiences or a book about Faith? Maybe a scholarship or annual tribute to remind us of her strength, courage, and love.
Cathy M.
Hi Shelley,
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea who I am. A fellow heart Mom sent me to your website and asked me to pray for you and I have been prayin and following for a while now. We lost our son 3 years ago after during his recovery of his fontan surgery. As I read your words, I feel as though I am reading the words I felt those 3 years ago. Its so hard after the service as everyone's life is back to normal and yours has shattered into a million pieces and there is no putting it back together again. You struggle to put together coherent thoughts and to even complete simple tasks. Everything from making dinner to completing laundry is overwhelming, if it requires a decision that might just tip you over the edge. All of this is very normal as you grieve. This first year is going to be hard. Give yourself alot of grace and hold close to your family and I pray you have a few friends that will just support you and hold you up during this time.
Our prayers are with you and if you ever need to just talk feel free to email me and I will shoot you my number.
tgrabb@cox.net
Terri Grabb
www.cmgheartfoundation.net
Mama Shelly,
ReplyDeleteI think about Faith everyday, her picture is above my bed. She will always be in my heart. She did unbeleivable things to me. Love all you guys...
Dear Shelly,
ReplyDeleteI think of Faith and your family every day and pray for all of you. Don't ever think Faith is forgotten..she is always here, still touching and teaching.
Please be kind to yourself...
with love,
mary curtis
Shelly-There is no way we are ever going to forget Faith or your family. Faith is one of my children's guardian angels. Let me share something with you, back in 2003 Mya was at LPCH having her third open-heart. I made friends with a family from Alabama whose eight y/o daughter was also having open-heart. Recovery was going great for both families and we were all looking forward to discharge. The night before Mya was discharged, I was talking to this family and all was well with the little girl(her name was Justice Foster). Not even 12 hours later when we were getting ready to leave the hospital, I went looking for the Fosters to tell them goodbye..I ran into them and they informed me that Justice had taken a turn for the worse overnight and had just passed away. It tore me apart. That was several years ago and I still remember that child and family..I still pray for them every night. Pretty much every family we have met through hospitalizations or HOH..I pray for..and I mention each child's name...I make it a point to so I never forget. We were at a luncheon at Sutter yesterday for one of the heart surgeons and I had mentioned to Valerie from HOH what an impact Faith and your family has had on me..I also told her that I get to meet you in person some day. I wish I could say something to take away your grief..just know that your family is special to mine and we will gladly do anything to help....
ReplyDeleteLynne
Shelly,
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I cannot begin to imagine the emptiness of losing a child. I think your strength is truly admirable. Hang in there. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
-Laura Jaeggi (Andrea's friend)
Hi Shelly,
ReplyDeleteNot a single day goes by that I do not think of Little Miss Faith. I am not one of the fortunate who were able to meet her, but she has touched my life and made such an impact. There is not a single day that I do not stop everything I am doing, think of her, how she is the brightest star in the sky. Think of you and how incredibly strong, admirable and inspirational you have been through everything, and smile, hug my children tight and say a prayer. I will always Keep the Faith, thanks to the Duarte's. I do hope to "run into" you at UCD next Monday, if you are still planning a visit.
Sending love always,
Jen
Shelly, I think of you, your family and Faith daily. I wonder how you're living and dealing in your day to day life without Faith being w/you.
ReplyDeleteYou will continue to grieve, but also heal. It takes time. Remember that.
Please don't feel that "we've" forgotten her. She will always be a part of the Duarte Family. Always.
Love,
Lisa Froling
Hi Shelly,
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking of you and your family, and wanted to let you know that you are still in my prayers. Take some time for yourself and your family. But always remember that we are here if you need us.
Cynthia
Hi Shelly -
ReplyDeleteJust checking in on you, glad to see you are still updating. Sorry I wasn't able to attend Faith's service, I hear it was wonderful. My family and I are continuing to keep you in our prayers.
Love, Anissa