July 12th, 2009

Today has been a year since my mom passed. So much has happened this past year and I am sitting here having a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Two of my most favorite people I have met in my life are gone. Gone.

I mean, how did this all happen? Why? What the heck are my life lessons? Life is extremely complicated and there is no way to figure it out.

I have been told that the pain will lesson with time, but I have to be honest that is really not happening yet. Not with either of the one's I have lost. I was extremely connected in a strong way to both of them. In a way I feel very lucky to have had such deep love with them, but it also makes their loss harder because it leaves such a huge void in my everyday life. My mom and Faith were part of my EVERYDAY life.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them. With Faith....I don't think even a minute goes by. I have her ashes in a necklace and I HAVE to wear it or I freak out. That is my way of having her as close to me as I can get her and it gives me comfort.

Monty has gone back to work, but I am home with the kids. I think Monty being out of the house, is coping pretty well. He has something to do everyday and is not in this house all day long with memories around him everywhere. It is not so easy for me trying to be here, trying to keep a "game" face on for the kids at home and give them all the attention they deserve when sometimes I don't even want to face the day. Morning comes and I don't really want to get up because I don't have Faith and I don't have my best friend, my mom, to call and cry to. The solace in that is that hopefully they are taking care of each other which is more important that my feelings.

But, my life has changed so dramatically and I am very lost. I don't know where to go from here. I am trying to pour my attention into everyone at home, but school starts in the middle of August...and then what? I can't stay home all day long without Faith. So, those are personal things that I will have to figure out on my own. Maybe those initial days of quiet I can find some time to really reflect on that. Reflect on what I see myself doing from this point on. I know it has to have something that has meaning. That helps a person/s in some way. I have the paperwork to be a volunteer at UCD, which I would LOVE to do, but I don't know when I will be ready to walk in there again. So many memories, but I would love to and someday I will have to try to go in and try to face the emotion and fear. Hospital life, especially at UCD, has been my life for 5 years and strangely I miss it. So, volunteering there and spending time with the great staff and children there would (I think) renew my spirit when I feel up to it. That may be my way to give back to Faith and I am pretty sure my mom would be proud of me as well.

So, today is just a hard one because of that year mark and reflecting on a lot of things. I miss my mom. I miss Faith. I hope they are at peace and that eventually I can find some of that peace, too, and bring back some of my happiness they took a little bit of when they left. Special girls they are. Both probably taking over up there in Heaven with their ultra amazing personalities! Both of those girls had such a love for life, music, people, dance..........Heaven is certainly a brighter place.

Shelly
- Love you Mamacita. Miss you very, very much. And, Faithy, oh...man...you know mommy loves you and misses you all the time. Take care my special ones and save me a place right next to you BOTH!