It has been a challenging week and a half. Faith would have started Kindergarten this year. The first day of school was one of the hardest, saddest days that I have had to date. Faith couldn't wait to go to the same school as her brothers and sisters and it killed me that she didn't get to do that. She would have lit up that school and it breaks my heart everyday to see all those kids and know that they are missing out on getting to know such an amazing person.
That is another challenge....people forgetting. That is the hardest part of this whole process. A friend of mine told me that the support goes away extremely quickly and that people forget equally as quickly. I didn't believe it, but now I 100% understand and it hurts. Hurts more than words can even express. I did not feel this way with my mom. I suppose it is because she was an adult and I know that the people that knew and loved her will remember. However, with Faith, she was so young and only a select number of people had contact with her. So it is easy for her to be forgotten. As a mother, that is the hardest thing to accept. My beautiful, courageous baby doesn't deserve that.
When she was alive, there were multiple support avenues. The heart support group was phenominal, especially during hospital stays, but now they are basically null and void. Maybe it is due to the fear of the same thing happening to them. Family members and friends (not all, of course) that called daily, now call few and far between and some not at all; This blog used to get up to 25 posts in a day and now, it is lucky to receive one. It is all so strange. Strange, lonely and sad. I am going to go to a support group once football and cheer free up my time. The only unfortunate thing is that is that the closest one is pretty far into Sacramento. But, I will try it out since they only meet once a month and I am sure it will feel good to share with others that understand.
I guess I feel free, however, to express these things on the blog because of that. I told my kids that this blog will be a great thing for them to look back on one day. When they are 50 years old they can go to this site and see how their mom was feeling....remember Faith...see what things they did....what vacations we took...etc. After I pass away, it will be even more valuable to them. I wish I had a chronicle of my mom's life or a letter that she wrote to me...anything. The world of technology sure has made a lot of great things available.
Since the kids are back in school, it is very strange to be at home by myself. I'm not sure I care for it and am considering going back to work. I am fairly confident that I do not want to do foster care anymore. There are a few reasons for this.... 1) I don't want to have anymore losses, 2) working with biological parents is difficult and 3) because, honestly, the other kids are blossoming with the extra attention. My kids have openly and lovingly shared their mom and dad with multiple children for the past 8 years, many of them (primarily Faith) very time consuming. It is their time now! They have suffered enough loss, as well. They deserve extra attention and I don't want to weaken and take that away from them. Dominic is 12 now and Jessica just turned 11. I don't have much longer until they are adults and will move away from home and that is why I need to stay focused on them and continue to be strong and say NO when I receive those calls!
Other than that, life continues to move forward and I keep fighting to find my way.
Shelly
Shelly,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm glad that you can get your feelings out on the blog. I just want you to know that I will never forget Faith. I have her picture on my fridge and think of her every time I hear "The Climb" and "If today were your last day." Also when I see a yellow butterfly. I am still praying for your family. Maybe now that the older kids are in school you can come up with a way to keep Faith's memory living on. Another heart mom I know through the blog world who lost her daughter(laymanscoop.blogspot.com) started a book cart and named it after Kate. They bring books to hospitalized children. Maybe you could do something along those lines.
Sending you love and hugs,
Andrea
Oops. The link is layman4.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteShelly, I check your blog all the time. You are so generous in sharing your feelings with us...thank you. I would like to know when the Sacramento meeting is. I would be like to drive down sometime and go with you. We don't have any kind of support groups up here. I understand the feeling that people have moved on but you have not. Shock kind of keeps you going in the beginning and just when that wears off and the real grief begins, people get back to their lives. It's incredibly hard to deal with. Please know that you are not alone and you do have support. Much love, Amy
ReplyDeleteShelly, I am so sorry that you think some of us have forgotten your family, and Faith. I always look for a new post on your blog, and think about you so often. As a teacher, I can tell you that I have had students lose parents, siblings, and deal with their own life-threatening issues. But, at least for me, I never forget their struggles, and always look at the families with admiration and awe as they go about their daily lives on the school campus. I really, really hope that your children's school has teachers and staff who feel the same way inside!
ReplyDeleteHI SHELLY, I ALSO FOLLOWED YOUR UPDATES ON FAITH AND WAS TRULY SADENED BY THE NEWS OF HER PASSING. YOU ARE A STRONG AND AMAZING PERSON AND YOUR FAMILY DESERVES THE ATTENTION AND LOVE THEY ARE GETTING NOW. I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOUR FAMILY TO OUR PLACE FOR A LITTLE FUN AND RELAXATION ,SINCERELY , STEVE WILLIAMS
ReplyDeleteSTEVEWILLIAMSB@AOL.COM
Gina - I bet you are a great teacher. We do have one teacher on campus that has been wonderful to my kids. Was at the funeral as well. Other than her...I am not sure. But, my kids are dealing pretty well. If they were to cry or have some kind of meltdown, I would imagine (or hope) they would be understanding. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteMama- love you all :) Faith is on my mind every single day, you know that.
ReplyDeleteHi Shelly-I still think of all of you often. I check your blog a lot but I don't always know what to say. Just know that your family and Faith are far from being forgotten by me....
ReplyDeleteLynne
Hi Shelly,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing so honestly about your hurt and disappointment. Although I have checked in often I have hesitated to comment. Mainly because I felt I couldn't possibly understand what you were going through and therefor didn't have much to offer. I knew what it was like to have a sick child in a life or death situation, but now that Faith has died, what peace or comfort could I possibly offer? That's silly now that I think about it.
I think I also felt that I had somehow failed. That all my obsessive blog-checking and praying and well-wishes hadn't saved Faith, that somehow I wasn't qualified to offer support anymore. Again, silly.
I think of your family every day. I am praying for you now that you get the support you need and feel every day that Faith is not forgotten.
Jane, Ramona's mom
www.ramonamae.com
Shelly,
ReplyDeleteYou and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, as I can only imagine what this year of "firsts" must be like for you. You are not alone, and Faith's story continues to inspire every day. Her mark on this world will last much longer than I think anyone can realize. Remember to keep Faith!
-Laura Jaeggi
Dear Lord, I praise you for Shelly & the talents that you have given her to be an amazing mom. Wrap your arms around her & her family--shower them with love, peace, and lots of memories!
ReplyDeleteShelly--thanks for sharing! You are in my thoughts & prayers!
--Amie (Brown) Martin
Dear Shelly,
ReplyDeleteI know for sure that in the Christian world your daughter will never be forgotten. Each time I hear the word Faith her precious little face and story come to my mind. I never had the pleasure of meeting your Faith but so identified with her and your family. I only started reading your site once Faith was so critical with her last heart surgery.
I think I wrote to you once to tell you about our common interests. One is that we too have a little girl who we adopted through foster care with 22q. Her birthday is also in Jan but a year after Faith's. We did foster care for 17 years before we thought it was time to stop for a while. I understand the comment about losses and the need to focus on the children that God has given you for this time. One thing I will tell you about foster care is that my grown children have wonderful memories and experiences from our years in this ministry and yours will as well.
I just had to say good bye to my mom as she passed from this life to heaven and so your concern about people forgetting Faith touched my heart. I think that people see us smile (because we have to) and reason that they don't want to make us sad or cry by not saying the name we live to hear. Oh how mixed up that is. Sure it may make us cry but how it gladdens our heart just to hear the name!
Praying that as you all adjust to this new life with all the "first" you will have to deal with this year, that Faith's medical ills will begin to fade and the fun happy times you had with her will be memories that fill your mind.
Thinking of you,
Pam and Madison
www.caringbridge.org/visit/madison
I pray every night for you to have the strength to move forward. As you said, you have children that now have the luxury of having their mom in a way that they didn't before. You are human and therefore are going to have moments that are very difficult. During Faith's hospital stay you got lots of encouragement and support and once Faith was gone, so was the attention that your story was receiving. No one has or will forget Faith, even strangers were touched by her experience. People aren't going to keep bringing her up because they want you to move forward and to dwell on the past isn't helpful to that process. to never talk about Faith, well that won't happen, she is part of your family and will always be part of your happiest memories. Were trying to move on as well, for you and your families sake. You keep saying now that your alone, but your not. You are surrounded by love and people who are trying to move forward the best that they can. But don't ever assume that she is forgotten. People don't need to bring her up to remember, she is etched in our hearts forever.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog all the time and pray for all of you often! I was thinking, maybe you could head up a support group in your own area for what you are experiencing with your loss of Faith??? That might be a really good outlet for you that you could also benefit from.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted you to know I am a faithful reader and pray-er no matter what!!
Megan
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