Our family is actually going to get out of this house this weekend!!! I am definitely ready for a change of scenery and we are going to head to Reno to stay the weekend. The trip is a birthday present for Lacey, who turned 9 on the 20th and Andrew, who turns 8 on the 29th. Happy Birthday!
Circus Circus is a great combination for the two of them. Andrew loves video games, which there are plenty of there so he will be in heaven! Lacey is my autistic one and her "thing" is dogs. As luck would have it, there is a circus dog show being performed there this weekend!!! Besides that, as down as I have been...I just don't see how you cannot smile and/or laugh in a place like Circus Circus. So, it should benefit all of us.
On the whole, our family is doing as well as can be expected. I am having the hardest time, but have weekly sessions with my counselor and I believe these sessions will start to help me heal. I have a wonderful counselor that I feel really wants to help me. She does not want me to take on anymore children or do anymore outside caregiving so that we can find out who I really am without that. That is so strange for me because since the age of 19 all I have done is take care of someone else. I really don't know who I am outside of that. And, then I think....well, isn't that me???? And, yes, it is, but I think her point is to learn what is it that I can do that is just for ME. Imagine that! The strange and hard part is....I don't know what that is! So, this will be a big challenge.
Guilt has been a big one for me this week too. Guilt is horrible and can destroy you. I keep trying to fight those thoughts away, but it is difficult. The thoughts of: could I have done anything different for Faith, should I have waited longer to do the surgery or should I have done it sooner, should I have known something wasn't right.... I was her mom and it is hard not to feel like I didn't do enough/ I didn't protect her enough. Now, there is no way to know. There is no turning back the clock and changing anything. What is done is done and I have to learn to accept what is.
I recently received a packet from an organization called Grief Haven. A friend of mine asked them to send me their information because it is an organization set up to help Parents that have lost their children. It was founded by a mother who lost her daughter to a rare sinus cancer. They sent me a wonderful packet including a video to help deal with our loss. But what I wanted to share was part of the packet that included a list of what things to "avoid" saying to someone grieving. I laughed when I read it because it is soooooooooo true!!! But the thing is....people don't know what to say. I was right there, too, just a year ago. Before I lost my mom, I had no idea what would make someone feel better at such a horrible time. Then, when I lost Faith, I REALLY learned what I didn't want to hear!
I have had numerous people ask me, "what is the right thing to say?". So, I figured I would share it for those that want or need to know. DON'T FEEL BAD IF YOU HAVE SAID ANY OF THESE THINGS! Like I said, most of us have NO clue what to say and that is why I am sharing. This list was compiled after asking "real" grieving parents what comments they did not like. The "avoid" list is much larger than the "comfort" list, as you will see. That is because.....honestly...there isn't much that IS comforting.
Things to avoid:
"at least he/she is no longer in pain"
"it was God's will"
"you'll be ok- you are strong"
"you must move on"
"He/she is the lucky one, we are stuck here"
"she/he is in a better place"
"there is nothing you can do about it"
"I know how you feel" (you can't possibly know unless you have lost a CHILD)
"he/she would not want you to be unhappy"
"you were lucky to have had her at all" (*this is one I question....because I do feel lucky to have had Faith at all. But, it was on the list so it must bother some grieving parents)
"thank God you have other children"
"At least you knew that kind of love"
"call me if you need anything" (YOU are supposed to reach out to the grieving person, not the other way around!)
"you can always have more children"
"I know how you feel - we just put our dog to sleep"
"he/she is in Gods hands now"
"you are still crying? Hasn't it been two years now?"
"It must have been their time"
"you will see them again one day"
"God only takes the best ones"
"just think, it could have been worse"
"time heals all things"
"everything happens for a reason" (*this one I, personally, am not sure about because I would like to believe things happen for a reason eventhough we may never understand until we meet our Maker)
"have you thought of taking a trip?"
"don't be angry, you know better"
Never compare losses, such as:
"at least you got to say goodbye"
"I know, I lost my father 3 years ago" (again, losing your child is different than any other loss)
"but you never knew him/her, since he died at birth"
"it must be so much worse to have a child who suffers for a long time"
"it must be worse having him die unexpectedly and never getting to say goodbye"
NO MATTER HOW OLD THE CHILD WAS OR HOW THE CHILD DIED, THE RESULT IS STILL THE SAME.............
Now, for the short comfort list:
"I am sorry for your loss"
"I miss (name) too"
"I am sorry. (name) had a beautiful smile" (or anything positive)
"I know how much you loved him/her"
"He/she told me how much he/she loved you and I know how much you meant to him/her"
"I care so much. I honestly don't know what to say"
"I can't begin to imagine what you are going through"
"I am so glad I knew him/her...they changed my life"
"I think about you all of the time"
"I miss his/her laugh and company" (or whatever it is you miss about the child)
So, the bottom line is that the best way to comfort someone that is grieving is by not saying much. Just by being there, letting them know you care in your way will make the grieving family eternally grateful to you.
Hope this is helpful.
Shelly
Friday, July 24, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
THANK YOU!
We would like to thank everyone that contributed to the raffle to benefit our family through Hearts of Hope. In times of such grief, an amazing thing happens....you learn that there are truly loving, giving and generous people out there that want to lend a hand. Most of these people we have not even met personally and that makes it even more inspiring.
Here are the winners:
1. E. Heckelman: $50 gift certificate to Cafe Bernardo
2. K & A Scott: A haircut with Angelina at Deeda Salon
3. G. Dyke: A birthday party at Max's Miracle Ranch
4. P. Thompson: A birthday party at Max's Miracle Ranch
5. R. Adamson: Photo session with Princess Photography
6. N. Baggett: Fireworks package
You should be hearing from Andrea, soon, to collect your prizes.
Thank you to all that contributed. We are humbled by your kindness.
The Duarte family
Here are the winners:
1. E. Heckelman: $50 gift certificate to Cafe Bernardo
2. K & A Scott: A haircut with Angelina at Deeda Salon
3. G. Dyke: A birthday party at Max's Miracle Ranch
4. P. Thompson: A birthday party at Max's Miracle Ranch
5. R. Adamson: Photo session with Princess Photography
6. N. Baggett: Fireworks package
You should be hearing from Andrea, soon, to collect your prizes.
Thank you to all that contributed. We are humbled by your kindness.
The Duarte family
Sunday, July 12, 2009
July 12th, 2009
Today has been a year since my mom passed. So much has happened this past year and I am sitting here having a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Two of my most favorite people I have met in my life are gone. Gone.
I mean, how did this all happen? Why? What the heck are my life lessons? Life is extremely complicated and there is no way to figure it out.
I have been told that the pain will lesson with time, but I have to be honest that is really not happening yet. Not with either of the one's I have lost. I was extremely connected in a strong way to both of them. In a way I feel very lucky to have had such deep love with them, but it also makes their loss harder because it leaves such a huge void in my everyday life. My mom and Faith were part of my EVERYDAY life.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them. With Faith....I don't think even a minute goes by. I have her ashes in a necklace and I HAVE to wear it or I freak out. That is my way of having her as close to me as I can get her and it gives me comfort.
Monty has gone back to work, but I am home with the kids. I think Monty being out of the house, is coping pretty well. He has something to do everyday and is not in this house all day long with memories around him everywhere. It is not so easy for me trying to be here, trying to keep a "game" face on for the kids at home and give them all the attention they deserve when sometimes I don't even want to face the day. Morning comes and I don't really want to get up because I don't have Faith and I don't have my best friend, my mom, to call and cry to. The solace in that is that hopefully they are taking care of each other which is more important that my feelings.
But, my life has changed so dramatically and I am very lost. I don't know where to go from here. I am trying to pour my attention into everyone at home, but school starts in the middle of August...and then what? I can't stay home all day long without Faith. So, those are personal things that I will have to figure out on my own. Maybe those initial days of quiet I can find some time to really reflect on that. Reflect on what I see myself doing from this point on. I know it has to have something that has meaning. That helps a person/s in some way. I have the paperwork to be a volunteer at UCD, which I would LOVE to do, but I don't know when I will be ready to walk in there again. So many memories, but I would love to and someday I will have to try to go in and try to face the emotion and fear. Hospital life, especially at UCD, has been my life for 5 years and strangely I miss it. So, volunteering there and spending time with the great staff and children there would (I think) renew my spirit when I feel up to it. That may be my way to give back to Faith and I am pretty sure my mom would be proud of me as well.
So, today is just a hard one because of that year mark and reflecting on a lot of things. I miss my mom. I miss Faith. I hope they are at peace and that eventually I can find some of that peace, too, and bring back some of my happiness they took a little bit of when they left. Special girls they are. Both probably taking over up there in Heaven with their ultra amazing personalities! Both of those girls had such a love for life, music, people, dance..........Heaven is certainly a brighter place.
Shelly
- Love you Mamacita. Miss you very, very much. And, Faithy, oh...man...you know mommy loves you and misses you all the time. Take care my special ones and save me a place right next to you BOTH!
I mean, how did this all happen? Why? What the heck are my life lessons? Life is extremely complicated and there is no way to figure it out.
I have been told that the pain will lesson with time, but I have to be honest that is really not happening yet. Not with either of the one's I have lost. I was extremely connected in a strong way to both of them. In a way I feel very lucky to have had such deep love with them, but it also makes their loss harder because it leaves such a huge void in my everyday life. My mom and Faith were part of my EVERYDAY life.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them. With Faith....I don't think even a minute goes by. I have her ashes in a necklace and I HAVE to wear it or I freak out. That is my way of having her as close to me as I can get her and it gives me comfort.
Monty has gone back to work, but I am home with the kids. I think Monty being out of the house, is coping pretty well. He has something to do everyday and is not in this house all day long with memories around him everywhere. It is not so easy for me trying to be here, trying to keep a "game" face on for the kids at home and give them all the attention they deserve when sometimes I don't even want to face the day. Morning comes and I don't really want to get up because I don't have Faith and I don't have my best friend, my mom, to call and cry to. The solace in that is that hopefully they are taking care of each other which is more important that my feelings.
But, my life has changed so dramatically and I am very lost. I don't know where to go from here. I am trying to pour my attention into everyone at home, but school starts in the middle of August...and then what? I can't stay home all day long without Faith. So, those are personal things that I will have to figure out on my own. Maybe those initial days of quiet I can find some time to really reflect on that. Reflect on what I see myself doing from this point on. I know it has to have something that has meaning. That helps a person/s in some way. I have the paperwork to be a volunteer at UCD, which I would LOVE to do, but I don't know when I will be ready to walk in there again. So many memories, but I would love to and someday I will have to try to go in and try to face the emotion and fear. Hospital life, especially at UCD, has been my life for 5 years and strangely I miss it. So, volunteering there and spending time with the great staff and children there would (I think) renew my spirit when I feel up to it. That may be my way to give back to Faith and I am pretty sure my mom would be proud of me as well.
So, today is just a hard one because of that year mark and reflecting on a lot of things. I miss my mom. I miss Faith. I hope they are at peace and that eventually I can find some of that peace, too, and bring back some of my happiness they took a little bit of when they left. Special girls they are. Both probably taking over up there in Heaven with their ultra amazing personalities! Both of those girls had such a love for life, music, people, dance..........Heaven is certainly a brighter place.
Shelly
- Love you Mamacita. Miss you very, very much. And, Faithy, oh...man...you know mommy loves you and misses you all the time. Take care my special ones and save me a place right next to you BOTH!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
July 5, 2009
It has been a week...a week since her service. I honestly am having a hard time coming up with the right words to describe this week. The main thing is that the service made things FINAL. I was very busy prior to it...had lots to do, put together, arrange, etc. That is the way I work and like to be very busy.
But, now, the service is over and it is really hitting home that this is REALITY. There is no more Faith that is going to wake me up in the morning, no one going to ask me the same question over and over again 100 times in a 5 minute period, no one to crawl all over her brothers head, no one to sing to at night. It is and all encompasing grief. I wish I could say for other parents that it gets better, but at the moment I cannot. I absolutely cannot because for me...because I am not as busy...and things are really over....it is a million times worse.
And, if feels like she is so easily forgotten already by so many and that is very difficult. It is easy to understand because they have lives and have children to tend to, but it feels as if I walk in a bit of a fog and don't seem to relate to many right now.
I tried going out with friends to a few bars the other night. This is something I haven't done while Faith was here because of concern and having a knowledgeable person watch her. I will say, I laughed and thought it was fun. However, when I got home...all I could think is that ---is that was I was missing? If so, you can have it and I would MUCH rather be stuck at home with my "challenging" kids over most other things.
It is also weird to even have that freedom. That is a new concept. Not to be so afraid of how much public interaction you expose your sick child to, what you are bringing home, who is going to take care of them if your not there, what if there is an emergency. The list goes on an on. It is such a void I feel that I am not sure will ever go away.
Some people have told me to take on another kid. I almost had a heart attack because I need to grieve for Faith. That is first and foremost for myself and my other children right now. I will never say never, but I don't see myself being able to do that for a very long time. I am afraid of the heart break and there is no "replacing" Faith. She was one of a kind and all I want to concentrate on is trying to get better.
I start counseling tomorrow and my younger ones get to start grief group. My older ones just finished the group because of grieving for their grandmother. But, the older kids seem to understand this much better where the little ones could use the help. Thank heavens there are these programs out there!
Anyway, that is our first week. A lot of emptiness. But, with that emptiness the other kids are getting more quality attention. So, there are goods and bads, as always.
We are still holding out heads up and are now able to make it out in public. Nights are torture,but hopefully I can learn some self help skills with my counseling for that.
Goodnight to all. I am grateful to those of you that still check in even though Faith has left. This experience has really shown me the good people in my life verses the not so good ones. Valuable lesson!
I will check back in a week and hopefully be able to report that I am doing a little better. Maybe i will even get a dream by then like Monty did...the lucky guy!!!!
Take care.
Shelly
But, now, the service is over and it is really hitting home that this is REALITY. There is no more Faith that is going to wake me up in the morning, no one going to ask me the same question over and over again 100 times in a 5 minute period, no one to crawl all over her brothers head, no one to sing to at night. It is and all encompasing grief. I wish I could say for other parents that it gets better, but at the moment I cannot. I absolutely cannot because for me...because I am not as busy...and things are really over....it is a million times worse.
And, if feels like she is so easily forgotten already by so many and that is very difficult. It is easy to understand because they have lives and have children to tend to, but it feels as if I walk in a bit of a fog and don't seem to relate to many right now.
I tried going out with friends to a few bars the other night. This is something I haven't done while Faith was here because of concern and having a knowledgeable person watch her. I will say, I laughed and thought it was fun. However, when I got home...all I could think is that ---is that was I was missing? If so, you can have it and I would MUCH rather be stuck at home with my "challenging" kids over most other things.
It is also weird to even have that freedom. That is a new concept. Not to be so afraid of how much public interaction you expose your sick child to, what you are bringing home, who is going to take care of them if your not there, what if there is an emergency. The list goes on an on. It is such a void I feel that I am not sure will ever go away.
Some people have told me to take on another kid. I almost had a heart attack because I need to grieve for Faith. That is first and foremost for myself and my other children right now. I will never say never, but I don't see myself being able to do that for a very long time. I am afraid of the heart break and there is no "replacing" Faith. She was one of a kind and all I want to concentrate on is trying to get better.
I start counseling tomorrow and my younger ones get to start grief group. My older ones just finished the group because of grieving for their grandmother. But, the older kids seem to understand this much better where the little ones could use the help. Thank heavens there are these programs out there!
Anyway, that is our first week. A lot of emptiness. But, with that emptiness the other kids are getting more quality attention. So, there are goods and bads, as always.
We are still holding out heads up and are now able to make it out in public. Nights are torture,but hopefully I can learn some self help skills with my counseling for that.
Goodnight to all. I am grateful to those of you that still check in even though Faith has left. This experience has really shown me the good people in my life verses the not so good ones. Valuable lesson!
I will check back in a week and hopefully be able to report that I am doing a little better. Maybe i will even get a dream by then like Monty did...the lucky guy!!!!
Take care.
Shelly
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Faith's service
Faith's celebration of life met all my expectations. Jeff and Laurie Jennings, the Pastor and his wife, did a beautiful job of conducting the service and helping us make everything go smoothly. I am so grateful! They are special people and I hope to continue a friendship with them from this day on. Thank you for helping to make such a sad day, more about the love, friendship, strength and love....how we all make a difference no matter how long or short we are here on earth....it was exactly what I wanted to get across. It was no accident our paths crossed.
Other people I want to give special thanks to are:
Jeff and Laurie Jennings: As mentioned above, thanks for helping meet all my expectations for celebrating the life of my unique and unforgettable daughter.
Jeff and Nancy Baggett: They made the DVD, helped set up and just offered general support. Nancy is my best friend and I couldn't ask for a better one.
Mike and Desiree: Thank you for the beautiful tribute posters of Faith. I will cherish them forever! And, thank you for introducing us to Jeff and Laurie. What a blessing. We have a special connection with you two that I hope to continue.
Miranda: You have an amazing voice and I am so appreciative of you singing "Borrowed Angels"
Trina: Thank you for speaking, your support and the awesome brownies!!!!! Your support and knowledge and comforting ways make you someone I will love forever.
Lindsay: Your speech was lovely, you knew Faith so well and I am grateful you were in her life.
My aunt: Thank you for helping me get the house ready and dealing with my stress. Also, for making us laugh so hard after the funeral that it took my mind completely off the sadness. You are my "weirdo" and I Love you.
Gemma: Thank you, thank you for adding my special yellow butterfly. My mural now represents my two beautiful angels....one a black butterfly, the other yellow.
Linda Gordon: Thank you for helping with the yard and for loving Faith and coming back into our lives.
Pam: Thank you for taking care of Karen so I could concentrate on Faith's celebration. Thank you, also, for being so wonderful to Faith....reading her stories, singing with her, picking flowers, etc...she loved you dearly. We are lucky to have you.
Andrea: Thank you for doing the raffle, starting the meals while we were in the hospital and for your general support and kindness. You are very special.
Turning Leaf Photography: The bookmarks were beautiful as were all our family pictures. Please use Michele, the owner, for your photography needs!!!
Kim F., Stephanie, Tom and Linda, Melissa, Glenda and many others....thank you for bringing food to help us out. There was plenty and it was all yummy.
To EVERYONE that came, I am SO grateful for your presense and support!!!!!!!! Thank you to everyone that brought food, cards, made donations and especially spoke on Faith's behalf. I know it was a long trip for many of you and I am very grateful you still made it. Everyone there I think fondly of and it warms my heart that you were there to honor my special angel. I really think Faith would have loved the day.
Celia, Barb, Dr. Vlautin - thank you for taking the time out of your busy lives to pay tribute to Faith. I can't even express how much it means that you guys were here.
Celia, I have known you from the beginning of Faith's life and you have been there for us in so many ways. All the UCD staff knows how great you are, but it never hurts to hear it again. You have definitely found your calling in life and are such a great support for the heart families. I will never forget you and will miss seeing you.
Barb, you are now right there with Celia. I knew you in the PICU when you cared for Faith and now you are doing a fantastic job with the heart families as well. You were a huge support for us those two months while we were in the ICU and I thank you.
Dr. Vlautin...what can I say? You worked tirelessly on Faith and you never gave up on her in those first few weeks. We were not ready to lose Faith and you gave us two more months with her. Two more months we desperately needed to allow us to eventually let go. You, too, are one of those special people that have found their calling in life. You were a true blessing to us. Thank you. (and for you to show up at her service....it just means more than I can express)
Kathy, thank you for your lovely prescence and for giving Faith joy with your special voice everytime she was in the hospital. You are a unique individual and our family will always remember you and how much Faith enjoyed music time with you.
I want to thank other medical professionals that were not there:
Dr. Loomis and Sutter Pediatrics. They were always accomodating to us and Faith loved going to their office. Dr. Loomis was not only Faith's primary care doctor, but is a warm hearted man and felt like a friend.
Dr. Choy and the entire cardiac specialty staff. Dr. Choy, you know how special you are to me, and just like with Dr. Vlautin, you were a critical part of why we got to enjoy Faith longer than originally expected. I think extremely highly of you and will miss seeing you.
Dr. Raff . What can I say, except you are just an amazing doctor. You have energy like no one I have ever seen, are smarter than anyone else I know and you are just incredible. I always appreciated your honesty and I thank you for doing such a great job on her heart that she was able to keep going a little longer for us. UCD is fortunate to have you.
Linda Tennyson. You tried so hard to deal with all of Faith's issues as challenging as they were. Thank you for being so great to us, always returning phone calls and for coming to say hello while we were there. It meant a lot.
Pediatric GI Surgery Team. I know that you didn't really want to "explore" on Faith. But, I appreciate the fact that you did and appreciate the hard work you put into trying to keep Faith here.
Nurses and Staff on the Pediatric floor . The Pediatric floor has a whole different energy and there are a lot of special fun nurses, child life specialists, MUSIC THERAPIST, etc. Faith always enjoyed her time with you!!!
ALL PICU doctors and nurses. You are all amazing and work so hard! You helped us through a very difficult time and did it with compassion, respect and love. The PICU team is a group of dedicated professionals that do an extremely tough job. However, they have the best of the best!
So, now, for me...so I can remember what my tribute was to my special little Faithy...I am going to write the speech I said. Ten years from now I would like to remember. (A funeral is like a wedding. You hardly remember what happened, what was said, and you wish at the end you had more time to speak to certain people. I guess when something is so emotional and overwhelming that is bound to happen.)
So here is my Tribute to my Faith:
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense:
Why was a child given to another couple when this woman already had two other children? Why would she not want to keep her third? Well, maybe it was to allow this child (me) to have a positive adoptive experience to allow me to want to do the same for another...
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense:
Why did I decide to work at a care home for medically fragile children when I thought my calling was to be a teacher? Maybe to meet a child that needed a permanent home that I would fall in love with (Andrew) and lead me to a place where I would become a foster parent and allow other children to enter my home...
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense:
Why did Placer County keep calling us to take Faith when we were not looking to adopt another child? Why was my husband so open to taking this child when she had so many complications and he was set against having anymore permanent children?
Because this child was meant to be ours...
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense:
Why did God give me this child that not only had so many medical challenges but for almost 2 years did nothing but cry. I rarely slept, I lost 20 pounds, and was always at the hospital or doctors office.
I will admit, I am not the most patient of people. I have Portuguese in me. But, for some reason with Faith, I had all the patience in the world...
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense:
Whey did this child who was unhappy most of the time all of a sudden become the child that loved medical appointments? I mean, at one point, she was the child no one wanted to get close to -they stayed back and gave Faith her "Faith bubble" of space. But, it was like a flip was switched one day and she all of a sudden wanted to go to the hospital. She loved to go see Dr. Loomis and Dr. Choy! She couldn't wait to get in the car and would bug me until it was time to go.
I think it was a lesson for us at how you can turn a negative into a positive. She showed us how it is all in your attitude...
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense:
Why did my mom get lung cancer and leave us so quickly eventhough she didn't want to go? Why was her death so tragic?
I think it was #1 for her to get used to her place in Heaven to be ready to receive Faith and #2 it was for me to understand how important it is to have a peaceful death...
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense:
Why did Faith's heart surgery go so well, but everything else went so wrong?
This is something I don't have the answer to. I do know that events leading up to our final moments with Faith prepared us to allow Faith to have the peaceful death that Faith deserved. *(a special thank you to Cathy for that too :)- love to you)*
I am hoping, in time, that all this will too....make sense.
In the meantime, our family will forever cherish the happy moments Faith gave us. The unconditional love, strength and courage she showed. We are forever changed by Faith.
So, sometimes....no....life doesn't make any sense. But, all of a sudden, at some point, it might. Probably when you least expect it. That is what started the slogan of the two months Faith was fighting for her life of: "Keep Faith". Because you never know why some things happen or why you are given the challenges you are faced with. You just have to keep faith it will make sense one day.
But, for now, our family is putting one foot in front of the other and trying to learn to live without our precious Faith. However, we are a stronger family because of her and we will forever grateful for our "Borrowed Angel".
Shelly Duarte
And, now, this blog, will turn into about how the Duarte family continues to move on. It will focus on the other children that deserve just as much recognition. I have loved "meeting" you all through this incredible blogging world and hope to continue hearing from you. Still continue to "Keep Faith" through all of life's journeys and thank you for following and caring about our family.
Other people I want to give special thanks to are:
Jeff and Laurie Jennings: As mentioned above, thanks for helping meet all my expectations for celebrating the life of my unique and unforgettable daughter.
Jeff and Nancy Baggett: They made the DVD, helped set up and just offered general support. Nancy is my best friend and I couldn't ask for a better one.
Mike and Desiree: Thank you for the beautiful tribute posters of Faith. I will cherish them forever! And, thank you for introducing us to Jeff and Laurie. What a blessing. We have a special connection with you two that I hope to continue.
Miranda: You have an amazing voice and I am so appreciative of you singing "Borrowed Angels"
Trina: Thank you for speaking, your support and the awesome brownies!!!!! Your support and knowledge and comforting ways make you someone I will love forever.
Lindsay: Your speech was lovely, you knew Faith so well and I am grateful you were in her life.
My aunt: Thank you for helping me get the house ready and dealing with my stress. Also, for making us laugh so hard after the funeral that it took my mind completely off the sadness. You are my "weirdo" and I Love you.
Gemma: Thank you, thank you for adding my special yellow butterfly. My mural now represents my two beautiful angels....one a black butterfly, the other yellow.
Linda Gordon: Thank you for helping with the yard and for loving Faith and coming back into our lives.
Pam: Thank you for taking care of Karen so I could concentrate on Faith's celebration. Thank you, also, for being so wonderful to Faith....reading her stories, singing with her, picking flowers, etc...she loved you dearly. We are lucky to have you.
Andrea: Thank you for doing the raffle, starting the meals while we were in the hospital and for your general support and kindness. You are very special.
Turning Leaf Photography: The bookmarks were beautiful as were all our family pictures. Please use Michele, the owner, for your photography needs!!!
Kim F., Stephanie, Tom and Linda, Melissa, Glenda and many others....thank you for bringing food to help us out. There was plenty and it was all yummy.
To EVERYONE that came, I am SO grateful for your presense and support!!!!!!!! Thank you to everyone that brought food, cards, made donations and especially spoke on Faith's behalf. I know it was a long trip for many of you and I am very grateful you still made it. Everyone there I think fondly of and it warms my heart that you were there to honor my special angel. I really think Faith would have loved the day.
Celia, Barb, Dr. Vlautin - thank you for taking the time out of your busy lives to pay tribute to Faith. I can't even express how much it means that you guys were here.
Celia, I have known you from the beginning of Faith's life and you have been there for us in so many ways. All the UCD staff knows how great you are, but it never hurts to hear it again. You have definitely found your calling in life and are such a great support for the heart families. I will never forget you and will miss seeing you.
Barb, you are now right there with Celia. I knew you in the PICU when you cared for Faith and now you are doing a fantastic job with the heart families as well. You were a huge support for us those two months while we were in the ICU and I thank you.
Dr. Vlautin...what can I say? You worked tirelessly on Faith and you never gave up on her in those first few weeks. We were not ready to lose Faith and you gave us two more months with her. Two more months we desperately needed to allow us to eventually let go. You, too, are one of those special people that have found their calling in life. You were a true blessing to us. Thank you. (and for you to show up at her service....it just means more than I can express)
Kathy, thank you for your lovely prescence and for giving Faith joy with your special voice everytime she was in the hospital. You are a unique individual and our family will always remember you and how much Faith enjoyed music time with you.
I want to thank other medical professionals that were not there:
Dr. Loomis and Sutter Pediatrics. They were always accomodating to us and Faith loved going to their office. Dr. Loomis was not only Faith's primary care doctor, but is a warm hearted man and felt like a friend.
Dr. Choy and the entire cardiac specialty staff. Dr. Choy, you know how special you are to me, and just like with Dr. Vlautin, you were a critical part of why we got to enjoy Faith longer than originally expected. I think extremely highly of you and will miss seeing you.
Dr. Raff . What can I say, except you are just an amazing doctor. You have energy like no one I have ever seen, are smarter than anyone else I know and you are just incredible. I always appreciated your honesty and I thank you for doing such a great job on her heart that she was able to keep going a little longer for us. UCD is fortunate to have you.
Linda Tennyson. You tried so hard to deal with all of Faith's issues as challenging as they were. Thank you for being so great to us, always returning phone calls and for coming to say hello while we were there. It meant a lot.
Pediatric GI Surgery Team. I know that you didn't really want to "explore" on Faith. But, I appreciate the fact that you did and appreciate the hard work you put into trying to keep Faith here.
Nurses and Staff on the Pediatric floor . The Pediatric floor has a whole different energy and there are a lot of special fun nurses, child life specialists, MUSIC THERAPIST, etc. Faith always enjoyed her time with you!!!
ALL PICU doctors and nurses. You are all amazing and work so hard! You helped us through a very difficult time and did it with compassion, respect and love. The PICU team is a group of dedicated professionals that do an extremely tough job. However, they have the best of the best!
So, now, for me...so I can remember what my tribute was to my special little Faithy...I am going to write the speech I said. Ten years from now I would like to remember. (A funeral is like a wedding. You hardly remember what happened, what was said, and you wish at the end you had more time to speak to certain people. I guess when something is so emotional and overwhelming that is bound to happen.)
So here is my Tribute to my Faith:
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense:
Why was a child given to another couple when this woman already had two other children? Why would she not want to keep her third? Well, maybe it was to allow this child (me) to have a positive adoptive experience to allow me to want to do the same for another...
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense:
Why did I decide to work at a care home for medically fragile children when I thought my calling was to be a teacher? Maybe to meet a child that needed a permanent home that I would fall in love with (Andrew) and lead me to a place where I would become a foster parent and allow other children to enter my home...
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense:
Why did Placer County keep calling us to take Faith when we were not looking to adopt another child? Why was my husband so open to taking this child when she had so many complications and he was set against having anymore permanent children?
Because this child was meant to be ours...
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense:
Why did God give me this child that not only had so many medical challenges but for almost 2 years did nothing but cry. I rarely slept, I lost 20 pounds, and was always at the hospital or doctors office.
I will admit, I am not the most patient of people. I have Portuguese in me. But, for some reason with Faith, I had all the patience in the world...
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense:
Whey did this child who was unhappy most of the time all of a sudden become the child that loved medical appointments? I mean, at one point, she was the child no one wanted to get close to -they stayed back and gave Faith her "Faith bubble" of space. But, it was like a flip was switched one day and she all of a sudden wanted to go to the hospital. She loved to go see Dr. Loomis and Dr. Choy! She couldn't wait to get in the car and would bug me until it was time to go.
I think it was a lesson for us at how you can turn a negative into a positive. She showed us how it is all in your attitude...
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense:
Why did my mom get lung cancer and leave us so quickly eventhough she didn't want to go? Why was her death so tragic?
I think it was #1 for her to get used to her place in Heaven to be ready to receive Faith and #2 it was for me to understand how important it is to have a peaceful death...
Sometimes life doesn't make any sense:
Why did Faith's heart surgery go so well, but everything else went so wrong?
This is something I don't have the answer to. I do know that events leading up to our final moments with Faith prepared us to allow Faith to have the peaceful death that Faith deserved. *(a special thank you to Cathy for that too :)- love to you)*
I am hoping, in time, that all this will too....make sense.
In the meantime, our family will forever cherish the happy moments Faith gave us. The unconditional love, strength and courage she showed. We are forever changed by Faith.
So, sometimes....no....life doesn't make any sense. But, all of a sudden, at some point, it might. Probably when you least expect it. That is what started the slogan of the two months Faith was fighting for her life of: "Keep Faith". Because you never know why some things happen or why you are given the challenges you are faced with. You just have to keep faith it will make sense one day.
But, for now, our family is putting one foot in front of the other and trying to learn to live without our precious Faith. However, we are a stronger family because of her and we will forever grateful for our "Borrowed Angel".
Shelly Duarte
And, now, this blog, will turn into about how the Duarte family continues to move on. It will focus on the other children that deserve just as much recognition. I have loved "meeting" you all through this incredible blogging world and hope to continue hearing from you. Still continue to "Keep Faith" through all of life's journeys and thank you for following and caring about our family.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Almost here
I cannot believe Faith's service is almost here. I can't believe I have gone this many weeks without my baby. The emotions you go through are indescribable. The only way I can somewhat describe it is.....that I feel like I am living in someone else's body right now. I am going through the motions because I know I have to. My days I fill with talking to my kids, watching a movie with them, going on a walk, cleaning and planting outside. Nights are HORRIBLE. That is the time when I am all alone with my emotions and they flood me. I ended up going to the doctor to get some help. It is strange, but I actually sleep until 8 or 9 am. Something I have never done before (unfortunally induced by medication because I wasn't sleeping AT ALL prior to getting my "help"). Sounds like it would be nice to sleep in that late right? But, #1 it is due to medication, which I hate to admit I needed and #2 I would so much rather be woken up at 6am to Faith yelling "mommy...mommy...I up". My house has a completely different vibe to it without that little personality filling up the room with her energy. That is the main thing I am going to have to get used to. I can see why some people want to move after a child's death because there are so many memories everywhere you turn. But, that is not what I want to do. I love those memories as painful as they can be at times.
Father's Day was hard for Monty, although he never said a word. He has kept himself very busy fixing things around the house. We added a slider door, so he has had that project to help him out. However, he got the best present he could have ever had: Faith visited him in his dream. Faith was walking in it! For those of you that didn't know Faith, Faith couldn't walk. She scooted around on her butt. So she came walking up to him and put her hand in his and asked if they could drive a yellow school bus. Faith loved going to school on her yellow bus! So they got in the bus and he let her drive. They drove all around and Faith backed the school bus into a ditch, but they were able to get it out. Then, they drove the bus to our house. Apparently when Faith got here, she immediately resorted back to scooting. She scooted from our front door into our living room and then he couldn't find her anymore. But he got to be with her for Father's day, even if only in a dream. What a gift.....the best one anyone could ask for!!!!!!!
Hope everyone else had a nice weekend. I will have a lot to keep me busy this week, which is a good thing. I need that! I will see a lot of you in just a few short days. Aaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! Hope I get it all done!!!
Shelly
Father's Day was hard for Monty, although he never said a word. He has kept himself very busy fixing things around the house. We added a slider door, so he has had that project to help him out. However, he got the best present he could have ever had: Faith visited him in his dream. Faith was walking in it! For those of you that didn't know Faith, Faith couldn't walk. She scooted around on her butt. So she came walking up to him and put her hand in his and asked if they could drive a yellow school bus. Faith loved going to school on her yellow bus! So they got in the bus and he let her drive. They drove all around and Faith backed the school bus into a ditch, but they were able to get it out. Then, they drove the bus to our house. Apparently when Faith got here, she immediately resorted back to scooting. She scooted from our front door into our living room and then he couldn't find her anymore. But he got to be with her for Father's day, even if only in a dream. What a gift.....the best one anyone could ask for!!!!!!!
Hope everyone else had a nice weekend. I will have a lot to keep me busy this week, which is a good thing. I need that! I will see a lot of you in just a few short days. Aaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! Hope I get it all done!!!
Shelly
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Date and Time confirmed.
Services are confirmed for June 27th, 2009 at 11:00am. See right hand side for directions.
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