Missing you

Missing you Faith.......missing you so very much. The brightness of the Holiday season just can't compare to the light you had within.

December, 2010

Its been a long time! We have been so busy! However, it has been worth it. Football and cheer season went great! Andrew and Dominic's football teams both went to the Championships! Andrew's team won and are the Champions! Monty did an amazing job at running the snackbar and I really enjoyed this season as Cheer Coordinator.

But, no worries on not being busy...lol. Jessica is on a competition cheer squad now with her gymnastics center. She was asked to fill in for one of the girls and they wanted her to stay on! She has practice 3 days a week and usually one to two competitions a month. Lacey is on their special needs cheerleading squad so her team has performances as well! Andrew starts basketball next week and Dominic will start LaCrosse at the beginning of next year.

Melina is now 8 months old and is such a happy little girl. She receives therapy once a week through Infant Program. Developmentally she is at about 4 1/2 to 5 months old, so not too bad! Adoption should be complete in Jan or Feb.

I am still not that into the Holidays as it is hard without two key people in our lives, but I am trying to get myself in the mood. My cousin Nicole will be here with her daughter, Taylor, who is 21 months. So, with Taylor and Melina it should be fun and I keep trying to remind myself of that. It is always enjoyable to see the magic of the holidays through a child's eyes.

Monty and I recently went to UC Davis Children's hospital and were part of a panel speaking on grief and loss. At first, I didn't want to go. I was a mess initially and was not able to speak when it was my turn. Luckily, another mother spoke in my place and they were able to come back to me. By that time, I was able to pull it together and speak about our experience. I must say, it was one of the best things I have done. I came out of it feeling useful.....being able to use our experience for something good and productive. It also felt really good to share Faith will people who wanted to hear about her. I expected to come out of there feeling sad and exhausted. Instead, I came out on a natural high.....loving that I got to remember Faith and use that memory for a greater good. They asked if we would do it again and I hope they ask!

I am part of a network of parents that have angel children. It is a good place to share your feelings with people that understand. I have recently been told how much I have changed and have been reflecting on that. I guess I have and I guess it is to be expected. I am not really sure what I can do about it either. I think differently now. I don't like conflict. I am stronger in some ways, but so much weaker in others. I feel like people forget that I have been through life's worst pain. I know this is partly my fault because I don't show it. I don't like to be a burden on others and I definitely don't expect anyone to understand. I don't WANT them to understand because that would mean they would have to go through the worst of the worst....losing a child. So, this network has become a valuable part of my life to express and vent without judgment.

Anyway, through this Angel network, I came across this poem. It is a great one. So true and maybe gives a little insight and understanding. I thought I would share it.

My Mom's a Liar

Ask My Mom How She Is...

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?

Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom,
just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,
Mom, With all the lies you told!

Summer

The craziness has begun! Football and Cheerleading season started this week. We are down on the field everyday from 4pm until 8pm. Andrew is on the Pee Wee football team and Dominic and Jessica are both Midgets this year. It will make the rest of the summer fly by! I am the Cheer Coordinator and Monty is in charge of the snack bar. With 7 children at the moment, including a baby, you can imagine how busy things will be! But, it is a good busy because we all enjoy it and have good friends involved in the program. Besides, it is always worth it for the kids!!!

Greg is still in Texas and apparently enjoying it. He has been working construction but is trying to finish up completing all his licensing this week to look for an EMT job. We miss him like crazy but are glad he is happy.

The baby is now 4 months old. She has good head control and is beginning to smile. I think she will be pretty high functioning since she is not too far behind developmentally so far. She is a beautiful, chubby baby that is VERY loved around here! She has a second mommy in Jessica, which is also nice for me! :) Things are looking positive for an adoption around November so we are trying to get all our paperwork in order. We can't wait to finalize!

Lacey turned 10 last week and Andrew turns 9 tomorrow. Jessica will be 12 next month. So, the ages at home are: 17, 13, 12, two 10 year olds, 9 and a 4 month old. (Greg is 19). It may sound like a lot, but they are really good, independant kids. I am a lucky mom!

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer!

"I don't know how you do it"

I can't sleep because my mind is circling with the thought of how many times I have heard...."I don't know how you do it". I will be honest, I don't know how I do it either. I think that is why I am awake too early this morning trying to figure it out. I don't like the idea that people think I possibly didn't love my daughter as much as they love their kids which couldn't be farther from the truth!!! But, that is what comments like those make you feel like (and I know that is not the intent of them).

In fact, for those of you that know me and knew Faith and I together, we were obsessed with each other! Seriously. There are people in this life that I believe are destined to be together. Some people use the term soul mate. I have to agree with that term, although most people use it to describe their partner in life. I do not believe it has to be your partner. I believe it can be anyone: a parent, a friend, your partner, a child...

I am convinced Faith and I were meant to be together. She was absolutely a soul mate of mine: a person with whom you have an extremely deep connection that was put in your life for a reason. Our connection was the strongest I have ever felt in my life. I guess, in a way, that gives me comfort because it gives me a belief there is a higher power. It gives me the belief that there is something beyond what is here on Earth. It gives me the belief that things do happen for a reason and we have to have Faith in that eventhough it doesn't always make sense.

I have never been one to play the victim role. I think there is always someone out there that has it harder than I do. I do not feel like anything productive can come out of dwelling on the bad things that have happened to us and reliving it over and over. I will be honest that I did that for awhile. Then my counselor asked me if I like being in a painful moment over and over. Of course not! She then walked me through the fact that going back in those painful moments only hurts and does not change anything. If I could have changed something, I would have. If I could have changed places with Faith, I would have done it in a heartbeat. No questions asked. Any parent would. But, obviously I was not given that choice and here I am...

Life is all about choices. I choose to try to primarily think of the happy times with Faith and my mom. I choose to feel extremely lucky and grateful for the time I had... instead of dwelling on the time I don't have. I am choosing to continue to live because, really, what other choice do I have? I choose to try to give my other children a good life and be PRESENT for them. If I continued to allow myself to be "victim" of all the bad things that happened to me, not only would it hurt me, it would hurt them. They don't deserve that.

I will admit it is a struggle everyday, every hour. I have to do a lot of mental work and sometimes it is exhausting. But, I do it because I want Faith to be proud of me. I want Faith to know that I am living my life with love and courage in her honor because that is how she lived. I know she would want me to be good to myself, her father and to her brothers and sisters. I want to hopefully help someone else through my experience. I want to do the best I can so that when I do see her again, she will say "you did good mommy".

:(

Somedays are just SO hard.......

Summer

Finally the weather seems to have given us the sunshine we have been waiting for! Summer has arrived and most of my kids are out of school or will be by the end of this week. I am ready for sleeping in a bit and enjoying our pool with family and friends.

Speaking of schools, I have finally made my mind up about what school my kids will go to next year. I am relieved to have made a choice because I have been struggling with this decision for a long time. So, now, all of my kids will go to the Charter school near us and they are very excited. Dominic and Jessica have already been going and love it. Hopefully, Lacey and Andrew will too!

My new little one is doing GREAT. She is such a joy and is a really good baby. She has been sleeping through the night for about a month now and is starting to smile and coo. She is 2 1/2 months old. The other kids adore her and since they are older, are a big help to me. She is definitely going to be one spoiled little girl! :)

My oldest, Greg, moved to Texas. His best friend (since 2nd grade) lives there and he decided to join him. He can complete more schooling in Texas for a lot less than in California. I miss him and it is strange to think he is so far away. However, while he is young and does not have the responsibility of a wife or kids he might as well have new experiences. He just better come back once he gets that wife and kids!!!! lol.

Football/cheer season is approaching and we are starting to get busy with that. I am the cheer coordinator and have been pouring through catalogs trying to pick our uniforms for this year. That is the best part of the job! Monty will be running the snack bar at our home games, so very soon our Saturdays will be extremely busy. I need to buy a baby carrier so I can do my job with baby in tow! Wish me luck.

Enjoy the sunshine.

Shelly

Wings

I have officially survived all my firsts since Faith passed away. Yesterday, June 1st, was the day Faith earned her wings. Needless to say, it was an emotional day. It was challenging trying to keep my mind from putting myself back in that horrible moment one year ago. I only want to remember the happy times with her, the laughter, the kisses, the music, the love......

Mothers Day, 2010

I have wonderful children! I am extremely grateful for the children that I have and how special they make me feel. They allowed me to sleep in and continued to ask me throughout the day if I needed anything. They are such loving, selfless human beings who truly want people to be happy without anything in return. That is a quality that is hard to come by now-a-days. I love them so much!!

However, this was my first without Faith. No mother to spoil and no Faith to help brighten my day. A strange mix of happiness for the ones I have and sadness for the ones I have lost. It is hard to fully articulate the emotions of the day. But, I did my best to keep them inside and keep smiling for the rest of my family.

It is almost a year and I will have overcome all my firsts.

Miss you still.........always

Even though I have this new, amazing addition to our family.....I still miss Faith just as strongly(maybe even more so, if that is actually possible). Faith loved babies and I can hear her voice, filled with excitement, about our new one. She would have been such a sweet big sister. Even during her final days, when she would hear a baby cry in the hospital, her brow would crease in concern. I would have to whisper in her ear that the baby was ok and stroke her brow to calm her down. That was the beautiful spirit of my Faith. She had her own concerns, but still was able to feel beyond herself into the anguish of another.

We are almost to our year mark and I am flooded with memories. My main thing right now, though, is wishing I could hold her. Maybe it is getting to hold this new one that conjures up those thoughts. I am not sure. But, I still remember what it was like to hold her. I can still bring up those memories of how she felt and how she smelled and I sure hope that never goes away!

Dominic, Jessica and Andrew are at a children's grief camp this weekend. It is specifically for children that have experienced a significant loss. It sounds like they have a great program of mixing fun with sharing memories and I hope they enjoy it. I hope they will benefit from this experience.

Sending love your way my Faith. Mommy loves you.

Exciting News!

I am happy to report that we have a new addition to the Duarte Family! At this point, she is a foster placement, but we are hoping it will become an adoptive placement. So far, things are looking positive...but, of course, we have to be careful getting too excited (although obviously hard to do).

Due to the fact that she is a foster placement, unfortunately I cannot give out too much information at this time or post any photo's. I will tell you that she is beautiful and is 3 weeks old. She has some cardiac issues, just as Faith did, but luckily not as serious.

We feel extremely fortunate to have this child in our home and are falling more in love everyday. The events that led her to arrival with us are very "strange" and "coincidental" and I am positive some individuals from up above helped make it happen. :) I can't wait to have confidentiality lifted so I can share it all. Hopefully, we won't have to wait too long for that to happen.

"Keep Faith" things are meant to be for this amazing little girl to continue to stay with us.

The beginning

This week marks the date (March 30th) when our hell began one year ago.

Judgement

So tomorrow I have my licensing person coming out for inspection to reinstate my foster care license. I don't even understand why it was put on hold in the first place, but I have finally felt like opening back up and seeing what comes my way. I am very nervous about tomorrow because there is so much judgement involved. They come in and judge the way your home looks and have the right to judge you as a person when they don't really know you. Luckily, this is the person I have had for the past 10 years, but it is still frightening to think someone has your future in their hands.

I have met some resistance to my wanting to take children before a year from Faith's passing. It is strange to me to think that they truly think people will magically be "better"after a year..whatever "better" is. It will be nine months since Faith passed away next week and to be perfectly honest, some things are harder. Like I have said before, in ways it becomes a bit easier with time because you realize you have to accept that you will be living with this pain; but..yes, some things are harder to deal with! I feel her absence more now. I feel more lonely not having my special sidekick. Basically I FEEL what life is like without her instead of that nice sense of shock that carries you through initially.

I do understand the year in a way. You need time to let that shock wear off. You need time to know what you are actually feeling and you need time to learn to cope. However, grief is life long. It will never go away and it will be a continued process of dealing with the hole left in your heart. A continuing process of healing that will be with you until the day you die. But, in my opinion, it is up to the person and family to know when they feel ready or not to start "living" again. Everyone grieves differently. Differently or not, it doesn't change the fact that it is forever. We all learn to ACCEPT at different times and you can not tell someone when that will be. There is no right or wrong answer. No timeline will help guide you to that place. It could be a month, 6 months, 10 months, 10 years, 20 years, never. It is all an individual process. Period. No judgement should be allowed for a very personal experience. It goes back to the age old saying, "don't judge someone without walking in their shoes".

Some people have said maybe the year is to ensure you don't try to replace Faith. How is it humanly possible to replace someone???? It absolutely is not. I would NEVER try to replace her. Faith was one of a kind, as are we all. Faith was my soul mate (no I don't believe it has to be your husband :) ). Faith and I had this bond that I don't know if I will ever share with another in this lifetime. I am grateful for that experience. Grateful for the time I had with her and to have that unique connection. So there is no way I would ever try to "replace" her. It is not possible.

The way I see it, though, is that I am still here for some reason. I still have love to give and a home to share. My kids and my husband have been ready to share it for some time now. They have been waiting for me to be ready. I finally feel up to exploring the possibilities of that with someone who needs it. I will try to be careful and smart about who we accept into our lives. My priorities have changed. I used to be this person that had to be super busy ALL the time. I thrived on it. Through the loss of Faith, and being forced to slow down and I have learned the value of that. I no longer want to be that busy. I want to make sure I have adequate time to dedicate to everyone.

With that being said, I still have my A type personality that likes to have a lot to do, likes to be organized and likes a large family to run. The difference I have now, the things I have learned over the past 9 months, is not to be SO busy or SO overwhelmed that you miss the small things. You miss pillow talk with your daughter or throwing the ball with your son. That will hopefully carry over and help us in making a good match for our family.

I am not in a hurry. I want what is meant to be for us. I firmly believe that God will make that happen. If there is someone meant to be with us nothing will be able to get in the way of that. I also believe that my mom and Faith will be working their magic to make it work out as well. Hopefully showing me the signs that allow me to know the path I am to take. :)

So, we shall see. In the meantime wish us luck tomorrow. I will let you know how it goes.

Hawaii

We had a fabulous time in Hawaii!!!! We went whale watching, went on a submarine, attended a luau and, of course, spent lots of time swimming. The weather was a perfect temp. of 80....how do you beat that? We really did not want to come home!

It was hard holding it together on the plane ride home because home is reality and who wants that???? Home is a reminder of what isn't here and I didn't want to come back to that. However, as hard as it is...I know I can't deny reality and have to face it.

This week has been a big week for me. I have been shown that I have made progress even though it doesn't feel like it. Here is how:

A couple of months ago I was asked by a friend of mine if I would be interested in taking a two year old little girl that might go up for adoption. The child's circumstances made it so that she would need to move homes in Jan. or Feb, which was perfect for me because it would be after my trip to Hawaii. So, this friend of mine was going to call me once the social worker knew when they were going to move the child. Anyway, what ended up happening was this friend decided to take the little girl into her home instead. I know that sounds messed up to some.....it is what it is.....but the thing that I am happy to report is that I am actually sad that it didn't work out! I know it sounds crazy to say that you are happy to be sad, but it is major progress for me!!!

Up until this week, I didn't care about having any other children in my home. I had no interest. I had been asked about other children and I had no desire to take them in. I have been simply existing in this fog like world and have not felt like opening my heart or my home. The situation with me not getting this little girl...me being disappointed that it didn't work out...shows me that I am ready again. That is huge progress! I actually might be ready to open myself up again! I feel ready to give someone a good home and the love they deserve. I might not have realized that without this situation occuring.

I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. I guess I was not meant to be this girl's mommy and the right kiddo will be brought to me eventually. If I look back on the choices I made prior to getting Faith, it just solidifies that those choices happened for a reason. Those choices happened to allow me to take Faith into my home. It was absolutely meant to be. We were meant to be together. And even with this awful pain I live with, I would do it all over again. I am glad those choices occured so that I could have Faith. 100%.

So, now knowing I am ready to open my heart and home I will patiently wait for fate to do its work. I had forgotten how much I LOVE to give kids a home. I had forgotten how much I LOVE to take care of them. I am happy this love has returned to me. Progress!!!!! :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday Faithy! Look for our balloons. WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!