Judgement

So tomorrow I have my licensing person coming out for inspection to reinstate my foster care license. I don't even understand why it was put on hold in the first place, but I have finally felt like opening back up and seeing what comes my way. I am very nervous about tomorrow because there is so much judgement involved. They come in and judge the way your home looks and have the right to judge you as a person when they don't really know you. Luckily, this is the person I have had for the past 10 years, but it is still frightening to think someone has your future in their hands.

I have met some resistance to my wanting to take children before a year from Faith's passing. It is strange to me to think that they truly think people will magically be "better"after a year..whatever "better" is. It will be nine months since Faith passed away next week and to be perfectly honest, some things are harder. Like I have said before, in ways it becomes a bit easier with time because you realize you have to accept that you will be living with this pain; but..yes, some things are harder to deal with! I feel her absence more now. I feel more lonely not having my special sidekick. Basically I FEEL what life is like without her instead of that nice sense of shock that carries you through initially.

I do understand the year in a way. You need time to let that shock wear off. You need time to know what you are actually feeling and you need time to learn to cope. However, grief is life long. It will never go away and it will be a continued process of dealing with the hole left in your heart. A continuing process of healing that will be with you until the day you die. But, in my opinion, it is up to the person and family to know when they feel ready or not to start "living" again. Everyone grieves differently. Differently or not, it doesn't change the fact that it is forever. We all learn to ACCEPT at different times and you can not tell someone when that will be. There is no right or wrong answer. No timeline will help guide you to that place. It could be a month, 6 months, 10 months, 10 years, 20 years, never. It is all an individual process. Period. No judgement should be allowed for a very personal experience. It goes back to the age old saying, "don't judge someone without walking in their shoes".

Some people have said maybe the year is to ensure you don't try to replace Faith. How is it humanly possible to replace someone???? It absolutely is not. I would NEVER try to replace her. Faith was one of a kind, as are we all. Faith was my soul mate (no I don't believe it has to be your husband :) ). Faith and I had this bond that I don't know if I will ever share with another in this lifetime. I am grateful for that experience. Grateful for the time I had with her and to have that unique connection. So there is no way I would ever try to "replace" her. It is not possible.

The way I see it, though, is that I am still here for some reason. I still have love to give and a home to share. My kids and my husband have been ready to share it for some time now. They have been waiting for me to be ready. I finally feel up to exploring the possibilities of that with someone who needs it. I will try to be careful and smart about who we accept into our lives. My priorities have changed. I used to be this person that had to be super busy ALL the time. I thrived on it. Through the loss of Faith, and being forced to slow down and I have learned the value of that. I no longer want to be that busy. I want to make sure I have adequate time to dedicate to everyone.

With that being said, I still have my A type personality that likes to have a lot to do, likes to be organized and likes a large family to run. The difference I have now, the things I have learned over the past 9 months, is not to be SO busy or SO overwhelmed that you miss the small things. You miss pillow talk with your daughter or throwing the ball with your son. That will hopefully carry over and help us in making a good match for our family.

I am not in a hurry. I want what is meant to be for us. I firmly believe that God will make that happen. If there is someone meant to be with us nothing will be able to get in the way of that. I also believe that my mom and Faith will be working their magic to make it work out as well. Hopefully showing me the signs that allow me to know the path I am to take. :)

So, we shall see. In the meantime wish us luck tomorrow. I will let you know how it goes.