"I don't know how you do it"

I can't sleep because my mind is circling with the thought of how many times I have heard...."I don't know how you do it". I will be honest, I don't know how I do it either. I think that is why I am awake too early this morning trying to figure it out. I don't like the idea that people think I possibly didn't love my daughter as much as they love their kids which couldn't be farther from the truth!!! But, that is what comments like those make you feel like (and I know that is not the intent of them).

In fact, for those of you that know me and knew Faith and I together, we were obsessed with each other! Seriously. There are people in this life that I believe are destined to be together. Some people use the term soul mate. I have to agree with that term, although most people use it to describe their partner in life. I do not believe it has to be your partner. I believe it can be anyone: a parent, a friend, your partner, a child...

I am convinced Faith and I were meant to be together. She was absolutely a soul mate of mine: a person with whom you have an extremely deep connection that was put in your life for a reason. Our connection was the strongest I have ever felt in my life. I guess, in a way, that gives me comfort because it gives me a belief there is a higher power. It gives me the belief that there is something beyond what is here on Earth. It gives me the belief that things do happen for a reason and we have to have Faith in that eventhough it doesn't always make sense.

I have never been one to play the victim role. I think there is always someone out there that has it harder than I do. I do not feel like anything productive can come out of dwelling on the bad things that have happened to us and reliving it over and over. I will be honest that I did that for awhile. Then my counselor asked me if I like being in a painful moment over and over. Of course not! She then walked me through the fact that going back in those painful moments only hurts and does not change anything. If I could have changed something, I would have. If I could have changed places with Faith, I would have done it in a heartbeat. No questions asked. Any parent would. But, obviously I was not given that choice and here I am...

Life is all about choices. I choose to try to primarily think of the happy times with Faith and my mom. I choose to feel extremely lucky and grateful for the time I had... instead of dwelling on the time I don't have. I am choosing to continue to live because, really, what other choice do I have? I choose to try to give my other children a good life and be PRESENT for them. If I continued to allow myself to be "victim" of all the bad things that happened to me, not only would it hurt me, it would hurt them. They don't deserve that.

I will admit it is a struggle everyday, every hour. I have to do a lot of mental work and sometimes it is exhausting. But, I do it because I want Faith to be proud of me. I want Faith to know that I am living my life with love and courage in her honor because that is how she lived. I know she would want me to be good to myself, her father and to her brothers and sisters. I want to hopefully help someone else through my experience. I want to do the best I can so that when I do see her again, she will say "you did good mommy".