Dear Faith,

I am sorry it has been so long but there is never a day that goes by that I do not think of you.  This time of year is especially hard as your absence is felt that much more.

As time goes on, people tend to forget.  But I will NEVER forget.  You meant the world to me and I feel like this world is missing out on so much without having you in it.

I saw this poem today and I wanted to share it with you.  It is exactly how I feel.

As long as I live,
You will live
As long as I live,
You will be
Remembered,
As long as I live, 
You will be loved.

I hope you love your special Christmas tree.  I hope you were with us as we decorated it.  I love the ornament you made me with your handprint the most.  It makes me cry every time, but it also makes me smile.  Your hands were so unique and special and I miss those little blue, clubbed fingertips.  :)

I love you Faithy.  I miss you so much sometimes I feel like my heart could break it hurts so much.  But, I know you are waiting for me with Grandma, GG, and Grandpa.  I am sure they are taking very good care of you and I am sure the angels sing that much sweeter with you by their side.

I love you.  I miss you.  You are my heart.

Mom

Mothers Day, 2011

Dear Mom,

I missed you today. How I wish I could have spent the day with you. I miss our talks, I miss your laugh, I miss your touch.

I was so lucky to be your daughter. I could not have hand picked a better mom and I am so grateful for the life and the love you gave me.

I hope you can feel my love today. I hope you know how very much I love you.

Happy Heavenly Mothers day.

Forever your daughter,

Shelly

Dear Faith,

I missed you so much today. Your presence is missed every day, but days like today...make your absence felt even stronger.

I hope you, too, can feel my love. I hope you know how much I loved being your mommy.

I miss you. I will miss you always.

I love you my baby girl. Mommy loves you.

Feb. 26, 2011

Dear Faith,

We have lots of snow at our house! Definitely enough to make snowmen and sled down the hill! We have been out of power but it came back on this morning. So glad it did because it was FREEZING!! I couldn't help but think how you would have reacted to all of this. Without power, you would not have been able to have your air purifier plugged in that created the white noise you loved to sleep to. I think you would have had to snuggle in bed with mom and dad. :) We actually had to do that with Melina because we were concerned with her getting too cold.

Speaking of Melina, she is doing wonderful. She will be 11 months old on Monday. She is getting so big and making some small attempts at crawling. She is starting to throw little fits and has a definite personality. I am beginning to think we may have our hands full with her!!!

We have our first Lacrosse game today for Dominic. I can't wait to see how his team will do. They have quite a bit of athletic talent on their team, however it is a small team....so we shall see. Lacrosse is my favorite sport to watch so I am excited! Tomorrow they have a double header in Redding. Do you remember when we went to Redding two years ago? I sure do. It was SO hot and I was very concerned about you. We went and sat in the back of our van to shade you from the sun. I remember having my feelings hurt because none of my friends kept us company. But now, looking back on it, I am grateful it was time for just you and I. You took a nap in the back and I just loved watching you sleep so peacefully. I sure wish we could go again together....

I took Dominic and Jessica to Disneyland a couple weeks ago. Again, a place that kept me constantly thinking of you. The three of us had a really good time. We got to go for 3 days and it was nice to spend quality time with Dom and Jess. The lines were short and we got to go on every ride we wanted. The longest line we stood in was to take a picture with Tinkerbell for Jocyleen. When we got up to Tink...she didn't even look like her! We waited 45 minutes for that!! But, it is a good picture that will give us memories to laugh at for years to come.

Grandma (mima) had a birthday yesterday. I didn't get to celebrate it how I wanted to since we were snowed in. However, I had candles lit and had a glass of wine in her honor. I hope you got to share her special day with her.

I miss you so much Faith. Whoever said that time heals....didn't know what they were talking about. It doesn't heal. It just provides you with the time to get a band-aid to cover up that wound....but the wound is still there. I think about you constantly and the realization that you are not physically with us is stronger now. I miss your laugh, your enthusiasm, your love.... I hope you are happy wherever you are and I hope you can feel all the love we continue to have for you.

Love,

Mom

7 years old

Happy Birthday Faith. Hope the heavens are throwing you a beautiful party! We love and miss you so very much. Wish we could be with you.

What a Grieving Mother Really Thinks...poem

Hello old friend,

Oh yes you know

I lost my child a while ago.

No, no please...don't look away

and change the subject

it's ok.

You see at first I couldn't feel

It took so long...but now it's real.

I hurt so much inside you see

I need to talk

Come sit with me?

You see,

I was numb for so very long

And people said,

"My she is so strong"

They did not know I couldn't feel

My broken heart made it all unreal.

but then one day, as I awoke

I clutched my chest,

Began to choke,

Such a scream,

Such a wail,

Broke from me....

My child!

My child!

The horror of reality.

But everyone has moved on, you see,

except for me.

Now when I need friends most of all,

Between us there now stands a wall.

My pain is more than they can bare,

When I mention my child

I see their blank stare.

"But I thought you were over it"

Their eyes seem to say -

No, no

I cannot listen to this, not today

So I smile and pretend...and say...

"Oh, I'm ok"

But inside I am crying

as I turn away.

And so my old friend,

I shall paint on that smile

As I have from the start.

You never knowing all the while

All I've said to you in my heart.

Author unknown

Missing you

Missing you Faith.......missing you so very much. The brightness of the Holiday season just can't compare to the light you had within.

December, 2010

Its been a long time! We have been so busy! However, it has been worth it. Football and cheer season went great! Andrew and Dominic's football teams both went to the Championships! Andrew's team won and are the Champions! Monty did an amazing job at running the snackbar and I really enjoyed this season as Cheer Coordinator.

But, no worries on not being busy...lol. Jessica is on a competition cheer squad now with her gymnastics center. She was asked to fill in for one of the girls and they wanted her to stay on! She has practice 3 days a week and usually one to two competitions a month. Lacey is on their special needs cheerleading squad so her team has performances as well! Andrew starts basketball next week and Dominic will start LaCrosse at the beginning of next year.

Melina is now 8 months old and is such a happy little girl. She receives therapy once a week through Infant Program. Developmentally she is at about 4 1/2 to 5 months old, so not too bad! Adoption should be complete in Jan or Feb.

I am still not that into the Holidays as it is hard without two key people in our lives, but I am trying to get myself in the mood. My cousin Nicole will be here with her daughter, Taylor, who is 21 months. So, with Taylor and Melina it should be fun and I keep trying to remind myself of that. It is always enjoyable to see the magic of the holidays through a child's eyes.

Monty and I recently went to UC Davis Children's hospital and were part of a panel speaking on grief and loss. At first, I didn't want to go. I was a mess initially and was not able to speak when it was my turn. Luckily, another mother spoke in my place and they were able to come back to me. By that time, I was able to pull it together and speak about our experience. I must say, it was one of the best things I have done. I came out of it feeling useful.....being able to use our experience for something good and productive. It also felt really good to share Faith will people who wanted to hear about her. I expected to come out of there feeling sad and exhausted. Instead, I came out on a natural high.....loving that I got to remember Faith and use that memory for a greater good. They asked if we would do it again and I hope they ask!

I am part of a network of parents that have angel children. It is a good place to share your feelings with people that understand. I have recently been told how much I have changed and have been reflecting on that. I guess I have and I guess it is to be expected. I am not really sure what I can do about it either. I think differently now. I don't like conflict. I am stronger in some ways, but so much weaker in others. I feel like people forget that I have been through life's worst pain. I know this is partly my fault because I don't show it. I don't like to be a burden on others and I definitely don't expect anyone to understand. I don't WANT them to understand because that would mean they would have to go through the worst of the worst....losing a child. So, this network has become a valuable part of my life to express and vent without judgment.

Anyway, through this Angel network, I came across this poem. It is a great one. So true and maybe gives a little insight and understanding. I thought I would share it.

My Mom's a Liar

Ask My Mom How She Is...

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?

Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom,
just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,
Mom, With all the lies you told!