Missing you

Missing you Faith.......missing you so very much. The brightness of the Holiday season just can't compare to the light you had within.

December, 2010

Its been a long time! We have been so busy! However, it has been worth it. Football and cheer season went great! Andrew and Dominic's football teams both went to the Championships! Andrew's team won and are the Champions! Monty did an amazing job at running the snackbar and I really enjoyed this season as Cheer Coordinator.

But, no worries on not being busy...lol. Jessica is on a competition cheer squad now with her gymnastics center. She was asked to fill in for one of the girls and they wanted her to stay on! She has practice 3 days a week and usually one to two competitions a month. Lacey is on their special needs cheerleading squad so her team has performances as well! Andrew starts basketball next week and Dominic will start LaCrosse at the beginning of next year.

Melina is now 8 months old and is such a happy little girl. She receives therapy once a week through Infant Program. Developmentally she is at about 4 1/2 to 5 months old, so not too bad! Adoption should be complete in Jan or Feb.

I am still not that into the Holidays as it is hard without two key people in our lives, but I am trying to get myself in the mood. My cousin Nicole will be here with her daughter, Taylor, who is 21 months. So, with Taylor and Melina it should be fun and I keep trying to remind myself of that. It is always enjoyable to see the magic of the holidays through a child's eyes.

Monty and I recently went to UC Davis Children's hospital and were part of a panel speaking on grief and loss. At first, I didn't want to go. I was a mess initially and was not able to speak when it was my turn. Luckily, another mother spoke in my place and they were able to come back to me. By that time, I was able to pull it together and speak about our experience. I must say, it was one of the best things I have done. I came out of it feeling useful.....being able to use our experience for something good and productive. It also felt really good to share Faith will people who wanted to hear about her. I expected to come out of there feeling sad and exhausted. Instead, I came out on a natural high.....loving that I got to remember Faith and use that memory for a greater good. They asked if we would do it again and I hope they ask!

I am part of a network of parents that have angel children. It is a good place to share your feelings with people that understand. I have recently been told how much I have changed and have been reflecting on that. I guess I have and I guess it is to be expected. I am not really sure what I can do about it either. I think differently now. I don't like conflict. I am stronger in some ways, but so much weaker in others. I feel like people forget that I have been through life's worst pain. I know this is partly my fault because I don't show it. I don't like to be a burden on others and I definitely don't expect anyone to understand. I don't WANT them to understand because that would mean they would have to go through the worst of the worst....losing a child. So, this network has become a valuable part of my life to express and vent without judgment.

Anyway, through this Angel network, I came across this poem. It is a great one. So true and maybe gives a little insight and understanding. I thought I would share it.

My Mom's a Liar

Ask My Mom How She Is...

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?

Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom,
just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,
Mom, With all the lies you told!