It has been a challenging week and a half. Faith would have started Kindergarten this year. The first day of school was one of the hardest, saddest days that I have had to date. Faith couldn't wait to go to the same school as her brothers and sisters and it killed me that she didn't get to do that. She would have lit up that school and it breaks my heart everyday to see all those kids and know that they are missing out on getting to know such an amazing person.
That is another challenge....people forgetting. That is the hardest part of this whole process. A friend of mine told me that the support goes away extremely quickly and that people forget equally as quickly. I didn't believe it, but now I 100% understand and it hurts. Hurts more than words can even express. I did not feel this way with my mom. I suppose it is because she was an adult and I know that the people that knew and loved her will remember. However, with Faith, she was so young and only a select number of people had contact with her. So it is easy for her to be forgotten. As a mother, that is the hardest thing to accept. My beautiful, courageous baby doesn't deserve that.
When she was alive, there were multiple support avenues. The heart support group was phenominal, especially during hospital stays, but now they are basically null and void. Maybe it is due to the fear of the same thing happening to them. Family members and friends (not all, of course) that called daily, now call few and far between and some not at all; This blog used to get up to 25 posts in a day and now, it is lucky to receive one. It is all so strange. Strange, lonely and sad. I am going to go to a support group once football and cheer free up my time. The only unfortunate thing is that is that the closest one is pretty far into Sacramento. But, I will try it out since they only meet once a month and I am sure it will feel good to share with others that understand.
I guess I feel free, however, to express these things on the blog because of that. I told my kids that this blog will be a great thing for them to look back on one day. When they are 50 years old they can go to this site and see how their mom was feeling....remember Faith...see what things they did....what vacations we took...etc. After I pass away, it will be even more valuable to them. I wish I had a chronicle of my mom's life or a letter that she wrote to me...anything. The world of technology sure has made a lot of great things available.
Since the kids are back in school, it is very strange to be at home by myself. I'm not sure I care for it and am considering going back to work. I am fairly confident that I do not want to do foster care anymore. There are a few reasons for this.... 1) I don't want to have anymore losses, 2) working with biological parents is difficult and 3) because, honestly, the other kids are blossoming with the extra attention. My kids have openly and lovingly shared their mom and dad with multiple children for the past 8 years, many of them (primarily Faith) very time consuming. It is their time now! They have suffered enough loss, as well. They deserve extra attention and I don't want to weaken and take that away from them. Dominic is 12 now and Jessica just turned 11. I don't have much longer until they are adults and will move away from home and that is why I need to stay focused on them and continue to be strong and say NO when I receive those calls!
Other than that, life continues to move forward and I keep fighting to find my way.
Shelly
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
August 11, 2009
We went on another family trip this past weekend. This time was a bit easier even though we went to Faith's favorite place....San Francisco! Faith had numerous medical appointments in San Francisco and we would always make it an overnight thing so we could take our time. She loved to go to the Pier and watch the seals, which she called aarh, aarh's. Everytime we went through a tunnel, we had to yell "Yipee!". So, it is a place that holds a lot of memories.
However, we did really well! I am proud of all of us!!! Our first day in San Fran, we went to Alcatraz. The kids seemed bored with the exception of Andrew who was nervous. If you know Andrew...you will understand. :) The kids loved the boat ride, but Alcatraz itself was boring to them. When the tour was complete, we went to the Pier and watched the Aarh, aarh's and thought about Faith. We ate at our favorite restraunt afterwards, Bubba Gumps, and had a really nice surprise...we had a view of the ocean and 3 dolphins were jumping right in our view!!! A present from my mom and Faith?????
The following day went through the tour of Winchester Mystery House. Everyone LOVED that!!! Dominic was really interested and asked really good questions to the tour guide. (most of the questions were better than questions other adults were asking, I might add). After that, we had a late lunch that served as dinner and were on our way home. It was a quick, nice get-a-way.
This next weekend is our last open weekend before football games. I think we will spend it at home, relaxing around the pool and BBQing! Football season is long and because I am the Cheer Coordinator, even longer. I will need to be there from 10am all the way until the last game ends around 7 or 8. LONG DAY!!! But, football season is fun and I am glad we have the distraction. There are great people involved in the organization and it has been fun getting to know them.
The previous football season's, Monty was the one involved and I would stay at home with Faith and Karen. I think most people barely even knew who I was! So, this is bittersweet: fun to finally make friends, but at the same time...knowing why I can finally make them. However, I am trying to learn to embrace my NEW normal as challenging as that is. What else do you do? I know I am setting an example for my children of how to face life's curveballs and I take that seriously. It is a lot easier to curl up in a ball and shut the world out than to draw from your inner strength and rise to the occasion. My kids are rising to this challenge in an incredibly beautiful way. I actually draw courage from them. As much as I want to be with Faith, I also know I need to carry out my mission of being the mother to these AMAZING kids who show me the meaning of inner beauty and strength everyday!!!!!
However, we did really well! I am proud of all of us!!! Our first day in San Fran, we went to Alcatraz. The kids seemed bored with the exception of Andrew who was nervous. If you know Andrew...you will understand. :) The kids loved the boat ride, but Alcatraz itself was boring to them. When the tour was complete, we went to the Pier and watched the Aarh, aarh's and thought about Faith. We ate at our favorite restraunt afterwards, Bubba Gumps, and had a really nice surprise...we had a view of the ocean and 3 dolphins were jumping right in our view!!! A present from my mom and Faith?????
The following day went through the tour of Winchester Mystery House. Everyone LOVED that!!! Dominic was really interested and asked really good questions to the tour guide. (most of the questions were better than questions other adults were asking, I might add). After that, we had a late lunch that served as dinner and were on our way home. It was a quick, nice get-a-way.
This next weekend is our last open weekend before football games. I think we will spend it at home, relaxing around the pool and BBQing! Football season is long and because I am the Cheer Coordinator, even longer. I will need to be there from 10am all the way until the last game ends around 7 or 8. LONG DAY!!! But, football season is fun and I am glad we have the distraction. There are great people involved in the organization and it has been fun getting to know them.
The previous football season's, Monty was the one involved and I would stay at home with Faith and Karen. I think most people barely even knew who I was! So, this is bittersweet: fun to finally make friends, but at the same time...knowing why I can finally make them. However, I am trying to learn to embrace my NEW normal as challenging as that is. What else do you do? I know I am setting an example for my children of how to face life's curveballs and I take that seriously. It is a lot easier to curl up in a ball and shut the world out than to draw from your inner strength and rise to the occasion. My kids are rising to this challenge in an incredibly beautiful way. I actually draw courage from them. As much as I want to be with Faith, I also know I need to carry out my mission of being the mother to these AMAZING kids who show me the meaning of inner beauty and strength everyday!!!!!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
AUGUST 1ST
It has now been 2 months without Faith. We are still finding our way and living each day as it comes. 3 of my kids: Dominic, Jessica and Andrew are involved with football and cheer which started last week and keeps us VERY busy. It is 5 days a week for the next few weeks so there will not be time for much else.
I went to my doctor the other day and he said something very interesting to me...that I am not only grieving, but also coming off a heightened sense of anxiety that I lived with on a day to day basis. I had never even thought about the day to day anxiety! He asked what it was like when Faith didn't wake up at her normal time, or when she would look the slightest bit "off", or would get a low grade fever, etc. When those things happened, I was worried sick! Faith had numerous medical problems and we spent a lot of time at unplanned doctors appointments, ER visits and hospital stays. So, it REALLY struck a chord with me and gave me some new enlightenment to some of my feelings!!! It makes so much sense, but yet was not even something I had considered!
Reno was a nice trip, although it was our first one without Faith. When I packed, I couldn't shake the sense that I was forgetting something. I am so used to almost packing the whole house for trips and it was extremely strange to only fill up half of our trunk. In Reno, I couldn't stop myself from thinking "Faith would do this" or "Faith would have liked this". She just brought so much happiness and excitement to everything, that is was extremely strange not having her there. However, she was there (in a way). Jessica got her face painted with a yellow butterfly so Faith could be at Circus Circus with us and I went into a shop and found what I feel is a mommy and Faith ring. The ring has a yellow butterfly along with a clear butterfly. It makes me feel like it is Faith and I: Faith is yellow and I don't have a color yet for I am still here on Earth. Whatever makes me feel better, right? But, all in all, it was a fun trip and it was nice to get away. The most important thing is that the other kids enjoyed themselves and that was the ultimate point of it!!!
I went to my doctor the other day and he said something very interesting to me...that I am not only grieving, but also coming off a heightened sense of anxiety that I lived with on a day to day basis. I had never even thought about the day to day anxiety! He asked what it was like when Faith didn't wake up at her normal time, or when she would look the slightest bit "off", or would get a low grade fever, etc. When those things happened, I was worried sick! Faith had numerous medical problems and we spent a lot of time at unplanned doctors appointments, ER visits and hospital stays. So, it REALLY struck a chord with me and gave me some new enlightenment to some of my feelings!!! It makes so much sense, but yet was not even something I had considered!
Reno was a nice trip, although it was our first one without Faith. When I packed, I couldn't shake the sense that I was forgetting something. I am so used to almost packing the whole house for trips and it was extremely strange to only fill up half of our trunk. In Reno, I couldn't stop myself from thinking "Faith would do this" or "Faith would have liked this". She just brought so much happiness and excitement to everything, that is was extremely strange not having her there. However, she was there (in a way). Jessica got her face painted with a yellow butterfly so Faith could be at Circus Circus with us and I went into a shop and found what I feel is a mommy and Faith ring. The ring has a yellow butterfly along with a clear butterfly. It makes me feel like it is Faith and I: Faith is yellow and I don't have a color yet for I am still here on Earth. Whatever makes me feel better, right? But, all in all, it was a fun trip and it was nice to get away. The most important thing is that the other kids enjoyed themselves and that was the ultimate point of it!!!
Friday, July 24, 2009
July 24th, 2009
Our family is actually going to get out of this house this weekend!!! I am definitely ready for a change of scenery and we are going to head to Reno to stay the weekend. The trip is a birthday present for Lacey, who turned 9 on the 20th and Andrew, who turns 8 on the 29th. Happy Birthday!
Circus Circus is a great combination for the two of them. Andrew loves video games, which there are plenty of there so he will be in heaven! Lacey is my autistic one and her "thing" is dogs. As luck would have it, there is a circus dog show being performed there this weekend!!! Besides that, as down as I have been...I just don't see how you cannot smile and/or laugh in a place like Circus Circus. So, it should benefit all of us.
On the whole, our family is doing as well as can be expected. I am having the hardest time, but have weekly sessions with my counselor and I believe these sessions will start to help me heal. I have a wonderful counselor that I feel really wants to help me. She does not want me to take on anymore children or do anymore outside caregiving so that we can find out who I really am without that. That is so strange for me because since the age of 19 all I have done is take care of someone else. I really don't know who I am outside of that. And, then I think....well, isn't that me???? And, yes, it is, but I think her point is to learn what is it that I can do that is just for ME. Imagine that! The strange and hard part is....I don't know what that is! So, this will be a big challenge.
Guilt has been a big one for me this week too. Guilt is horrible and can destroy you. I keep trying to fight those thoughts away, but it is difficult. The thoughts of: could I have done anything different for Faith, should I have waited longer to do the surgery or should I have done it sooner, should I have known something wasn't right.... I was her mom and it is hard not to feel like I didn't do enough/ I didn't protect her enough. Now, there is no way to know. There is no turning back the clock and changing anything. What is done is done and I have to learn to accept what is.
I recently received a packet from an organization called Grief Haven. A friend of mine asked them to send me their information because it is an organization set up to help Parents that have lost their children. It was founded by a mother who lost her daughter to a rare sinus cancer. They sent me a wonderful packet including a video to help deal with our loss. But what I wanted to share was part of the packet that included a list of what things to "avoid" saying to someone grieving. I laughed when I read it because it is soooooooooo true!!! But the thing is....people don't know what to say. I was right there, too, just a year ago. Before I lost my mom, I had no idea what would make someone feel better at such a horrible time. Then, when I lost Faith, I REALLY learned what I didn't want to hear!
I have had numerous people ask me, "what is the right thing to say?". So, I figured I would share it for those that want or need to know. DON'T FEEL BAD IF YOU HAVE SAID ANY OF THESE THINGS! Like I said, most of us have NO clue what to say and that is why I am sharing. This list was compiled after asking "real" grieving parents what comments they did not like. The "avoid" list is much larger than the "comfort" list, as you will see. That is because.....honestly...there isn't much that IS comforting.
Things to avoid:
"at least he/she is no longer in pain"
"it was God's will"
"you'll be ok- you are strong"
"you must move on"
"He/she is the lucky one, we are stuck here"
"she/he is in a better place"
"there is nothing you can do about it"
"I know how you feel" (you can't possibly know unless you have lost a CHILD)
"he/she would not want you to be unhappy"
"you were lucky to have had her at all" (*this is one I question....because I do feel lucky to have had Faith at all. But, it was on the list so it must bother some grieving parents)
"thank God you have other children"
"At least you knew that kind of love"
"call me if you need anything" (YOU are supposed to reach out to the grieving person, not the other way around!)
"you can always have more children"
"I know how you feel - we just put our dog to sleep"
"he/she is in Gods hands now"
"you are still crying? Hasn't it been two years now?"
"It must have been their time"
"you will see them again one day"
"God only takes the best ones"
"just think, it could have been worse"
"time heals all things"
"everything happens for a reason" (*this one I, personally, am not sure about because I would like to believe things happen for a reason eventhough we may never understand until we meet our Maker)
"have you thought of taking a trip?"
"don't be angry, you know better"
Never compare losses, such as:
"at least you got to say goodbye"
"I know, I lost my father 3 years ago" (again, losing your child is different than any other loss)
"but you never knew him/her, since he died at birth"
"it must be so much worse to have a child who suffers for a long time"
"it must be worse having him die unexpectedly and never getting to say goodbye"
NO MATTER HOW OLD THE CHILD WAS OR HOW THE CHILD DIED, THE RESULT IS STILL THE SAME.............
Now, for the short comfort list:
"I am sorry for your loss"
"I miss (name) too"
"I am sorry. (name) had a beautiful smile" (or anything positive)
"I know how much you loved him/her"
"He/she told me how much he/she loved you and I know how much you meant to him/her"
"I care so much. I honestly don't know what to say"
"I can't begin to imagine what you are going through"
"I am so glad I knew him/her...they changed my life"
"I think about you all of the time"
"I miss his/her laugh and company" (or whatever it is you miss about the child)
So, the bottom line is that the best way to comfort someone that is grieving is by not saying much. Just by being there, letting them know you care in your way will make the grieving family eternally grateful to you.
Hope this is helpful.
Shelly
Circus Circus is a great combination for the two of them. Andrew loves video games, which there are plenty of there so he will be in heaven! Lacey is my autistic one and her "thing" is dogs. As luck would have it, there is a circus dog show being performed there this weekend!!! Besides that, as down as I have been...I just don't see how you cannot smile and/or laugh in a place like Circus Circus. So, it should benefit all of us.
On the whole, our family is doing as well as can be expected. I am having the hardest time, but have weekly sessions with my counselor and I believe these sessions will start to help me heal. I have a wonderful counselor that I feel really wants to help me. She does not want me to take on anymore children or do anymore outside caregiving so that we can find out who I really am without that. That is so strange for me because since the age of 19 all I have done is take care of someone else. I really don't know who I am outside of that. And, then I think....well, isn't that me???? And, yes, it is, but I think her point is to learn what is it that I can do that is just for ME. Imagine that! The strange and hard part is....I don't know what that is! So, this will be a big challenge.
Guilt has been a big one for me this week too. Guilt is horrible and can destroy you. I keep trying to fight those thoughts away, but it is difficult. The thoughts of: could I have done anything different for Faith, should I have waited longer to do the surgery or should I have done it sooner, should I have known something wasn't right.... I was her mom and it is hard not to feel like I didn't do enough/ I didn't protect her enough. Now, there is no way to know. There is no turning back the clock and changing anything. What is done is done and I have to learn to accept what is.
I recently received a packet from an organization called Grief Haven. A friend of mine asked them to send me their information because it is an organization set up to help Parents that have lost their children. It was founded by a mother who lost her daughter to a rare sinus cancer. They sent me a wonderful packet including a video to help deal with our loss. But what I wanted to share was part of the packet that included a list of what things to "avoid" saying to someone grieving. I laughed when I read it because it is soooooooooo true!!! But the thing is....people don't know what to say. I was right there, too, just a year ago. Before I lost my mom, I had no idea what would make someone feel better at such a horrible time. Then, when I lost Faith, I REALLY learned what I didn't want to hear!
I have had numerous people ask me, "what is the right thing to say?". So, I figured I would share it for those that want or need to know. DON'T FEEL BAD IF YOU HAVE SAID ANY OF THESE THINGS! Like I said, most of us have NO clue what to say and that is why I am sharing. This list was compiled after asking "real" grieving parents what comments they did not like. The "avoid" list is much larger than the "comfort" list, as you will see. That is because.....honestly...there isn't much that IS comforting.
Things to avoid:
"at least he/she is no longer in pain"
"it was God's will"
"you'll be ok- you are strong"
"you must move on"
"He/she is the lucky one, we are stuck here"
"she/he is in a better place"
"there is nothing you can do about it"
"I know how you feel" (you can't possibly know unless you have lost a CHILD)
"he/she would not want you to be unhappy"
"you were lucky to have had her at all" (*this is one I question....because I do feel lucky to have had Faith at all. But, it was on the list so it must bother some grieving parents)
"thank God you have other children"
"At least you knew that kind of love"
"call me if you need anything" (YOU are supposed to reach out to the grieving person, not the other way around!)
"you can always have more children"
"I know how you feel - we just put our dog to sleep"
"he/she is in Gods hands now"
"you are still crying? Hasn't it been two years now?"
"It must have been their time"
"you will see them again one day"
"God only takes the best ones"
"just think, it could have been worse"
"time heals all things"
"everything happens for a reason" (*this one I, personally, am not sure about because I would like to believe things happen for a reason eventhough we may never understand until we meet our Maker)
"have you thought of taking a trip?"
"don't be angry, you know better"
Never compare losses, such as:
"at least you got to say goodbye"
"I know, I lost my father 3 years ago" (again, losing your child is different than any other loss)
"but you never knew him/her, since he died at birth"
"it must be so much worse to have a child who suffers for a long time"
"it must be worse having him die unexpectedly and never getting to say goodbye"
NO MATTER HOW OLD THE CHILD WAS OR HOW THE CHILD DIED, THE RESULT IS STILL THE SAME.............
Now, for the short comfort list:
"I am sorry for your loss"
"I miss (name) too"
"I am sorry. (name) had a beautiful smile" (or anything positive)
"I know how much you loved him/her"
"He/she told me how much he/she loved you and I know how much you meant to him/her"
"I care so much. I honestly don't know what to say"
"I can't begin to imagine what you are going through"
"I am so glad I knew him/her...they changed my life"
"I think about you all of the time"
"I miss his/her laugh and company" (or whatever it is you miss about the child)
So, the bottom line is that the best way to comfort someone that is grieving is by not saying much. Just by being there, letting them know you care in your way will make the grieving family eternally grateful to you.
Hope this is helpful.
Shelly
Sunday, July 19, 2009
THANK YOU!
We would like to thank everyone that contributed to the raffle to benefit our family through Hearts of Hope. In times of such grief, an amazing thing happens....you learn that there are truly loving, giving and generous people out there that want to lend a hand. Most of these people we have not even met personally and that makes it even more inspiring.
Here are the winners:
1. E. Heckelman: $50 gift certificate to Cafe Bernardo
2. K & A Scott: A haircut with Angelina at Deeda Salon
3. G. Dyke: A birthday party at Max's Miracle Ranch
4. P. Thompson: A birthday party at Max's Miracle Ranch
5. R. Adamson: Photo session with Princess Photography
6. N. Baggett: Fireworks package
You should be hearing from Andrea, soon, to collect your prizes.
Thank you to all that contributed. We are humbled by your kindness.
The Duarte family
Here are the winners:
1. E. Heckelman: $50 gift certificate to Cafe Bernardo
2. K & A Scott: A haircut with Angelina at Deeda Salon
3. G. Dyke: A birthday party at Max's Miracle Ranch
4. P. Thompson: A birthday party at Max's Miracle Ranch
5. R. Adamson: Photo session with Princess Photography
6. N. Baggett: Fireworks package
You should be hearing from Andrea, soon, to collect your prizes.
Thank you to all that contributed. We are humbled by your kindness.
The Duarte family
Sunday, July 12, 2009
July 12th, 2009
Today has been a year since my mom passed. So much has happened this past year and I am sitting here having a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Two of my most favorite people I have met in my life are gone. Gone.
I mean, how did this all happen? Why? What the heck are my life lessons? Life is extremely complicated and there is no way to figure it out.
I have been told that the pain will lesson with time, but I have to be honest that is really not happening yet. Not with either of the one's I have lost. I was extremely connected in a strong way to both of them. In a way I feel very lucky to have had such deep love with them, but it also makes their loss harder because it leaves such a huge void in my everyday life. My mom and Faith were part of my EVERYDAY life.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them. With Faith....I don't think even a minute goes by. I have her ashes in a necklace and I HAVE to wear it or I freak out. That is my way of having her as close to me as I can get her and it gives me comfort.
Monty has gone back to work, but I am home with the kids. I think Monty being out of the house, is coping pretty well. He has something to do everyday and is not in this house all day long with memories around him everywhere. It is not so easy for me trying to be here, trying to keep a "game" face on for the kids at home and give them all the attention they deserve when sometimes I don't even want to face the day. Morning comes and I don't really want to get up because I don't have Faith and I don't have my best friend, my mom, to call and cry to. The solace in that is that hopefully they are taking care of each other which is more important that my feelings.
But, my life has changed so dramatically and I am very lost. I don't know where to go from here. I am trying to pour my attention into everyone at home, but school starts in the middle of August...and then what? I can't stay home all day long without Faith. So, those are personal things that I will have to figure out on my own. Maybe those initial days of quiet I can find some time to really reflect on that. Reflect on what I see myself doing from this point on. I know it has to have something that has meaning. That helps a person/s in some way. I have the paperwork to be a volunteer at UCD, which I would LOVE to do, but I don't know when I will be ready to walk in there again. So many memories, but I would love to and someday I will have to try to go in and try to face the emotion and fear. Hospital life, especially at UCD, has been my life for 5 years and strangely I miss it. So, volunteering there and spending time with the great staff and children there would (I think) renew my spirit when I feel up to it. That may be my way to give back to Faith and I am pretty sure my mom would be proud of me as well.
So, today is just a hard one because of that year mark and reflecting on a lot of things. I miss my mom. I miss Faith. I hope they are at peace and that eventually I can find some of that peace, too, and bring back some of my happiness they took a little bit of when they left. Special girls they are. Both probably taking over up there in Heaven with their ultra amazing personalities! Both of those girls had such a love for life, music, people, dance..........Heaven is certainly a brighter place.
Shelly
- Love you Mamacita. Miss you very, very much. And, Faithy, oh...man...you know mommy loves you and misses you all the time. Take care my special ones and save me a place right next to you BOTH!
I mean, how did this all happen? Why? What the heck are my life lessons? Life is extremely complicated and there is no way to figure it out.
I have been told that the pain will lesson with time, but I have to be honest that is really not happening yet. Not with either of the one's I have lost. I was extremely connected in a strong way to both of them. In a way I feel very lucky to have had such deep love with them, but it also makes their loss harder because it leaves such a huge void in my everyday life. My mom and Faith were part of my EVERYDAY life.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them. With Faith....I don't think even a minute goes by. I have her ashes in a necklace and I HAVE to wear it or I freak out. That is my way of having her as close to me as I can get her and it gives me comfort.
Monty has gone back to work, but I am home with the kids. I think Monty being out of the house, is coping pretty well. He has something to do everyday and is not in this house all day long with memories around him everywhere. It is not so easy for me trying to be here, trying to keep a "game" face on for the kids at home and give them all the attention they deserve when sometimes I don't even want to face the day. Morning comes and I don't really want to get up because I don't have Faith and I don't have my best friend, my mom, to call and cry to. The solace in that is that hopefully they are taking care of each other which is more important that my feelings.
But, my life has changed so dramatically and I am very lost. I don't know where to go from here. I am trying to pour my attention into everyone at home, but school starts in the middle of August...and then what? I can't stay home all day long without Faith. So, those are personal things that I will have to figure out on my own. Maybe those initial days of quiet I can find some time to really reflect on that. Reflect on what I see myself doing from this point on. I know it has to have something that has meaning. That helps a person/s in some way. I have the paperwork to be a volunteer at UCD, which I would LOVE to do, but I don't know when I will be ready to walk in there again. So many memories, but I would love to and someday I will have to try to go in and try to face the emotion and fear. Hospital life, especially at UCD, has been my life for 5 years and strangely I miss it. So, volunteering there and spending time with the great staff and children there would (I think) renew my spirit when I feel up to it. That may be my way to give back to Faith and I am pretty sure my mom would be proud of me as well.
So, today is just a hard one because of that year mark and reflecting on a lot of things. I miss my mom. I miss Faith. I hope they are at peace and that eventually I can find some of that peace, too, and bring back some of my happiness they took a little bit of when they left. Special girls they are. Both probably taking over up there in Heaven with their ultra amazing personalities! Both of those girls had such a love for life, music, people, dance..........Heaven is certainly a brighter place.
Shelly
- Love you Mamacita. Miss you very, very much. And, Faithy, oh...man...you know mommy loves you and misses you all the time. Take care my special ones and save me a place right next to you BOTH!
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