Happy Birthday Faith. I wonder if it will ever get easier to write on those yellow balloons to you? I can't imagine that it will. It is our bridge from earth to the heavens on your special day and we hope you received those balloons. We love and miss you everyday but are especially thinking of you on your special day. The day that God decided to bring you into this world and a few weeks later bless us with the gift of giving you to our family. I am a lucky mommy! I hope you had fun with Grandma and the Angels today and I hope you felt our love. Happy Birthday my precious Faith. Happy Birthday my sweet girl.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
Doing ok
Its getting close to your birthday but I am doing ok. I am trying to find something positive in each and every day and it is really helping me out.
It is so easy to get swallowed up in grief and misery. It is so easy to want to pull the covers over your head and shut out the world. It is MUCH harder to do the WORK and get yourself out of that mindset. And, YES, it feels like work. It is hard! Part of me wants to stay there because it keeps me connected to you, so to speak, as strange as that may sound. But, I know it is not healthy for me or for the rest of my family. Nor is it how I want to live my life and I am sure it is not how you want me to live it.
So, I vowed to start looking at things in a more positive manner and really start finding things I am grateful for and I am finding that I am a lot happier even as your birthday approaches. I realize that you sent Melina to me so I watch her now in a new light. I am so blessed to have her. She has a LOT of energy and sometimes it drives me crazy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything! She is one of a kind and her happiness is contagious. When she runs around and dances to songs I think of you because I know you would have loved to have been able to do those things if your legs would have cooperated. I am sure in Heaven you can. :)
My mindset is even different about wanting new furniture. I have been so unhappy with my living room. And...with my new attitude, I don't care! It is not important. I have furniture to sit on with my family so that is good enough! Melina is too young and would ruin new furniture anyway, so it can wait. I realize wanting new furniture was just part of me being unhappy on the inside and thinking I needed to change my environment would help. But it won't. Its all about me being happy on the inside that is the priority. Spending money on furniture would take away from money that could be spent on doing things with my family and I definitely do NOT want to do that.
Dominic will be a junior in high school this next school year. That is really freaking me out!!!!! The clock is ticking with him before he will be out of the house and I can't stand it. I love that kid sooooooo much. He is such a special soul. Such a unique, kind, compassionate individual. It is rare to find people like him let alone in a male. I love spending time with him and need to try to get in as much as I can over the next few years.
Jessica too. She is in high school. A freshman. She is incredibly busy with her competitive cheer. Next season we will have to make some changes with that because she needs more time at home. I love that she is so athletic but there has to be a balance. We hardly see her. She is gone 5-6 nights a week. Time goes by too fast and as we all know, things can change in an instant so I need time more time with my little "mini me". lol
So, my Faith, mom is doing pretty well. I feel like I am getting rid of the dark cloud that was over me. Kinda ironic because while I was writing this the song Shadow of the Day was playing and it states that "....and the shadow of the day will embrace the world in gray and the sun will set for you..." Also says "....sometimes solutions aren't so simple...". That pretty much sums it up.
Love you baby girl. The sun does set for you.
Mom.
It is so easy to get swallowed up in grief and misery. It is so easy to want to pull the covers over your head and shut out the world. It is MUCH harder to do the WORK and get yourself out of that mindset. And, YES, it feels like work. It is hard! Part of me wants to stay there because it keeps me connected to you, so to speak, as strange as that may sound. But, I know it is not healthy for me or for the rest of my family. Nor is it how I want to live my life and I am sure it is not how you want me to live it.
So, I vowed to start looking at things in a more positive manner and really start finding things I am grateful for and I am finding that I am a lot happier even as your birthday approaches. I realize that you sent Melina to me so I watch her now in a new light. I am so blessed to have her. She has a LOT of energy and sometimes it drives me crazy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything! She is one of a kind and her happiness is contagious. When she runs around and dances to songs I think of you because I know you would have loved to have been able to do those things if your legs would have cooperated. I am sure in Heaven you can. :)
My mindset is even different about wanting new furniture. I have been so unhappy with my living room. And...with my new attitude, I don't care! It is not important. I have furniture to sit on with my family so that is good enough! Melina is too young and would ruin new furniture anyway, so it can wait. I realize wanting new furniture was just part of me being unhappy on the inside and thinking I needed to change my environment would help. But it won't. Its all about me being happy on the inside that is the priority. Spending money on furniture would take away from money that could be spent on doing things with my family and I definitely do NOT want to do that.
Dominic will be a junior in high school this next school year. That is really freaking me out!!!!! The clock is ticking with him before he will be out of the house and I can't stand it. I love that kid sooooooo much. He is such a special soul. Such a unique, kind, compassionate individual. It is rare to find people like him let alone in a male. I love spending time with him and need to try to get in as much as I can over the next few years.
Jessica too. She is in high school. A freshman. She is incredibly busy with her competitive cheer. Next season we will have to make some changes with that because she needs more time at home. I love that she is so athletic but there has to be a balance. We hardly see her. She is gone 5-6 nights a week. Time goes by too fast and as we all know, things can change in an instant so I need time more time with my little "mini me". lol
So, my Faith, mom is doing pretty well. I feel like I am getting rid of the dark cloud that was over me. Kinda ironic because while I was writing this the song Shadow of the Day was playing and it states that "....and the shadow of the day will embrace the world in gray and the sun will set for you..." Also says "....sometimes solutions aren't so simple...". That pretty much sums it up.
Love you baby girl. The sun does set for you.
Mom.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
The New Year....2013
My sweet Faith,
It is now 2013 and I made it through yet another year without you. Sometimes I still can't believe this is my life...the life I have to lead...and I suppose I am still stuck in a bit of the denial stage of grief. It seems like it has been too long for me to still be in that stage but I think that is what has gotten me this far. People like to say I am strong, but I just want to laugh because if they only knew what I really felt on the inside.....
I still feel lost without you. It is probably crazy for some to understand how I could be so wrapped up in one child, but I was. I think those with children with special needs, especially those with healthcare needs can understand. When you were here, I felt strong because it was you and I against the world. We had each other and I did everything I could to keep you here. It was my life and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Now, without having to take care of you, I still feel a bit lost. I feel like part of my identity is gone because it was intertwined with yours. I loved getting your medications, going to doctor appointments, even hospital visits. I LOVED ALL OF IT. I miss it. I miss you so darn much and so I am still trying to figure out what I do with myself from this point forward.
There has to be reason for all of this. There has to be meaning behind my experience or else what was it for????? Just to make us suffer????? That can't be it and I refuse to believe that. If I don't do something worthwhile with my life, I will feel as if I am failing both of us because I live for you now too.
I am so grateful for the time I did have with you and by paying that forward I can show the world (in my own mind) that you were here and you MATTERED. I hate how people forget. I hate that I don't get to talk about you very much. You were HERE and you did matter and you made a difference in this world and in our family and I will figure out a way to honor that. I will.
So, for 2013 I am going to try to be open to exploring my options. Melina will be starting preschool in April and so I will have some available time to start working on ME. I can use that quiet time to hopefully figure some things out this year. I have no clue what that will mean, but I believe...eventually...and with your help from above, I will figure it out.
For 2013 I am also going to play Monopoly. Yes, Monopoly. I cannot stand that game so I always have an excuse not to play. But, Dominic and Jessica love the game and so I am going to sit my butt down and play! The main reason I don't like to play is because the darn game takes soooooo long, but I only have a few years left with those two at home so there is nothing more important than playing a game of Monopoly with them. Right Faith? Right. (i can hear just how you would say it :))
I am also going to be a better listener. I don't feel like I am a bad listener, but I get other things done while I am listening. I am a mom, a muli-tasker, that is what I am supposed to do. Right? Wrong! I am going to make it a point to be an ACTIVE listener. My mom was not an active listener and it drove me crazy and here I am repeating her mistake!! So, I need to concentrate on sitting down and making whoever is talking to me feel important. They always were important....but they need to FEEL it by my body language and that means no more multi-tasking while listening! My kids, loved ones and friends are way more important than anything else. It can always wait.
So, there you go my girl. My thoughts for this new year. The first part is kind of big for me. I have to try hard to move on a bit from your last few months here on earth. That is hard one to do because it means moving past a lot of feelings I have about it so I can start to see life a little clearer. But, it is important to do so that I can give OUR life meaning. I hope I can make it happen. I love you my beautiful angel. Mom.
It is now 2013 and I made it through yet another year without you. Sometimes I still can't believe this is my life...the life I have to lead...and I suppose I am still stuck in a bit of the denial stage of grief. It seems like it has been too long for me to still be in that stage but I think that is what has gotten me this far. People like to say I am strong, but I just want to laugh because if they only knew what I really felt on the inside.....
I still feel lost without you. It is probably crazy for some to understand how I could be so wrapped up in one child, but I was. I think those with children with special needs, especially those with healthcare needs can understand. When you were here, I felt strong because it was you and I against the world. We had each other and I did everything I could to keep you here. It was my life and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Now, without having to take care of you, I still feel a bit lost. I feel like part of my identity is gone because it was intertwined with yours. I loved getting your medications, going to doctor appointments, even hospital visits. I LOVED ALL OF IT. I miss it. I miss you so darn much and so I am still trying to figure out what I do with myself from this point forward.
There has to be reason for all of this. There has to be meaning behind my experience or else what was it for????? Just to make us suffer????? That can't be it and I refuse to believe that. If I don't do something worthwhile with my life, I will feel as if I am failing both of us because I live for you now too.
I am so grateful for the time I did have with you and by paying that forward I can show the world (in my own mind) that you were here and you MATTERED. I hate how people forget. I hate that I don't get to talk about you very much. You were HERE and you did matter and you made a difference in this world and in our family and I will figure out a way to honor that. I will.
So, for 2013 I am going to try to be open to exploring my options. Melina will be starting preschool in April and so I will have some available time to start working on ME. I can use that quiet time to hopefully figure some things out this year. I have no clue what that will mean, but I believe...eventually...and with your help from above, I will figure it out.
For 2013 I am also going to play Monopoly. Yes, Monopoly. I cannot stand that game so I always have an excuse not to play. But, Dominic and Jessica love the game and so I am going to sit my butt down and play! The main reason I don't like to play is because the darn game takes soooooo long, but I only have a few years left with those two at home so there is nothing more important than playing a game of Monopoly with them. Right Faith? Right. (i can hear just how you would say it :))
I am also going to be a better listener. I don't feel like I am a bad listener, but I get other things done while I am listening. I am a mom, a muli-tasker, that is what I am supposed to do. Right? Wrong! I am going to make it a point to be an ACTIVE listener. My mom was not an active listener and it drove me crazy and here I am repeating her mistake!! So, I need to concentrate on sitting down and making whoever is talking to me feel important. They always were important....but they need to FEEL it by my body language and that means no more multi-tasking while listening! My kids, loved ones and friends are way more important than anything else. It can always wait.
So, there you go my girl. My thoughts for this new year. The first part is kind of big for me. I have to try hard to move on a bit from your last few months here on earth. That is hard one to do because it means moving past a lot of feelings I have about it so I can start to see life a little clearer. But, it is important to do so that I can give OUR life meaning. I hope I can make it happen. I love you my beautiful angel. Mom.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Dear Faith,
I am sorry it has been so long but there is never a day that goes by that I do not think of you. This time of year is especially hard as your absence is felt that much more.
As time goes on, people tend to forget. But I will NEVER forget. You meant the world to me and I feel like this world is missing out on so much without having you in it.
I saw this poem today and I wanted to share it with you. It is exactly how I feel.
As long as I live,
You will live
As long as I live,
You will be
Remembered,
As long as I live,
You will be loved.
I hope you love your special Christmas tree. I hope you were with us as we decorated it. I love the ornament you made me with your handprint the most. It makes me cry every time, but it also makes me smile. Your hands were so unique and special and I miss those little blue, clubbed fingertips. :)
I love you Faithy. I miss you so much sometimes I feel like my heart could break it hurts so much. But, I know you are waiting for me with Grandma, GG, and Grandpa. I am sure they are taking very good care of you and I am sure the angels sing that much sweeter with you by their side.
I love you. I miss you. You are my heart.
Mom
I am sorry it has been so long but there is never a day that goes by that I do not think of you. This time of year is especially hard as your absence is felt that much more.
As time goes on, people tend to forget. But I will NEVER forget. You meant the world to me and I feel like this world is missing out on so much without having you in it.
I saw this poem today and I wanted to share it with you. It is exactly how I feel.
As long as I live,
You will live
As long as I live,
You will be
Remembered,
As long as I live,
You will be loved.
I hope you love your special Christmas tree. I hope you were with us as we decorated it. I love the ornament you made me with your handprint the most. It makes me cry every time, but it also makes me smile. Your hands were so unique and special and I miss those little blue, clubbed fingertips. :)
I love you Faithy. I miss you so much sometimes I feel like my heart could break it hurts so much. But, I know you are waiting for me with Grandma, GG, and Grandpa. I am sure they are taking very good care of you and I am sure the angels sing that much sweeter with you by their side.
I love you. I miss you. You are my heart.
Mom
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mothers Day, 2011
Dear Mom,
I missed you today. How I wish I could have spent the day with you. I miss our talks, I miss your laugh, I miss your touch.
I was so lucky to be your daughter. I could not have hand picked a better mom and I am so grateful for the life and the love you gave me.
I hope you can feel my love today. I hope you know how very much I love you.
Happy Heavenly Mothers day.
Forever your daughter,
Shelly
Dear Faith,
I missed you so much today. Your presence is missed every day, but days like today...make your absence felt even stronger.
I hope you, too, can feel my love. I hope you know how much I loved being your mommy.
I miss you. I will miss you always.
I love you my baby girl. Mommy loves you.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Feb. 26, 2011
Dear Faith,
We have lots of snow at our house! Definitely enough to make snowmen and sled down the hill! We have been out of power but it came back on this morning. So glad it did because it was FREEZING!! I couldn't help but think how you would have reacted to all of this. Without power, you would not have been able to have your air purifier plugged in that created the white noise you loved to sleep to. I think you would have had to snuggle in bed with mom and dad. :) We actually had to do that with Melina because we were concerned with her getting too cold.
Speaking of Melina, she is doing wonderful. She will be 11 months old on Monday. She is getting so big and making some small attempts at crawling. She is starting to throw little fits and has a definite personality. I am beginning to think we may have our hands full with her!!!
We have our first Lacrosse game today for Dominic. I can't wait to see how his team will do. They have quite a bit of athletic talent on their team, however it is a small team....so we shall see. Lacrosse is my favorite sport to watch so I am excited! Tomorrow they have a double header in Redding. Do you remember when we went to Redding two years ago? I sure do. It was SO hot and I was very concerned about you. We went and sat in the back of our van to shade you from the sun. I remember having my feelings hurt because none of my friends kept us company. But now, looking back on it, I am grateful it was time for just you and I. You took a nap in the back and I just loved watching you sleep so peacefully. I sure wish we could go again together....
I took Dominic and Jessica to Disneyland a couple weeks ago. Again, a place that kept me constantly thinking of you. The three of us had a really good time. We got to go for 3 days and it was nice to spend quality time with Dom and Jess. The lines were short and we got to go on every ride we wanted. The longest line we stood in was to take a picture with Tinkerbell for Jocyleen. When we got up to Tink...she didn't even look like her! We waited 45 minutes for that!! But, it is a good picture that will give us memories to laugh at for years to come.
Grandma (mima) had a birthday yesterday. I didn't get to celebrate it how I wanted to since we were snowed in. However, I had candles lit and had a glass of wine in her honor. I hope you got to share her special day with her.
I miss you so much Faith. Whoever said that time heals....didn't know what they were talking about. It doesn't heal. It just provides you with the time to get a band-aid to cover up that wound....but the wound is still there. I think about you constantly and the realization that you are not physically with us is stronger now. I miss your laugh, your enthusiasm, your love.... I hope you are happy wherever you are and I hope you can feel all the love we continue to have for you.
Love,
Mom
Monday, January 17, 2011
7 years old
Happy Birthday Faith. Hope the heavens are throwing you a beautiful party! We love and miss you so very much. Wish we could be with you.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
What a Grieving Mother Really Thinks...poem
Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please...don't look away
and change the subject
it's ok.
You see at first I couldn't feel
It took so long...but now it's real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk
Come sit with me?
You see,
I was numb for so very long
And people said,
"My she is so strong"
They did not know I couldn't feel
My broken heart made it all unreal.
but then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest,
Began to choke,
Such a scream,
Such a wail,
Broke from me....
My child!
My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
except for me.
Now when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bare,
When I mention my child
I see their blank stare.
"But I thought you were over it"
Their eyes seem to say -
No, no
I cannot listen to this, not today
So I smile and pretend...and say...
"Oh, I'm ok"
But inside I am crying
as I turn away.
And so my old friend,
I shall paint on that smile
As I have from the start.
You never knowing all the while
All I've said to you in my heart.
Author unknown
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Missing you
Missing you Faith.......missing you so very much. The brightness of the Holiday season just can't compare to the light you had within.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
December, 2010
Its been a long time! We have been so busy! However, it has been worth it. Football and cheer season went great! Andrew and Dominic's football teams both went to the Championships! Andrew's team won and are the Champions! Monty did an amazing job at running the snackbar and I really enjoyed this season as Cheer Coordinator.
But, no worries on not being busy...lol. Jessica is on a competition cheer squad now with her gymnastics center. She was asked to fill in for one of the girls and they wanted her to stay on! She has practice 3 days a week and usually one to two competitions a month. Lacey is on their special needs cheerleading squad so her team has performances as well! Andrew starts basketball next week and Dominic will start LaCrosse at the beginning of next year.
Melina is now 8 months old and is such a happy little girl. She receives therapy once a week through Infant Program. Developmentally she is at about 4 1/2 to 5 months old, so not too bad! Adoption should be complete in Jan or Feb.
I am still not that into the Holidays as it is hard without two key people in our lives, but I am trying to get myself in the mood. My cousin Nicole will be here with her daughter, Taylor, who is 21 months. So, with Taylor and Melina it should be fun and I keep trying to remind myself of that. It is always enjoyable to see the magic of the holidays through a child's eyes.
Monty and I recently went to UC Davis Children's hospital and were part of a panel speaking on grief and loss. At first, I didn't want to go. I was a mess initially and was not able to speak when it was my turn. Luckily, another mother spoke in my place and they were able to come back to me. By that time, I was able to pull it together and speak about our experience. I must say, it was one of the best things I have done. I came out of it feeling useful.....being able to use our experience for something good and productive. It also felt really good to share Faith will people who wanted to hear about her. I expected to come out of there feeling sad and exhausted. Instead, I came out on a natural high.....loving that I got to remember Faith and use that memory for a greater good. They asked if we would do it again and I hope they ask!
I am part of a network of parents that have angel children. It is a good place to share your feelings with people that understand. I have recently been told how much I have changed and have been reflecting on that. I guess I have and I guess it is to be expected. I am not really sure what I can do about it either. I think differently now. I don't like conflict. I am stronger in some ways, but so much weaker in others. I feel like people forget that I have been through life's worst pain. I know this is partly my fault because I don't show it. I don't like to be a burden on others and I definitely don't expect anyone to understand. I don't WANT them to understand because that would mean they would have to go through the worst of the worst....losing a child. So, this network has become a valuable part of my life to express and vent without judgment.
Anyway, through this Angel network, I came across this poem. It is a great one. So true and maybe gives a little insight and understanding. I thought I would share it.
My Mom's a Liar
Ask My Mom How She Is...
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?
Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom,
just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,
Mom, With all the lies you told!
Ask My Mom How She Is...
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?
Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom,
just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.
I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here,
Mom, With all the lies you told!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Summer
The craziness has begun! Football and Cheerleading season started this week. We are down on the field everyday from 4pm until 8pm. Andrew is on the Pee Wee football team and Dominic and Jessica are both Midgets this year. It will make the rest of the summer fly by! I am the Cheer Coordinator and Monty is in charge of the snack bar. With 7 children at the moment, including a baby, you can imagine how busy things will be! But, it is a good busy because we all enjoy it and have good friends involved in the program. Besides, it is always worth it for the kids!!!
Greg is still in Texas and apparently enjoying it. He has been working construction but is trying to finish up completing all his licensing this week to look for an EMT job. We miss him like crazy but are glad he is happy.
The baby is now 4 months old. She has good head control and is beginning to smile. I think she will be pretty high functioning since she is not too far behind developmentally so far. She is a beautiful, chubby baby that is VERY loved around here! She has a second mommy in Jessica, which is also nice for me! :) Things are looking positive for an adoption around November so we are trying to get all our paperwork in order. We can't wait to finalize!
Lacey turned 10 last week and Andrew turns 9 tomorrow. Jessica will be 12 next month. So, the ages at home are: 17, 13, 12, two 10 year olds, 9 and a 4 month old. (Greg is 19). It may sound like a lot, but they are really good, independant kids. I am a lucky mom!
Hope everyone is enjoying their summer!
Greg is still in Texas and apparently enjoying it. He has been working construction but is trying to finish up completing all his licensing this week to look for an EMT job. We miss him like crazy but are glad he is happy.
The baby is now 4 months old. She has good head control and is beginning to smile. I think she will be pretty high functioning since she is not too far behind developmentally so far. She is a beautiful, chubby baby that is VERY loved around here! She has a second mommy in Jessica, which is also nice for me! :) Things are looking positive for an adoption around November so we are trying to get all our paperwork in order. We can't wait to finalize!
Lacey turned 10 last week and Andrew turns 9 tomorrow. Jessica will be 12 next month. So, the ages at home are: 17, 13, 12, two 10 year olds, 9 and a 4 month old. (Greg is 19). It may sound like a lot, but they are really good, independant kids. I am a lucky mom!
Hope everyone is enjoying their summer!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
"I don't know how you do it"
I can't sleep because my mind is circling with the thought of how many times I have heard...."I don't know how you do it". I will be honest, I don't know how I do it either. I think that is why I am awake too early this morning trying to figure it out. I don't like the idea that people think I possibly didn't love my daughter as much as they love their kids which couldn't be farther from the truth!!! But, that is what comments like those make you feel like (and I know that is not the intent of them).
In fact, for those of you that know me and knew Faith and I together, we were obsessed with each other! Seriously. There are people in this life that I believe are destined to be together. Some people use the term soul mate. I have to agree with that term, although most people use it to describe their partner in life. I do not believe it has to be your partner. I believe it can be anyone: a parent, a friend, your partner, a child...
I am convinced Faith and I were meant to be together. She was absolutely a soul mate of mine: a person with whom you have an extremely deep connection that was put in your life for a reason. Our connection was the strongest I have ever felt in my life. I guess, in a way, that gives me comfort because it gives me a belief there is a higher power. It gives me the belief that there is something beyond what is here on Earth. It gives me the belief that things do happen for a reason and we have to have Faith in that eventhough it doesn't always make sense.
I have never been one to play the victim role. I think there is always someone out there that has it harder than I do. I do not feel like anything productive can come out of dwelling on the bad things that have happened to us and reliving it over and over. I will be honest that I did that for awhile. Then my counselor asked me if I like being in a painful moment over and over. Of course not! She then walked me through the fact that going back in those painful moments only hurts and does not change anything. If I could have changed something, I would have. If I could have changed places with Faith, I would have done it in a heartbeat. No questions asked. Any parent would. But, obviously I was not given that choice and here I am...
Life is all about choices. I choose to try to primarily think of the happy times with Faith and my mom. I choose to feel extremely lucky and grateful for the time I had... instead of dwelling on the time I don't have. I am choosing to continue to live because, really, what other choice do I have? I choose to try to give my other children a good life and be PRESENT for them. If I continued to allow myself to be "victim" of all the bad things that happened to me, not only would it hurt me, it would hurt them. They don't deserve that.
I will admit it is a struggle everyday, every hour. I have to do a lot of mental work and sometimes it is exhausting. But, I do it because I want Faith to be proud of me. I want Faith to know that I am living my life with love and courage in her honor because that is how she lived. I know she would want me to be good to myself, her father and to her brothers and sisters. I want to hopefully help someone else through my experience. I want to do the best I can so that when I do see her again, she will say "you did good mommy".
In fact, for those of you that know me and knew Faith and I together, we were obsessed with each other! Seriously. There are people in this life that I believe are destined to be together. Some people use the term soul mate. I have to agree with that term, although most people use it to describe their partner in life. I do not believe it has to be your partner. I believe it can be anyone: a parent, a friend, your partner, a child...
I am convinced Faith and I were meant to be together. She was absolutely a soul mate of mine: a person with whom you have an extremely deep connection that was put in your life for a reason. Our connection was the strongest I have ever felt in my life. I guess, in a way, that gives me comfort because it gives me a belief there is a higher power. It gives me the belief that there is something beyond what is here on Earth. It gives me the belief that things do happen for a reason and we have to have Faith in that eventhough it doesn't always make sense.
I have never been one to play the victim role. I think there is always someone out there that has it harder than I do. I do not feel like anything productive can come out of dwelling on the bad things that have happened to us and reliving it over and over. I will be honest that I did that for awhile. Then my counselor asked me if I like being in a painful moment over and over. Of course not! She then walked me through the fact that going back in those painful moments only hurts and does not change anything. If I could have changed something, I would have. If I could have changed places with Faith, I would have done it in a heartbeat. No questions asked. Any parent would. But, obviously I was not given that choice and here I am...
Life is all about choices. I choose to try to primarily think of the happy times with Faith and my mom. I choose to feel extremely lucky and grateful for the time I had... instead of dwelling on the time I don't have. I am choosing to continue to live because, really, what other choice do I have? I choose to try to give my other children a good life and be PRESENT for them. If I continued to allow myself to be "victim" of all the bad things that happened to me, not only would it hurt me, it would hurt them. They don't deserve that.
I will admit it is a struggle everyday, every hour. I have to do a lot of mental work and sometimes it is exhausting. But, I do it because I want Faith to be proud of me. I want Faith to know that I am living my life with love and courage in her honor because that is how she lived. I know she would want me to be good to myself, her father and to her brothers and sisters. I want to hopefully help someone else through my experience. I want to do the best I can so that when I do see her again, she will say "you did good mommy".
Friday, June 25, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Summer
Finally the weather seems to have given us the sunshine we have been waiting for! Summer has arrived and most of my kids are out of school or will be by the end of this week. I am ready for sleeping in a bit and enjoying our pool with family and friends.
Speaking of schools, I have finally made my mind up about what school my kids will go to next year. I am relieved to have made a choice because I have been struggling with this decision for a long time. So, now, all of my kids will go to the Charter school near us and they are very excited. Dominic and Jessica have already been going and love it. Hopefully, Lacey and Andrew will too!
My new little one is doing GREAT. She is such a joy and is a really good baby. She has been sleeping through the night for about a month now and is starting to smile and coo. She is 2 1/2 months old. The other kids adore her and since they are older, are a big help to me. She is definitely going to be one spoiled little girl! :)
My oldest, Greg, moved to Texas. His best friend (since 2nd grade) lives there and he decided to join him. He can complete more schooling in Texas for a lot less than in California. I miss him and it is strange to think he is so far away. However, while he is young and does not have the responsibility of a wife or kids he might as well have new experiences. He just better come back once he gets that wife and kids!!!! lol.
Football/cheer season is approaching and we are starting to get busy with that. I am the cheer coordinator and have been pouring through catalogs trying to pick our uniforms for this year. That is the best part of the job! Monty will be running the snack bar at our home games, so very soon our Saturdays will be extremely busy. I need to buy a baby carrier so I can do my job with baby in tow! Wish me luck.
Enjoy the sunshine.
Shelly
Speaking of schools, I have finally made my mind up about what school my kids will go to next year. I am relieved to have made a choice because I have been struggling with this decision for a long time. So, now, all of my kids will go to the Charter school near us and they are very excited. Dominic and Jessica have already been going and love it. Hopefully, Lacey and Andrew will too!
My new little one is doing GREAT. She is such a joy and is a really good baby. She has been sleeping through the night for about a month now and is starting to smile and coo. She is 2 1/2 months old. The other kids adore her and since they are older, are a big help to me. She is definitely going to be one spoiled little girl! :)
My oldest, Greg, moved to Texas. His best friend (since 2nd grade) lives there and he decided to join him. He can complete more schooling in Texas for a lot less than in California. I miss him and it is strange to think he is so far away. However, while he is young and does not have the responsibility of a wife or kids he might as well have new experiences. He just better come back once he gets that wife and kids!!!! lol.
Football/cheer season is approaching and we are starting to get busy with that. I am the cheer coordinator and have been pouring through catalogs trying to pick our uniforms for this year. That is the best part of the job! Monty will be running the snack bar at our home games, so very soon our Saturdays will be extremely busy. I need to buy a baby carrier so I can do my job with baby in tow! Wish me luck.
Enjoy the sunshine.
Shelly
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Wings
I have officially survived all my firsts since Faith passed away. Yesterday, June 1st, was the day Faith earned her wings. Needless to say, it was an emotional day. It was challenging trying to keep my mind from putting myself back in that horrible moment one year ago. I only want to remember the happy times with her, the laughter, the kisses, the music, the love......
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mothers Day, 2010
I have wonderful children! I am extremely grateful for the children that I have and how special they make me feel. They allowed me to sleep in and continued to ask me throughout the day if I needed anything. They are such loving, selfless human beings who truly want people to be happy without anything in return. That is a quality that is hard to come by now-a-days. I love them so much!!
However, this was my first without Faith. No mother to spoil and no Faith to help brighten my day. A strange mix of happiness for the ones I have and sadness for the ones I have lost. It is hard to fully articulate the emotions of the day. But, I did my best to keep them inside and keep smiling for the rest of my family.
It is almost a year and I will have overcome all my firsts.
However, this was my first without Faith. No mother to spoil and no Faith to help brighten my day. A strange mix of happiness for the ones I have and sadness for the ones I have lost. It is hard to fully articulate the emotions of the day. But, I did my best to keep them inside and keep smiling for the rest of my family.
It is almost a year and I will have overcome all my firsts.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Miss you still.........always
Even though I have this new, amazing addition to our family.....I still miss Faith just as strongly(maybe even more so, if that is actually possible). Faith loved babies and I can hear her voice, filled with excitement, about our new one. She would have been such a sweet big sister. Even during her final days, when she would hear a baby cry in the hospital, her brow would crease in concern. I would have to whisper in her ear that the baby was ok and stroke her brow to calm her down. That was the beautiful spirit of my Faith. She had her own concerns, but still was able to feel beyond herself into the anguish of another.
We are almost to our year mark and I am flooded with memories. My main thing right now, though, is wishing I could hold her. Maybe it is getting to hold this new one that conjures up those thoughts. I am not sure. But, I still remember what it was like to hold her. I can still bring up those memories of how she felt and how she smelled and I sure hope that never goes away!
Dominic, Jessica and Andrew are at a children's grief camp this weekend. It is specifically for children that have experienced a significant loss. It sounds like they have a great program of mixing fun with sharing memories and I hope they enjoy it. I hope they will benefit from this experience.
Sending love your way my Faith. Mommy loves you.
We are almost to our year mark and I am flooded with memories. My main thing right now, though, is wishing I could hold her. Maybe it is getting to hold this new one that conjures up those thoughts. I am not sure. But, I still remember what it was like to hold her. I can still bring up those memories of how she felt and how she smelled and I sure hope that never goes away!
Dominic, Jessica and Andrew are at a children's grief camp this weekend. It is specifically for children that have experienced a significant loss. It sounds like they have a great program of mixing fun with sharing memories and I hope they enjoy it. I hope they will benefit from this experience.
Sending love your way my Faith. Mommy loves you.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Exciting News!
I am happy to report that we have a new addition to the Duarte Family! At this point, she is a foster placement, but we are hoping it will become an adoptive placement. So far, things are looking positive...but, of course, we have to be careful getting too excited (although obviously hard to do).
Due to the fact that she is a foster placement, unfortunately I cannot give out too much information at this time or post any photo's. I will tell you that she is beautiful and is 3 weeks old. She has some cardiac issues, just as Faith did, but luckily not as serious.
We feel extremely fortunate to have this child in our home and are falling more in love everyday. The events that led her to arrival with us are very "strange" and "coincidental" and I am positive some individuals from up above helped make it happen. :) I can't wait to have confidentiality lifted so I can share it all. Hopefully, we won't have to wait too long for that to happen.
"Keep Faith" things are meant to be for this amazing little girl to continue to stay with us.
Due to the fact that she is a foster placement, unfortunately I cannot give out too much information at this time or post any photo's. I will tell you that she is beautiful and is 3 weeks old. She has some cardiac issues, just as Faith did, but luckily not as serious.
We feel extremely fortunate to have this child in our home and are falling more in love everyday. The events that led her to arrival with us are very "strange" and "coincidental" and I am positive some individuals from up above helped make it happen. :) I can't wait to have confidentiality lifted so I can share it all. Hopefully, we won't have to wait too long for that to happen.
"Keep Faith" things are meant to be for this amazing little girl to continue to stay with us.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Judgement
So tomorrow I have my licensing person coming out for inspection to reinstate my foster care license. I don't even understand why it was put on hold in the first place, but I have finally felt like opening back up and seeing what comes my way. I am very nervous about tomorrow because there is so much judgement involved. They come in and judge the way your home looks and have the right to judge you as a person when they don't really know you. Luckily, this is the person I have had for the past 10 years, but it is still frightening to think someone has your future in their hands.
I have met some resistance to my wanting to take children before a year from Faith's passing. It is strange to me to think that they truly think people will magically be "better"after a year..whatever "better" is. It will be nine months since Faith passed away next week and to be perfectly honest, some things are harder. Like I have said before, in ways it becomes a bit easier with time because you realize you have to accept that you will be living with this pain; but..yes, some things are harder to deal with! I feel her absence more now. I feel more lonely not having my special sidekick. Basically I FEEL what life is like without her instead of that nice sense of shock that carries you through initially.
I do understand the year in a way. You need time to let that shock wear off. You need time to know what you are actually feeling and you need time to learn to cope. However, grief is life long. It will never go away and it will be a continued process of dealing with the hole left in your heart. A continuing process of healing that will be with you until the day you die. But, in my opinion, it is up to the person and family to know when they feel ready or not to start "living" again. Everyone grieves differently. Differently or not, it doesn't change the fact that it is forever. We all learn to ACCEPT at different times and you can not tell someone when that will be. There is no right or wrong answer. No timeline will help guide you to that place. It could be a month, 6 months, 10 months, 10 years, 20 years, never. It is all an individual process. Period. No judgement should be allowed for a very personal experience. It goes back to the age old saying, "don't judge someone without walking in their shoes".
Some people have said maybe the year is to ensure you don't try to replace Faith. How is it humanly possible to replace someone???? It absolutely is not. I would NEVER try to replace her. Faith was one of a kind, as are we all. Faith was my soul mate (no I don't believe it has to be your husband :) ). Faith and I had this bond that I don't know if I will ever share with another in this lifetime. I am grateful for that experience. Grateful for the time I had with her and to have that unique connection. So there is no way I would ever try to "replace" her. It is not possible.
The way I see it, though, is that I am still here for some reason. I still have love to give and a home to share. My kids and my husband have been ready to share it for some time now. They have been waiting for me to be ready. I finally feel up to exploring the possibilities of that with someone who needs it. I will try to be careful and smart about who we accept into our lives. My priorities have changed. I used to be this person that had to be super busy ALL the time. I thrived on it. Through the loss of Faith, and being forced to slow down and I have learned the value of that. I no longer want to be that busy. I want to make sure I have adequate time to dedicate to everyone.
With that being said, I still have my A type personality that likes to have a lot to do, likes to be organized and likes a large family to run. The difference I have now, the things I have learned over the past 9 months, is not to be SO busy or SO overwhelmed that you miss the small things. You miss pillow talk with your daughter or throwing the ball with your son. That will hopefully carry over and help us in making a good match for our family.
I am not in a hurry. I want what is meant to be for us. I firmly believe that God will make that happen. If there is someone meant to be with us nothing will be able to get in the way of that. I also believe that my mom and Faith will be working their magic to make it work out as well. Hopefully showing me the signs that allow me to know the path I am to take. :)
So, we shall see. In the meantime wish us luck tomorrow. I will let you know how it goes.
I have met some resistance to my wanting to take children before a year from Faith's passing. It is strange to me to think that they truly think people will magically be "better"after a year..whatever "better" is. It will be nine months since Faith passed away next week and to be perfectly honest, some things are harder. Like I have said before, in ways it becomes a bit easier with time because you realize you have to accept that you will be living with this pain; but..yes, some things are harder to deal with! I feel her absence more now. I feel more lonely not having my special sidekick. Basically I FEEL what life is like without her instead of that nice sense of shock that carries you through initially.
I do understand the year in a way. You need time to let that shock wear off. You need time to know what you are actually feeling and you need time to learn to cope. However, grief is life long. It will never go away and it will be a continued process of dealing with the hole left in your heart. A continuing process of healing that will be with you until the day you die. But, in my opinion, it is up to the person and family to know when they feel ready or not to start "living" again. Everyone grieves differently. Differently or not, it doesn't change the fact that it is forever. We all learn to ACCEPT at different times and you can not tell someone when that will be. There is no right or wrong answer. No timeline will help guide you to that place. It could be a month, 6 months, 10 months, 10 years, 20 years, never. It is all an individual process. Period. No judgement should be allowed for a very personal experience. It goes back to the age old saying, "don't judge someone without walking in their shoes".
Some people have said maybe the year is to ensure you don't try to replace Faith. How is it humanly possible to replace someone???? It absolutely is not. I would NEVER try to replace her. Faith was one of a kind, as are we all. Faith was my soul mate (no I don't believe it has to be your husband :) ). Faith and I had this bond that I don't know if I will ever share with another in this lifetime. I am grateful for that experience. Grateful for the time I had with her and to have that unique connection. So there is no way I would ever try to "replace" her. It is not possible.
The way I see it, though, is that I am still here for some reason. I still have love to give and a home to share. My kids and my husband have been ready to share it for some time now. They have been waiting for me to be ready. I finally feel up to exploring the possibilities of that with someone who needs it. I will try to be careful and smart about who we accept into our lives. My priorities have changed. I used to be this person that had to be super busy ALL the time. I thrived on it. Through the loss of Faith, and being forced to slow down and I have learned the value of that. I no longer want to be that busy. I want to make sure I have adequate time to dedicate to everyone.
With that being said, I still have my A type personality that likes to have a lot to do, likes to be organized and likes a large family to run. The difference I have now, the things I have learned over the past 9 months, is not to be SO busy or SO overwhelmed that you miss the small things. You miss pillow talk with your daughter or throwing the ball with your son. That will hopefully carry over and help us in making a good match for our family.
I am not in a hurry. I want what is meant to be for us. I firmly believe that God will make that happen. If there is someone meant to be with us nothing will be able to get in the way of that. I also believe that my mom and Faith will be working their magic to make it work out as well. Hopefully showing me the signs that allow me to know the path I am to take. :)
So, we shall see. In the meantime wish us luck tomorrow. I will let you know how it goes.
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